Yes, I am insane.

By Leca
@lecanis (16664)
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
July 22, 2007 3:15pm CST
So I was just responding to a discussion on some random topic, and caught myself talking about wanting to kill someone. *thinks* There's something a little wrong with the fact that my mind goes so quickly in that direction, but there was a definite train of thought that lead there, in my mind at least. I do want to kill someone. Not just someone, but many people. Child molesters and rapists are top on the list, followed by pretty much any kind of abuser. Now, I might be wrong, but I'm guessing that anyone else like me who has been a victim feels much the same way. In fact, I'd even guess that most people who haven't been a victim themselves feels that way sometimes about people who commit such crimes. So why is it that I feel so worried that I just came across to some random stranger who innocently posted a discussion NOT on this topic as a complete maniac? And why does it matter if I did come across that way anyway?
8 people like this
18 responses
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I sometimes do the same thing. Someone will ask a simple question, and I will resort to talking of terrible parents and how people take them for granted. Or I will go on about abuse of every degree, even if someone is just saying "OH, parents are wonderful." I will even talk of killing people as well! We have our reasons though. I personally have a lot of anger built up in me, and can am a time bomb waiting to explode. Some people will post a topic, vaguelly close to a situation of mine, and I will turn things all around and start talking of hatred things that I feel. So, don't feel alone. But, I sure hope no one really looks at me as if I am insane, as I do not you.
3 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
22 Jul 07
Thanks, Jennifer! I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I often do the same thing when it comes to discussions about family. There are just so many of them, and it just seems so normal for people to speak as if everyone had these same lovely family experiences they did, and it's like "Guess what, some of us didn't!" There have been a couple of times offline when I've had people tell me I should just not get involved in conversations on those topics, because I'm a "downer" and it makes me very angry. The reality doesn't go away just because you don't look at it or speak of it, and I will not be made to feel like I can't talk about my history just because it's not happy. Usually I'm not so bad when it comes to the anger issue anymore, but once in a while it just gets away from me, at the most unexpected times, on the most seemingly simple topics.
2 people like this
• Australia
22 Jul 07
Lecanis and Jennifer, I'm with you on this one. Our experiences with our families are part of us and made us what we are. I bear no ill will towards those who abused me and I'm not angry with them or about what happened. In fact, I pity them. It IS, however, a part of my life - a very BIG part of my life. Therefore, it will arise in many conversations. If a person talks of a wonderful parent, can we do other than think and say how thankful they should be? Can we do other than let them know there is another side to the coin?
@sunshinecup (7881)
22 Jul 07
Well our scars run deep and society sometimes demands us to hide them, by avoiding the realities some of us lived in and still with. I find my self "losing it" when topics or replies strikes a cord with me. It's as if I want others to know my nightmare and understand it exists. My story, my pain, my screwed up past, isn't rare or unique, that's where my anger comes from. Does any of this make sense? I deal with keeping control everyday, so I do consider myself a maniac in disguise, LOL.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
You make perfect sense to me, sunshinecup. There is so much pressure to keep quiet about things that are negative, and yet there are so many of us who have been through so much. I like what you said about scars running deep... just when I think my scars might be getting easier to deal with, there they are again.
23 Jul 07
You know I got to thinking about your post last night after I went to bed, and it hit me why I feel so insane or at least what furthers it for me. It's a double edge sword. I want to vent, I want to share the unfairness I was given as a child, but when I do, there is the backlash of it coming back on me or being treated different (pitied). So it's either let it out and take the risk or keep it bottled up inside until it explodes. I pick bottling it up, then a stranger comes along speaking out of their rear about life using only their small happy go lucky world to sum it up for everyone, and the rage and the need, just erupts. “Don’t sweep me under the rug!” is kind of what if feels like. That’s where the “insanity” comes in at for me. It seems the only time I can say what happened to me is through anger and it’s under unexpected situations. It’s as if my past is now my sword to cut down those that think life is nothing more than gumdrops and butterflies. It really makes me question myself as to how normal am I to do this. Is it I just want to reaffirm people like me are out here and we are not to be forgotten? Or am I in some way attacking those that knew what hell I was in, but stuck their heads in a care bear world rather than acknowledging the ugliness that exists and taking the risk to save me? Is it both these reasons and then some, I have yet to come across? Anyway, your post really opened a can of worms for me as far as really looking inward and trying to understand who I am and why I do the things I do. This is a good thing in my opinion and I just wanted to share a bit of what questions I have to now answer and say thank you. I think these questions I have for myself have been a long time in the making, just needed that little extra something to bring them to my attention. For some reason your discussion has done that, and I deeply appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@Feona1962 (7527)
• United States
22 Jul 07
You are not insane, because if you are then I am. I don't ever feel like killing anyone but it does anger me when this stuff happens. Something in the conversation must have trigger your response. It happens to me and I can get off track very easily sometimes. Don't feel guilty for your response, it was what you were thinking and that is okay. It bothers you because you are a good, caring, person and would hate to have someone think you are not.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Thanks for your vote of confidence, Feona! =) You were right, I think I was triggered somehow, and I'm just not sure what the trigger was at the moment. Thanks! =)
@Darkwing (21588)
23 Jul 07
Heck, as a child who was abused, you have every right to come across that way, and not even think twice about it. I'm sure almost all people, both male and female, who have been abused would feel the same way... angry and bitter at the World, that this should have happened to you. So why shouldn't you want to kill the aggressors, in your mind? I'm sure all the mothers of those children who are abused would join you too. This is a terrible crime, and the people who commit the crime should not be allowed to roam this Earth. Brightest Blessings, my friend. x
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Thanks, Darkwing, I'm sure you're right! I just worry sometimes because I do want to live as positive a life as possible now, and once in a while when I get off track like that it bothers me. But I think you have a point here, that anyone whose been through that and anyone whose child has been through that should feel that way, or has a right to. Thank you. Brightest Blessings to you as well, my friend. =)
@Darkwing (21588)
23 Jul 07
You're quite welcome, my friend. I feel that anybody who commits this kind of crime, is as good as killing their victim anyway, or at least their understanding of life, at a very young age. There's no reason why you're feeling this way every once in a while should bother you, as your aggressor instilled that in you as a life lesson. Don't feel bad about it at all; it's perfectly natural. ((((((HUGGGGGGG)))))).
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jul 07
Hehehe, I do that to random people on the streets. Like, I'm walking and all of a sudden I think, "How much carnage could I create here before the cops show?" Then I ask the nearest stranger how painful it would be if I did what I thought about. In fact, I got kicked out of a store for that. :D Almost arrested too! Only difference is I would do it to anyone, not just criminals. :D
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jul 07
Aw, that is so cool. When I talk about killing with friends they always just shrug and say "Just don't kill me." Those mean b@st@rds.....But I am proud to say that I am crazy *strikes superhero pose* Oh yeah!
• United States
23 Jul 07
You are not insane. You are a little angry but you have the right to be.Wanting to kill predators isn't crazy. And so what if your train of thought leads to wanting to kill them. It is okay. A real insane person wouldn't stop to think " Am I insane?"And I have read your discussions and your responses to discussions and you don't come across as an insane person. Besides it is better to be a little crazy, like a Waylon Jennings song goes " I have always been crazy but it kept me from going insane".
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Thanks for your vote of confidence, sarahruthbeth! You've always been very kind to me. =) Ohhh I love that quote! I'm going to have to remember that one! =p
1 person likes this
@nangel78 (1458)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I completely understand how you feel. I just dealt with a predator recently and I want him to hurt for what he put me through. There are a lot of these crazy people like him, rapists, molesters, criminals, and so forth running around and doing all of this bad stuff. They deserve to have something bad happen to them in return as well.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with such a thing recently. I'm not so much into the punishment thing myself these days, I've gotten over that, it's more an issue of believing the certain people should die in order not to be allowed to hurt others.
23 Jul 07
I have done this before. I start off talking about one thing and then my train of thought goes off the rails and I end up talking about something completely different. I think if we have strong emotions about certain things it just comes to the surface and off we go. I don't see anything wrong with it as long as the other person is not insulted by your words. You should visit our staffroom at lunchtime, we do this all the time!!
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Thanks, ItTakesAllSorts! I feel better now that I know how many other people do this. =P
@missak (3311)
• Spain
22 Jul 07
There is a religion in Cuba, based on some traditions brought from Cameroon in the 16th century, and very similar to masonry, that talks about all this. It is called Abakua. They have a deep moral code and they can kill thoose who cause harm to common wealth. Child molesters and rapists are top on the list, followed by pretty much any kind of abuser: harsh police, mafia, corrupt politicians... I am working on a screenplay about that. So you are not insane, is thoose "victims" who are insane.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Hmmm, interesting information, missak! You always teach me something I didn't know, and I appreciate that about you! Thank you!
@Amstardam (1348)
• United States
22 Jul 07
Hey, everyone probably comes to a point in their life where they want to kill someone - it's just some people actually do it and others don't. Don't believe anyone who says they've never thought about it, because the truth is no one is above anything. We're all capable of doing it. So if you're insane, we're all insane.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
23 Jul 07
Yay, a bunch of crazies, woohoo! Or none. Hmmm. =p "No one is above anything".... that's an interesting phrase. I'll have to think on that one. Thanks!
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jul 07
You're not insane at all and you should never think that about yourself. I think everyone in this lifetime has said and done things out of sudden reaction. Somethings trigger you and hit back home and you're simply reacting to them. I agree with you on the child molesters, rapists, etc, things like that just break my heart and I wish I could rip theirs out. It's simply a reaction, no one knows what you've been through in life. And simply if the post brought you back to something that triggerred a memory or something, then so be it. A comment is a comment and should be taken as freedom of speech. That said lecanis, keep your head up, you did nothing wrong. Peace to you.
1 person likes this
@naadia (830)
• India
24 Jul 07
me too agree with you.they should be killed in front of public so noone ever thing to commit this type of crime.me too started a discussion like this but i am not a victim.i read in a newspaper that a guy sexually abused many(i mean many) very young girls and killed and buried them in his house!this criminal should be killed or have to punish very badly!and i am sorry to hear that you are a victim of such abuse
@aissha (2036)
• India
24 Jul 07
no lecanis u are not insane u are a good girl as far as i know and u are fine unless u really kill some one ,thinking of killing and really killing someone is 2 different thing so don't worry.
1 person likes this
@missak (3311)
• Spain
23 Jul 07
:( I stiil can't see the answers, I don't know what happen... I am glad you liked my information, and wanted to say I always appreciate your teachings also :)
1 person likes this
@missak (3311)
• Spain
22 Jul 07
There is a religion in Cuba, based on some traditions brought from Cameroon in the 16th century, and very similar to masonry, that talks about all this. It is called Abakua. They have a deep moral code to follow, and they answer with self justice to thoose that cause a harm for common wealth (rewarding them then killing them if they reincide). The main victims are ase you said, child molesters and rapists are top on the list, followed by kind of abuser (harsh police, mafia, corrupt politicians). I am working on a screenplay about this topic. So you are not insane... thoose "victims" are insane...
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jul 07
I feel the same way and think the same way.Sometimes, I feel really alone when it comes to talking about family. I responded to a topic about this person asking if it's abuse that kids are on bottles and not potty trained at a certain age. I felt like saying so many things about abuse, but bit my tongue and left a long advice thing for her friend how to get the boys potty trained and bottle broke. How I deal with the abuse in my past is write a lot, and now putting it in complete thoughts and now writing a book about my life. Writing things out has always helped me with anger and feeling sad. There are times I have sat and made lists of the people I could do away with, my ex-husband at the top of the list. But, I would never act on it.
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
27 Jul 07
"So why is it that I feel so worried that I just came across to some random stranger who innocently posted a discussion NOT on this topic as a complete maniac? And why does it matter if I did come across that way anyway?" You very well may have...I know I do on a regular basis and have for MANY yrs (to the point that when I worked the circut and was heading to a club for my week booking some of the girls were actually afraid I was coming, even though they didnt even know me..why? becuase I had a reputation as being a lunatic with a BAD temper LOL).....Reality is IMO...most ppl DO think like that but DON'T admit to it or even acknowledge it and as far as I"M concerned THOSE are the ones to watch out for....Ppl like you and I who ADMIT and realize we have thoughts like that are also the ones who more often than not have it under control...But when ppl hear us talking that way they dont stop to realize that we're nothing to fear if that makes sense... Why does it matter to you? Cause you're human lecanis and you are a very openminded, strong being but if you and I are as similar as I think we are, ppl dont 'get it'..and when ppl dont 'get it', they like to stir up trouble in various ways strictly on assumptions rather than asking questions and getting their facts straight etc so naturally its something you/I would be concerned IMO...
@polachicago (19073)
• United States
23 Jul 07
You are not insane. The problem with today’s society is to tolerate big crime and punish without the reason everything else. You can pay huge fee for parking tickets and walk away fee for big crime. The penalty for child molesters and rapists should be much bigger that it is now; otherwise criminals will continue doing what they are doing.