Could anyone give me some feedback?
By jakester519
@jakester519 (355)
July 16, 2007 5:04am CST
Hi all,
I write over on Helium occasionaly but find that feedback there can be a little hit and miss, would anyone here be willing to read an article of mine and supply me with feedback on this forum. I would be most gratefull, it is at :
www.helium.com/tm/389612/there-quiet-peacefull-still
It is only a short article so won't take up too much of your time.
Many thanks
J.
1 response
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
17 Jul 07
You are really good at writing details and descriptions! And I really like when you talk about the soliders embrace with his rifle. The last line is my favorite! It's really good.
I just have one tiny suggestion. In the first paragraph, where it says " his skin rubbed raw in places from crawling over rough ground." I'm not really sure if " in places" is needed in that sentence. I think it would sound good if it just said "his skin rubbed raw from crawling over rough ground." But, it's just an opinion! :)
I have a couple of short stories on helium too. They are a bit longer than yours so don't feel obligated to read them. But if you aren't busy and you want to, check them out! :)
http://www.helium.com/tm/442153/sheridanlets-wallet-nowalright-trying
http://www.helium.com/tm/406143/night-terror-richelle-swanson
