I am totally lost...

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in the past, i have done terrible things to my beloved boyfriend. "Terrible" - something I no longer want to look back and something I can hardly imagine. I have been a cheater for several times, and I can't even get a valid expanation of my actions. I know it was wrong but why did I do it? I am not this kind of person, that is why a few months ago I decided to tell him every single thing I have done. Though I know it would really break his heart, it would ruin our beautiful relationship, destroy trust and that he might leave me, I still bravely told him everything. Because I kept telling myself, he's the one I want to marry, and I will not want to marry him having all the secrets unrevealed - I cannot. And I still hoped and prayed that when he found out, we can still mend it up in due time. Unfortunately, I feel totally lost, I do not know what to do, there are times he's happy, but there are times its as if he wants to blame me, there are times he would just shut up and I can feel the pain I have caused him. I cannot leave him, I don't want him to leave me either, though it may sound selfish. I know he is badly hurt, what am I supposed to do? I am also hurt..hurt because I have caused him so much pain and I can no longer take it back, i can no longer change the past...HELP.