My friend needs help, I need help...welcoming suggestions! / myLot

United States

September 18, 2007 10:31am CST

My friend is an awesome person. She is in her 40's and has been down on her luck for a couple of years after having a health issue. She got back on her feet minus having a vehicle. She then let her son move in temporarily, thinking it would help to advance her financially. He has a short temper and ordered and pushed her around, demanding money, etc. For the 8 months he lived there, she supported them both and was somewhat fearful of his behavior. She had met someone from a different state via someone at work and the relationship started to blossom pretty good and the man basically extended an invitation to move there, promising to take care of her and provide a safe place away from her son. She went a little apprehensively, not knowing him real well, but the option of staying with her son wasn't real attractive either. She didn't have the means to do it herself, this word you can take from me. Actually, the man put a down payment on a car for the son so he could get a job and was very nice to her, welcoming her dog, etc. Her dog is like her grandchild, has been there during every trife in the past few years and is very dear to her. When I first met her, she was making 19.00 an hour as a business manager at a nursing home. She is amazing with the elderly, I've never seen anyone like her and her compassion. She really doesn't think about herself the way she does others. HERE'S the dilemma......They moved to his house....he has two teenage boys. She cooked great dinners, cleaned house and got along famously with the boys. If she wanted to go anywhere (store, library, etc.), this guy brought her. He wouldn't let her out of his site. IT seemed abnormal at first, but now it is WAY out of control. She started to go on interviews, craving to get back to work. She was about to be hired (called back for 2nd interview) and he wouldn't let her go. He picked up and drove them all to his mother's in the next state. Left the boys with their mom, the house still is there, he pays mortgage on it for nothing. He's a truck driver so he either gets her to go with him or his mother keeps tabs on her, calls him if she gets phone calls, etc. He's not abusive, but just mildly psycho that he distrusts for no reason. He's going to be so sorry when she leaves, because there was no need for it. She was keeping a nice cozy home for him for a couple of short months. I hate that she is in this situation. Her spirit is dying. What I'm looking for are options. Ideally if I could find her work, where she could cook, clean, take care of someone and they would have a little efficiency where she could have her dog. Her dog is near perfect and very mature. My friend is so energetic, she can run circles around most people. She needs to thrive again, build her life back and rid herself of these losers. She could probably get help getting anywhere, but it would take some work as she has not a penny nor transportation. Sorry this is so long, but I was hoping this would get plenty of viewing so that I may receive some suggestions. I will answer anything I can. Thank so much!

2 responses

sephrenia

@sephrenia (567)

•

18 Sep 07

has your friend actually tried talking to him? I mean actually sit down and find out whats making him so paranoid? When men get like that there is usually a reason behind it. Has she suggested he see a counsellor? its a thought at least and it may help him identify problems hes having trouble overcoming. It may be that he has abandonment issues and worries secretly that she may leave him even if there is no justifiable cause for that worry. It may be that he's just always been like that and if thats the case, then she should leg it as fast as she can and not look back. I dont know how she can get to you with no transportation if she leaves him so that would be a bit of a problem i think and something she is going to have to work out, maybe coach or something? Either way, I hope your friend finds the answers shes looking for

micfac7

@micfac7 (158)

• United States

18 Sep 07

Yes, actually she has. He was on some anxiety meds and she's tried to get more regulated. He sleeps all the time, etc. She's talked to his mom about it and everything, but the mom says 'poor william' and they all feel so sorry for him. His mom even reports my friend's every move to her son daily. It's really whacked. I appreciate your suggestion. I also don't think she should move back to this area. Financially I cannot do much either, when she was sick, I brought food and stuff to her, but otherwise I don't have much either. Her son is here and honestly I'd rather see her where she is than near him. When she talks to him on the phone, he says send me money for a car payment! Demands it. He's a real loser and she would be stomped into the ground by him. In the situation she's in, luckily it's not abusive. It's just that I know she has such drive, talent, and potential if someone could just help her out of the immediate situation. She'd work 24 hours a day to repay it.

trinihd

@trinihd (996)

• United States

13 Nov 07

Sounds like she will need to plan an escape somehow, and make it clear when she leaves that she does not want this man in her life. She needs to get herself some friends outside his circle, like in a church or some other social setting which he might view as non-threatening to him, and in that way perhaps develop some relationships outside his influence, because she will need some help to plan a getaway so he does not realise it till it is too late. She will need someone who can keep her "quick getaway" box, like the one I saw in the TV show "Women's Murder Club" a box with all the essentials she would need to make a quick getaway. I think the first thing is to be sure this is what she really wants. It sounds like she tends to let other people control her, if her son treats her the way he does, and she doesn't do anything to let him know he shouldn't be doing that. Her willpower is what is going to be very important in whether she succeeds in getting rid of this controlling spouse. If she doesn't have the will power to want it and to do it, she will not succeed. It is not impossible to do, but it will take some clever planning and a lot of inner strength on her part to make a break from him. I would suggest an out-of-state move...make sure she uses cash only until she is as far away from him as possible so there is no "credit card trail" to follow, and of course, never stay very long at one place, until you switch locations a couple of times, I think this would help a lot in making sure that it would be very difficult to track her. Somehow she will have to file for divorce too....I mean, she does not want to be legally bound to him. But I don't know what the law dictates and whether she will be able to do that without giving away her location... She needs a lot more advice than I can offer I think. I hope you get a lot more responses! All the best to you and your friend!