depression/gambling life in genral

I have walked in your shoes, I was depressed most of my life, I tried to end it all twice but I screwed that up. I got pregnant the night of my high school graduation and we got married. We ended up having one more child. I continued to be depressed for years. There where days I did nothing but cry. Then I went to a doctor and told her what was going on and got on the right medication. I started to see the light of day. I now have more bright days then dark days. I was able to go to school to become a nurse and worked for 20 years at our local hospital while in school and working I still had bad days but I continued on. Now the best advise I can give you is go to your physician and be honest with him/her; tell all. Tell him/her of the back pain and the depression. With the right medications and theapry you will start to feel whole again. I do not know what it must be like to have to take care of 5 children and your partner. I could hardly function with my two. I know I was not doing them any good by not taking care of myself, my thinking was not clear. MY days where spent thinking about what a waste I was, what a looser I was, I was fat, ugly, I did not desever anything, and the list went on and on. Now those thoughts are not with me. The kids are grown and happy adults. I am still married to their father it will be 30 years in September. I am disabled and yes we have a lot of money problems but I can think clear enough not to put myself down every second of the day. Good luck to you.