Am i really depress?

United States
July 25, 2007 6:18am CST
This is my first time writing a discussion. My previous entry is a total bummer. Well,I really would like to know whether I am really depress. Well, to start up with. I remember 2-3 years back. I was having my art exam. I really worked hard with my preliminary to the point I had not enough sleep. 50% of the grade was on the preliminary. I had my other exam too. However, I am as a perfectionists, could not stand the slightest mistake and always re-do for many times before I am satisfied. Up to this point, I am really hardworking and were wise enough. That day, my teacher checked on my work. He knew that I did not sleep enough and was satisfied with the work I'd done. He let me to go home whereas my classmates were to stay behind and catch up with their work. I was focusing on my other exams and put my 'almost done' art pieces behind. Thinking that I would be able to finish it. I was wrong. Until the last minute, I did not know why I could not finish my art work. My preliminary was not even done. I was feeling hopeless and could only just see the clock ticking in my room. In short, I screw up for my final art. I scored A2 even though I know my final art which contains 50% of the grade was a kindergarden standard. My preliminary was scoring my points which help to push my grade a lot. The feeling of helplessness were probably the one triggers it. Afterwards, I made it for grade 9. I went to the best class. That was when my problem begun. My best skills, which was remembering and understanding was gone. I had problems with my friends and always in constant arguments with them. I had no motivations or concentration to study. I tried to relax and played most of the time to get my feet back on the ground. I used to do that when I am stress. The method did not work. I used to score A's but when grade 10 begun, I was scoring mainly F's and B's as my highest score. I did not understand and did not know what is wrong with me. Up til now, I still beleive that I am not depress. Giving myself a reasons that I was lazy which resulted my grade to start to slip. What I noticed was, I was starting to rebels everything and everyone. At that point of time, I thought they were not understanding my situation and kept forcing me to study. Sometimes in classroom, I had always scene playing in my mind. It was where I am suddenly stand up and start to scream and went out of the classroom. When I was alone, there was always voice inside my head blaming for everything that I did. I may sound exaggerating but I think that "voice" is my inner voice. Which always a good guide when we were to choose or corrected us when we were wrong. I still do not think I am stress or depress. Yet, I still have no motivation or unable to focus in class and my best bet was that I am stress or depress. I always felt hurt even though my friend was only casually joking to me. I am just not acting like myself this 3 years. The art thing was probably the starting point where I am starting to go awry. After that incident, I never been able to draw something simple or blank out whenever I am suppose to draw. This problems really starting to bug me a lot. I really do not know what is wrong with me. I had seen councillor. She was not a qualify one. As she made me felt more pressurize than ever. Is there any ways I can get my motivations or to focus in class better? I am really trying very hard to focus and remember lessons. However, as soon as I wake up the next morning, I could not recall or remembered any of the lessons. I used to love Science and always motivated to learn new things and stuff. Now, I am not motivated to do anything. What is really wrong with me? Any suggestions?
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