raped and pregnant

United States
October 2, 2007 7:13pm CST
a woman i know was raped about two months ago and just found out despite taking the morning after pill that she is pregnant and not had any partners since. she has or is considering abortion due to the circumstances of the child but says she doesnt think she could live with herself. i was wondering since i am at an loss for what to advise her what anyone else might have to say about this.
6 people like this
30 responses
• United States
3 Oct 07
If she wants an abortion, then sh should get one. There is nothing to feel bad about. It wasn't her fault she got raped, it wasn't her fault she got pregnant. 8 weeks is early enough in the pregnancy that the fetus won't feel anything if she gets an abortion. It doesn't know it's there and it wouldn't know if she got rid of it and there's no chance it could everget hurt or be in pain from how it came to be. If she does have it, then there's no telling what kinds of things could happen to it. It might have a good life, but it might not.
2 people like this
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
3 Oct 07
And how do you know all that? Do you talk with the fetus? Did it tell you it wont feel any pain?
• Canada
3 Oct 07
During my high school days there were many girls who had abortion and I know how their thoughts and emotions torment them to this day. Especially after they had their first child and still at 30 Years later. I had a friend who gave her baby up for adoption and later had an abortion. We weren't friends at the time but she called me crying saying the pain of abortion was more unbearable haven given this baby up for adoption also. I believe that even if a woman convinces herself there is nothing wrong with her choice to abort that sooner or later it will hit her what she did. She will probably then realizes her choice to abort took a toll on her body and mind. This has been my experience with the few women that I know! I just believe there comes this day where we are alone and faced with our true self. We have no where to run and no where to hide as our truth rises to the surface. I am not saying there is no healing. I am saying healing comes from admitting truth.
• United States
3 Oct 07
"And how do you know all that? Do you talk with the fetus? Did it tell you it wont feel any pain? " It's scientific fact. A fetus before week 20 does not have a developed or functional nervous system, which is the apex of all sensation. Nor does it posess brain waves or activity and therefore, it does not posess thought and is physiologically incapable of even knowing it's own existance, much less anything else.
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6118)
3 Oct 07
Well I am sorry for your friend - how dreadful for her. My advice to her would be to do what feels right, and what is best for her. It is her body and her life - if she feels she cannot go through with an abortion, then it is her choice and I would support her, but if she decides to abort I would support her. If it were me, I firmly admit I would abort - I know I could never look at that child without remembering the dreadful things that were done to me to create him/her. I would end up hating the child, and that would be far worse. As for giving it up for adoption - how would that child feel when one day it grew up to reaise it's birth Mother rejected it because of what it's natural Father had done? But that is me - everyone is different, and have their own views on this. The only thing I do know is that your friend will need a good friend right now whatever she decides.
@XChelX (8)
• United States
3 Oct 07
I think that if she wants to have an abortion then she should do so considering the circumstances. It's not like she made a dumb mistake or something and now doesnt want to deal with it. This was something horrible that happened to her (the rape not the baby) and if she isnt ready to have the weight of this on her shoulders then she shouldn't have to.
2 people like this
• Canada
3 Oct 07
If it were me I would tell her that only she can mak the choice and that no matter what she decides I would still be there for her. She has to know she will not lose her frends and family over it.
@ailema4ever (2675)
• Finland
3 Oct 07
Oh dear...this is a woman's worst nightmare...I shudder just at the thought of it. I think if I were her, I also wouldn't have the heart to do abortion. Instead, I THINK I may give my baby up for adoption...but I can't say this for sure 'coz this is just a hypothetical question for me. In real life, I may act differently. Who knows??? Well, whatever she decides, the only thing you can do is just be by her side. Crossing my fingers so that your friend'll make the BEST decision so that she won't live with regrets.
1 person likes this
• Finland
3 Oct 07
Well, for me it's my worst nightmare. What if the child grows to be just like the rapist? You'll have a reminder of it every single day of your life. I KNOW that mothers will love their babies no matter what...it's hard for me to say this 'coz after all, this is all hypothetical for me and I myself wouldn't know what to do if it happened to me. I MAY act differently or think differently. Wouldn't you also probably act or think differently if it REALLY happens to you?
1 person likes this
• Finland
3 Oct 07
Just read your latest post...SORRY I missed reading that one! So you've been raped? I'm glad you've gone through counseling and you're now healed, so I was wrong in saying that it was a hypothetical question for you. Sorry about that. But for me, it still is a hypothetical question and I wouldn't really know for sure what I'd do. Maybe I'll grow to love the baby in my womb so that I wouldn't give him/her up...maybe this...maybe that...I can't say this for sure 'coz I don't know. But you're right about saying that it's still so fresh in her mind...because that was why I said it was my worst nightmare...if it's still so fresh in my mind, I don't think I can say it's a gift...yet.
1 person likes this
• Finland
3 Oct 07
Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we? Everybody can have different opinions on this. ;-))) What matters most is what the pregnant rape victim is feeling and thinking.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
7 Oct 07
Can't really give advice here since its her life. Saying get an abortion or no doesn't do anything. I've seen many sides of the situation. One girl I knew thought the baby was a blessing despite the circumstances; while another girl was completely horrified when it happened to her (she didn't keep it). This will be a tough decision and I'd say your friend has to make the decision herself, not based on what others say. I'd put this in the realm of self sovereignty, let your friend do what she thinks is best.
1 person likes this
3 Oct 07
You do not give your friend ANY advise at all. The last thing someone needs in this situation is hearing a million "well what I would do" scenarios. Be a friend and let her know you will support her no matter what her decision. DO NOT listen to any of the "holyier than thou" people that say abortion is not an option. I personally do not believe in abortion BUT it the case of a rape pregnancy it should be legal. I'ts a horriblr thing to happen to anyone but if you recommend what she should, she follows your advise and regrets it later...guess who she is going to be mad at?
1 person likes this
@pinklilly (3446)
• Australia
3 Oct 07
If it was me personaly I would have an abortion I wouldn't want to have that constent reminder of what happened in my face everyday, it would tare me to peices.. How would the child feel also to find out they were conceived through a rap, and not intended.... So sad, my heart goes out to your friend she must be going through hell... I hope she has her friends and family to support her through this, and get all the help she needs to grow stronger and gain back herself...
1 person likes this
@bonbon664 (3470)
• Canada
3 Oct 07
I would support her, but, it's ultimately her decision. She should make it on her own without ramifications of being ashamed or shunned. She better make a decision soon either way. It wouldn't be a hard one for me, under the circumstances, I would have one.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Oct 07
Taby, you know Im really sorry that happened to your friend. It would be my advice not to listen to too many people on here. Your friend needs to make this choice on her own, without prejudice. She has to block out everyone and be strong. Im sure its making her head go in circles, I get that way when Im trying to balance the check book! Support her, and tell her that you support ANY decision she is going to make. Perhaps even if you dont really. She doesnt need pro's and con's pulling her left and right. Bay xx
1 person likes this
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
3 Oct 07
OMG Thats just terrible. Well she has to a certain amount of weeks pregnant to get an abortion. If I were her I dont know what Id do. I feel so sorry for that woman. I hope things work out for her.
1 person likes this
• Australia
3 Oct 07
It is all up to her decision actually. However, if she wants to keep it, she needs to think futher ahead, such as, will she hate the kid later in the future, everytime she looks at the kid's face, cos it will remind her of her tragic experience. For me, I would have aborted it.
1 person likes this
@shadowing (309)
• Malaysia
3 Oct 07
Hi taby, sad to hear about that. Sigh, I mean it's bad for her situation but..abortion is not encouraged. Well, after all I don't know what to advice. I mean it's hurt for a lady to meet this kind of thing and in fact the child is unwanted but..yet I feel abortion shouldn't be applied. God bless her...
• United States
3 Oct 07
Support her in any way that you can. Find out if she want to go see a good doctor to talk to such as a psychologist to help her in the decision making. It is a terrible thing that has happened to her but she is not the first one and unfortunately will to be the last woman that this happens to. Dopes she know the rapist? If so them make sure that he pays either for the upbringing (if she decides to keep the baby) or the abortion (if that is the way she decide to go or at least the doctors visits and other medical cost, what ever they might be.
1 person likes this
@taylorblue (1286)
• Canada
16 Oct 07
I don't know wha to say. It's a pretty personal choice. My daughter was concieved out of rape and I went on and married the man. It's up to her I guess. But if she did all that and she is still pregnant there must be a reason.
• United States
16 Oct 07
You married your rapist?? Could I ask why?
• Canada
16 Oct 07
Because he was my boyfriend and I thought he would never hurt me again like that...well I was wrong...I would never have aborted that baby...I know that. But that's just me....
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
19 Oct 07
"Because he was my boyfriend and I thought he would never hurt me again like that...well I was wrong...I would never have aborted that baby...I know that. But that's just me..." I just wanted to say that I commend your honesty in sharing that here. I don't think many people realize how common of an experience that is. I'm assuming this was some time ago, I hope that since then you have had a chance to heal from the abuse and that you are safe & happy now.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
3 Oct 07
Although I don't agree with abortion, I can't make this choice for her. All I can do is give my own opinion and I think the only good adivce I can give her is to go with your gut feelings. Fallow your heart. I'm sure she will make the right choice. She could have the baby and then give it up for adoption, or she could raise the baby as nothing happened. And believe me, it can be done. I know mothers that have kids that were rape victoms and they went ahead and had the child and raised it with no problems at all. It's a rocky road, but you just have to have support. But in the end if she wants an abortion, then that is her choice. But she should think everything over, but she shouldn't wait until the last minute. She is 2 months and the baby is growing. Soon she might even build a bond. It has a heartbeat already. She just needs support. Good luck with your friend!
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
4 Oct 07
I wont waste my time on you. You never make a point. You just seem to say hateful things and I'm not really in the mood to argue with someone that is imature. Maybe next time. On another topic. Or when you grow up?
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
6 Oct 07
Ice Queen? LOL! That sure is me.. Did that make you feel better to bring up someones past? Just remember this, I'm now a better person and even when I was the so called ICE QUEEN as you say I am, I was still a better person then you.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
7 Oct 07
LOL! This can go on forever. So I'll be the better person and end it now.
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
3 Oct 07
Is it possible she was pregnant already when she was raped? The morning after pill is of course not 100% effective, but taking it within the recommended time frame is of course the most effective it can be. If she were already a few days along in a pregnancy, then the rape happened & then she took the morning after pill- it'd be very unlikely to end the pregnancy. If that's at all possible & if it would help her decide what she wants to do; I'd suggest she get in for a trans-vag*nal (can't believe MyLot doesn't allow that word) ultrasound as soon as possible. The earlier in a pregnancy an U/S is done, the more accurate it is with determining the date of conception. If that's not possible, I'd suggest that you encourage her to talk to a therapist who specifically works with survivors of rape. If she wishes to continue the pregnancy, of course that's her right. But she'll reasonably need more support & help throughout the pregnancy as she heals from the rape too.
• United States
4 Oct 07
Off topic- I've had one of those done(UltraSound). They're sooo icky.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
4 Oct 07
Gloom & S.Clam, I wholeheartedly agree with you. They are icky to say the least, and terribly invasive. A woman who's just lived through a rape may find it just too much to handle now. But a traditional abdominal u/s is unlikely to be accurate enough to really pinpoint conception. If I were raped during a cycle that I was also actively trying to conceive with my partner, it would be something I had to know to make a decision.
@melody1011 (1664)
• India
4 Oct 07
I think that she has a choice in life. She can choose to have this baby and give it up for adoption or raise the baby by herself with the support of family and friends. Since she would not be able to live with herself if she had an abortion, this is the best possible solution for her. Giving the baby up for adoption would give another childless couple, a chance to experience love that only a child can bring.
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
7 Oct 07
"Where did the OP say that?" - [/quote Sacri] Second sentence in the post. "she has or is considering abortion due to the circumstances of the child but says she doesnt think she could live with herself." - [/quote Sacri] Albeit she said doesn't THINK she could live with herself.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
3 Oct 07
I have done a lot of research on the subject and usually the victim of a rape keeps her child or releases the child to adoption. She has already been victimized and abortion would further victimize her. Has she heard of the Crisis Pregnancy Centers, they provide cribs and clothes and help to mothers in need. I do not believe in abortion. Many women do because either they hate children, and because they blame infertile couples for being infertile, or they had abortions themselves and want to punish pregnant woman for daring to get pregnant, many of them have the idea that if you got pregnant when single even if a man tied you up and beat you senseless, it is your fault and you should be punished. They also believe that no one in the whole universe will want the baby, and it should not be born. This is a link to the Crisis Pregnancy Site. http://www.priestsforlife.org/crisis.html I do not know if she is Roman Catholic, (I am not) but they will help her.
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
7 Oct 07
"Do they pay your bills, too? Cribs and clothes are fine, but what about medical bills? Hospital stays? Surgical costs? Time off work (for me would be a year)? Do they pay mortgages, utility bills, food, babysitters, hire someone to tend to my chores? Doubt it. I know these people mean well, but giving a pregnant woman a crib and a sack of clothes may help some, but more often than not, more women need what I just put down: financial help. Not all women can qualify for enough public aid to cover their expenses due to race." - [/quote Sacri] Indeed. Quoted for truth especially the last sentence. Sometimes the real aid is their via non-profits or government but other times its only certain things or there are prerequisites as described.
1 person likes this
@utuluk07 (47)
• Nigeria
3 Oct 07
In most cases people go for an abortion, but you have to let her know the status of her body before she does that..So she doesnt go for abortion and loses her womb.To me I support abortion this time around because it is unbearable to mother a child or such circumstance. please this is just what came to my head at the moment and cant be considered 50% best solution, just making contributions anyway.
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
7 Oct 07
You're not alone in that reaction Sacri. I was just gonna look at this thread only, but that statement made me do a double take. The only thing remotely close to what Utu described would be losing the womb due to the rape(but that usually happens to much younger victims i.e. kids). And as always, I'm not above going out and trying to at least find examples of both cases.
1 person likes this