Do I have a right to feel hurt?

United States
May 30, 2007 11:31pm CST
So my husband's sister is having her first baby and her mother is making such a big deal about their baby shower....I wanted to have one with my first child and my mother in law told me it was pointless to have one. They treat my children totally different than any of the other kids and now are saying because I started a baby registry for my family that all live out of state letting them know what I really needed that I'm just jealous of my sister in law and that I just need to stop taking all the attention away from her! I've tried talking to my husband about the way it makes me feel and all he tells me is to ignore it and do what I want no matter what people say about me. But the fact of the matter is that when I do these things the way I want to I get put down all the time by his family and he sides with them telling me that I just dont understand the importance of family and all this other bullcrap! I am loosing my mind and really upset about their attitude towards me! They even let their 16 year old daughter put me down and never tell her that its disrespectful to say things about family that arent true even if you might think that they are. She's told me I'm a bad mother and that my kids wont ever be taken care of properly, that I'm fat and that as long as she's known me I've only ever been pregnant...which is not true because when I first met my husband I was very skinny and in shape. I didn't get pregnant until after my husband and I had been married for 3 months. I just wanted to know if anyone thinks I have a right to be hurt and upset about these things or if I just need to let it go and move on pretending like it doesnt hurt!
9 people like this
17 responses
@muscare (3069)
• Australia
31 May 07
I really feel for you. It's not easy when you have all the in-laws having a go at you. I think the least you should be able to expect is support from your husband!! I had problems similar to you where anything I or my wife did was never really good enough. I endured this crap from them for a couple of years, then my wife got pregnant. I thought things may improve. Big joke! Things steadily got worse. We were getting advice as soon as our son was born, even from the 18yr old sister, who thought she was an expert because she baby sat!! And the mother in law. She had 4 kids, she knew how to bring up kids!!! Failed to notice that my wife, (her daughter) has been in and out of psyche wards since she was 15. Yes,perfect parent,NOT! Then, anytime our son reached a important milestone, oh,well, one of her kids did it 6 months before,blah blah,blah!! Well, to cut a really long story short, my wife finally had a gutful, as I had as soon as I met them, and has now severed all ties with them. We have now been really happy for the past 12 months. Sorry about that, I didn't mean to prattle on. I think you have every right to feel hurt, and I hate to tell you that it probably won't change. As I said, it is a real kick in the guts that your hubby sides with his family, he obviously won't do to them what my wife did to hers. Good luck dealing with it, sorry I couldn't be more help!
@muscare (3069)
• Australia
31 May 07
Oh, they really sound like a really great family.NOT!! I don't think it will take you long to work out whether you want your kids brought up in this environment, but executing a plan is always the hardest thing. I wish you all the best.
4 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
Thank you very much I appreciate the encouragement and advice
4 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
Yes, you DO have a right to feel hurt. Your husband's family is dumping all over you and he's not defending you or his kids. He needs to understand that YOU are his family now too. They are HIS kids (AND his wife) that are being slighted!! He needs to grow up and realise that he promised to love, HONOR, and whatever else your vows consisted of. Allowing other people, even blood relations, to verbally slap you like that is cowardly on his part, he certainly isn't honoring you. Is it supposed to be an "Honor" to be treated this way? Your MIL sounds like a real treat, too!! Why is having a shower for you pointless??? Difficult, maybe, especially if your side is all out-of-town -- all the more reason for her to pitch in to help throw one for you. She's really behaving very badly -- especially towards "Family"!!!!! Perhaps it is "pointless" for your children to be around her very much anymore! You know, Thanksgiving and Christmas might be about as much as your children should be exposed to a situation which sounds like it's only going to get worse -- especially if your husband doesn't step up and get his mother and sisters in line. There's no reason on this green earth why you should have to be around people who make you feel badly, and even worse, make your kids feel badly! If he wants to see them more often he can go by himself, and if you are confronted by your dear MIL about you or the kids not being around as much, tell her you love her but that you just don't feel welcome or comfortable and feel like everyone would be better off without you or the kids. The 16 year old needs a real slap in the face!! That is soooo rude!! You need to stand up to this little prima donna brat -- especially if your hubby won't. Being truthfull doesn't mean being without tact or diplomacy! She shouldn't be judgemental about things she hasn't excperienced herself!! Hang in there! If it gets too much worse you should go to famuly counseling -- by yourself if hubby won't go. This is the kind of thing that tears families apart. You deserve better!!!!!!
• United States
31 May 07
That is so funny because my mother tells me the same things all the time! My kids are her only grandkids but man even my stepfather who I never really got along with growing up treats my kids 100% better than my inlaws! Thanks for the input and advice
4 people like this
• China
31 May 07
sorry about your current feelings.just ignore them.let the dogs bark
4 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
are you saying I should ignore my feelings? I mean please be more specific. I can't just ignore the family because then that means I am taking that away from my kids as well because my kids only go over there when I need them to be looked after while Im at work, other then that its only when I go with them that they see these people.
4 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
You are a very pretty women and your kids are precious. It sounds like this has been a battle for you and your husband is not standing up to his family and telling them to knock off putting you down. I was in a similar situation and it is a no win situation. I would be telling my husband that you are his wife and it is not right that he doesn't stand up to his family and back me up. You would have to approach the subject with a positive attitude. Otherwise he will get his back up against the wall. I would not want my kids around that kind of a invironment. The thing about it is your kids hear them talk about you the way they do it cause them as they get older to start doing the same thing. Because they would see dad not doing anything about it. My situation was similar but I only had to put up with it for short periods of time when we came into visit. We lived over 1000 miles away from his family. Something definitely needs to be done for the sake of the children. They might start following the same pattern. I will keep you in my prayers.
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
And yes you definitely have a right to be upset and hurt.
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
Thank you. I wish moving would help us, but my husband is completely against moving to anywhere else but here in this small town....ya know one of those where if someone talks bad about you then entire town's heard about it? Well I've tried telling him how it makes me feel and all he says is that everyone has a right to their own opinion, when I told him I was afraid it would rub off on the kids he told me I was crazy because my kids love me and they wouldnt do that...However I've seen it happen in many other family situations with other people! Thanks for advice
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
I don't think the kids will love you any less, but they WILL feel at fault and down on themselves just by association. Poison, poison, poison!!!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 07
I might be a little bit of an extremist in some areas, but I really think your husbands family does not like you and that is NEVER going to change. Your husband is worse because he tells you one thing like do what you want and ignore them. Then on the other hand he agrees with them and tells you that you do not understand what family is about. It sounds like they are all against you--even your own husband. If you do not have his support, what do you have in that family? I would leave him and start a new life. You deserve so much more. Believe me, it only gets worse. Were they like this before you married him? Was he like this before you married him? Think about that fact that you could be with a man who really loves you and will love your kids. It is true. You are not the only want who is abused here. Your child are abused to because they are treated differently, and let me tell you, that lasts a lifetime. It does something to -their self-respect. Move on.
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
Gee if life were as easy as just moving on and forgetting about him I think I would have done it already! No he wasn't like this before we got married he stood up for me against them....not maybe with his friends but with family YES he did stand up for me. We've been married for 4 years now and his family met me once before him and I were married. They were not there because he was stationed in Norfolk at the time and They lived in Iowa. They treat him the exact same way as they do me which is why I can't understand why he sticks by them when they've hardly ever been there for him. Yes a few people in his family have always looked out for us but still I think its ridiculous for them to treat any person they way they do...as if they are so much better people than anyone else...It drives me nuts. Thanks for the post
4 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
I would stay away from them. Become the strong authoritarian you need to be and ignore them.
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
I just looked at your picture and you have 2 beautiful kids! And you are very pretty yourself! Yes you have a reason to be upset. That is awful. If I were you I would tell her that it hurts you. My mother in law keeps pressuring me and my hubby to have kids and she is always budding into our business. It bugs the crap out of me. My hubby said the same thing just ignore her. Then one day I came home and she was in the house going through my pictures and my hubby wasn't home. So I sat and had a talk with her. It has help She has backed away from us a lot. But your situation is different in the fact that she is being really hurtful to you. She has no right to say those things or let her 16 year old say those things to you. I would sit down and talk to her that is the only way things will get solved I can tell you your hubby won't talk to her cause my wouldn't either! It must be a man thing
• United States
31 May 07
thank you for the advice. I have tried to sit down with her and explain how it makes me feel, however I was told shortly afterwards by others in the family that she told them I was rude and disrespectful to her and that caused a heck of a lot more problems for me because now everyone in the family thinks Im mean and hateful to her all the time!
3 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
I have gone through a very similar experience. Stay away and keep your children away. They do not deserve to be treated that way. That is what I did with my situation but my husband was on my side a little more than yours. Things are better now because I stayed away for so long. They treat me with more respect when I go over. Don't ignore it. Stand up for yourself and if that doesn't work stay away. You should go on the Dr. Phil show. He would straighten them out.
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
lol that's what my mother suggested I do as well....I think I might really try it! thanks for the advice
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
Oooooh! Dr. Phil!!! Great idea, although the outcome will probably be the same -- staying away may be your only recourse. I see by your other responses that they've beaten your husband into an emotional pulp too. He is not equipped to deal with them now, any more than when he was 6. We are trained to honor and revere our parents, no matter how badly they treat us. As children we accept what our parents do to us as "normal," and it's very hard to break away and realise that THEIR disfunction doesn't need to be continued into the next generation. Kids always figure they deserve what they get, no matter how awful it is, no matter how little it has to do with their actual behavior. Because they think they're at least partly at fault, its very difficult for them to angry and stand up for themselves and their eventual families. He made a huge step just in marrying you the way he did -- now they are striking back at him in a way calculated to hurt the most. I want to recommend again getting family counseling -- hubby needs to understand better what's going on and why, and sometimes a professional, disinterested party will be able to get through where you can't.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 07
thanks I'll keep that in mind
1 person likes this
• Philippines
31 May 07
Yeah you have the right to feel hurt.In your case, maybe you have to learn how to be insensitive.most of all when it comes to your in-laws.it's really hard to please everybody.Just go on with your life.In-laws are like termites.They really made a very tremendous mess or loose something.Pray for them that God will touch their hearts and made them realize how they treated you.Time will only tell when will it happen.
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 07
thanks for the advice
1 person likes this
@APMorison (424)
• United States
31 May 07
You not only have a right to feel hurt, you have no reason to have to put up with it - or to allow your children to have to put up with it. I don't have children - not for lack of trying - but I have had some in-laws that are right there with yours I stopped going to see them. Period - after some time with that my husband got fed up with their constant abuse that now was leveled on HIM for not Making me tow the line - that he up and stopped going to see them. No one, not family, 'friends' or in-laws have the right to abuse you - as to the assertion your husband made about 'how important family is' maybe the reminder that that his parents, while he may love them, are Not in charge of how Your Household is dealt with, that is between husband and wife and that you and the children are the Family He Chose to be part of Creating are the Priority - he owes his parents Respect and Love - not undying, neverending obedience that causes strife, discord and pain for his wife and children.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 07
thanks for the comment and advice
1 person likes this
@Katali (63)
• United States
31 May 07
You definitely have the right to feel hurt. I feel it's your husband's place to have a talk with his family and tell them they are treating you very unfairly. You are his wife and he should stand up for you. It's good that your husband values family, but you ARE his family and it's like having an entire army against you while he stands back and does nothing. I agree that sometimes we have to ignore what others say, but this is family - people you are around continuously and a solution needs to be found. Maybe your husband is afraid to stand up to them. Maybe he knows what he's up against and has no idea how to handle it. Still, it isn't fair to you. As far as your sister-in-law's shower. Personally, I would let her enjoy her shower. It's her time in the spotlight and it's an event that will always be remembered and cherished. You aren't jealous of her having a shower or attention, but are hurt by how unfair you've been treated and rightly so. I would address those issues outside of her shower. It could be that your husband's family is jealous of you. People who are jealous often attempt to bring others down to make themselves feel superior. I hope that this situation turns around for you. You are a beautiful woman and don't let anyone make you feel less than you are.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 07
thank you.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2539)
• United States
1 Jun 07
i can understand totally. it does hurt but after 10 years i have just let it go and they can all kiss my you know what. what really bothers me is my hubby he is just like yours and thinks i just need to more or less suck it up and be the nice one to kiss their butts. i am not that kind of person i will get along with them when i need to but i will not allow them to cut me down. if i was you i would speack up. when some one says some thing to you stand up for your self! you have two very cute kids and i am sure you are a great mother. so the next time say something don't let them do this to you. i didn't and they have stopped well until i leave. they don't ever say anything right to me or around me any more. tell your hubby you are gonna start standing up for your self if he don't and probly after the first time he will say something. good luck i hope it all gets better for you
• United States
1 Jun 07
thanks so much
@ozangel82 (754)
• Australia
31 May 07
i think you definately have a right to feel hurt and left out! I dont know what you can do as it sounds like you dont really have the full support of your husband which is a shame. Maybe you could write out a letter to your mother in law telling her how you feel. let her know that you feel like they dont include you and you are not taking all the attention from your sister in law but you are a bit jealous that they couldnt be bothered to give you a baby shower when you had your first baby. make her feel like a bad grand mother for treating your kids different!
• United States
1 Jun 07
I thank you for the advice!
• United States
31 May 07
Sweetie, there is no right or wrong when feelings and emotions are involved. They are just that, emotions. I can understand that you are hurt. But, some advice is to let go for your own happiness. Otherwise it is going to eat at you, and get you sick. Good luck sugar.
• United States
31 May 07
Thanks so much!
• United States
10 Sep 07
You have every right to be hurt and upset. Your husband is right on one thing. Family is important and you should side with your family. BUT what he is wrong on is that you and your kids are his family first and foremost now. Not his mom and sisters. When you two married you became number one in his life. You became more important than his mom or sisters. As for his mom, this is how I would go about it. They want to accuse you of being rude? Then be rude. Give them a reason to accuse you. Tell them that if they don't like what you are doing, then they have no business in your home. They are not welcome there unless they can start showing you the respect and treatment that you deserve. And if your husband has a problem with it and wants to go against you, tell him he can go live with his mom. I'm sorry, but no one should have to go through what you are going through. And some times you have to get rude to get your point across. I hope every thing works out for you!
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
10 Sep 07
Well, haveing had to deal with some real "winners" for in-laws I know it isn't easy. My suggestion is first to sit down with your husband and talk to him about the problem and explain that you really need him to support you and back you up. He may be one of the "Don't upset the apple cart" types. Second, you need to decide if you really want your children around these types of ppl b/c believe me as time goes on they will pick up the same manners not to mention that if the in-laws don't much care for you that may come through when they deal with your children. As a last resort, I'd have to suggest moving away from them. Sometimes with some ppl that is the only option. It's really up to you and only you know how far you will go. Good luck with it. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@tanjam420 (228)
• United States
10 Sep 07
oh my yes you have every right in the world to be upset.... i know my grandmother has a tendency to do the same thing to me. see she raised me most of my life and ever since i had my first son 10 years ago she has been telling me how to raise him i have two boys now 10 and 7 and i get phone calls every day. saying dont let them boys go out side today it is too hot or it is too clod they will get sick... why are you taking them here ar there, beleive me it will never stop. but i guess what i just tell her is that these are my kids and i will raise them how i want to.... and as far as the 16 year old she is at that bratty teenager god i know everything stage... i was once there as well... but still she really has no business telling you how to raise your children either... cant wait to see what hers will turn out like lol.... you know what when i met my husband we were in high school and i was very thin, iwe dated for a while then parted ways... well i had my two booys to another man and that didnt go good so we parted... well i finally met up with my husband about 8 years ago, and even then i was kindof on the hefty side i still am but he loves me just the same as if i were still 105 lbs... imagine that one.. so you know what if you are happy and your husband is happy try not to let them bother you too much... i know how hard it is i am living it right now, but you have to be strong... and what ever you do is the right thing no matter what anyone thinks or says to you especially inlaws....good luck and my prayers are with you
• Philippines
7 Sep 07
That is how you feel and nobody has the right to tell not to feel that. We cannot control our emotions what more with what we are going to feel. If I am in your situation I really think that I will feel the same. Especially if I am not being welcome in the family of my husband whom I have chosen to be with the rest of my life. I think all daughters or son in law are looking for an assurance that they are welcome to be with that family. I might be able to ignore the things that they are going to say against me and if they doesn't want to welcome me but doing the same to my child will be a big issue for me.
@whtnyg (34)
• United States
6 Sep 07
i think you should be upset im kinda in the same situation my boyfriends sister has a son hes my godson my mother in law does everything for him and tells me i shouldnt get pregnant and that she doesnt want her son to have any kids.