The Last Time He Said "I Love You" was before his surgery...

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So I am still dating my first love. It's been six years, but things are not at all the way they were when we first started dating. I know I shouldn't have done this but I went back and read a portion of the e-mails when we first started dating. For 3 years he wrote so many "I love you" and "I want to be with you forever" On April 23rd he had an e-mail titled, "I love you!!!" June 3rd he had an e-mail titled, "I want to break up and there is no question in my mind" There were no e-mails in my saved folder of his of the month of May at all. And then I remembered what happened in May.... He found out that he needed heart surgery. So for 3 years I got nothing but love letters, one month of nothing, and then from that point on it was nothing but not wanting me around anymore. Years after his heart surgery we rekindled our passion enough to become a couple again, but it's not the same. He doesn't have that undying love for me. He has never said I love you again. I can't blame our relationship on his heart surgery, but it is such a land marker. Before the surgery we were inseparable, going to move in together, going to get married, and I know he was the kind of guy that would've died for me. He was great. Then when he found out he had surgery the e-mails stopped, and looking back I remember the day he found out he needed it. He was like a new person. Coming out of the surgery I do feel like he is different too. Though there are tons of qualities that I fell in love with that are still the same, it was almost as if his heart had become hardened, literally. Part of me isn't sure if it'll ever work out in the end, because our relationship isnt' the same. We fight a lot and he pushes me away a lot. He was never like that before. He use to walk for blocks just to see me. Now it sometimes is like it's too much to ask for him to pick up the phone. I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore, because he tells me he does all the time. But the word Love hasn't re-entered the picture. When he found out he was getting heart surgery we essentially broke up...it was very out of the blue. And it's been almost 3 years since that day, and his family still doesn't know we got back together, nor does he even have enthusiasm to tell them. He seems depressed a lot...or maybe his personality just changed into a non-enthused person. He use to plan things. We would go, "Let's do this Friday." And now he has the attitude that there is no such thing as planning. Everything is spontaneous, but in the end... we don't even do anything. Nothing is spontaneous...except for what movie we put on the TV. I guess here's my story. And I dont' really have a question. But when I saw a Love Letter ... then one month of no e-mails... then a break up e-mail, and realized that the one month pause of no e-mails was the same month he found out he was having heart surgery, I felt very depressed. He really did change when he found out about the surgery, and he changed even more when he woke up from the surgery. Maybe he experienced a very traumatizing emotional experience that he he has never spoken to me about and really needs to talk to a counselor or someone. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as he use to... but he says he loves me in different ways, he just never says it, and he's more dense about his feelings. I need to stop typing I guess. I could go on and on about this.... about the man who I loved, the poet, the romantic, the every-girl's-dream who comes out to be dense, a closed book, and isolates himself to those that love him most. =( I still love him. His colors still shine bright...but will our passion ever be there again? It is sometimes...but it is only a flicker in the night sky.