Relationship Advice for a mother with a 6 year old

United States
November 22, 2007 11:21am CST
Ok i probably made the biggest mistake in my life however i dearly love the man to death but he has caused nothing but havock in my life. I have a six year old whom wasn't living with me because i couldnt trust the boyfriend whom i had been dating so for the safety of my son i moved him out and put him in with my parents. The boyfriend had two lives he has a nice side and a very aggressive nasty side. I fell in love with the nice side and to this day still cannot seem to see past it. My son however hates this man and my family does too i however still try to help him and be with him when i can because i cannot seem to let him go. During the time of my relationship he abused me mentally and physically, he talks garbage to my family, he sees most all white ppl as racists yet he is racists against his own ppl. My mind is always going because do i not only have to care for myself i have to make sure my son is ok and has what he needs, i have to make sure this man i love is ok and has what he needs, i also have to takecare of myself, work a job and help out the rest of my family and friends whenever they need me. So for me life appears difficult and im not sure where i am heading. i applied for a new job in hopes to have a fulltime job and parttime job to support myself and my son see the boyfriend took off to another state so now it was my time to get back on my feet and do something about the wreck my life was in. I suppose i should step back a little and explain that when the boyfriend came he came right off the streets he didnt have any family very few friends but he had nothing i brought him into my home but he didnt want to get a job so i was ok with it no biggie theres lots of relationships where the man works and the woman doesnt so ill see if i can function. As times got hard i ended up loosing my house in foreclosure and we had to move to an apartment 40 minutes from the town where my son was. My son of course is staying with my parents because i want him to stay safe and healthy and i go to see him everyday or everyother day and if i cannot make it there then i call and talk to him. In the mean time the boyfriend and i move to a not so nice neighborhod where there are lots of drug deals going on and lots of wierd ppl whacked out. The apartment goes into foreclosuer so we can live there rent free. after three months and alot of ups and downs my boyfriend wiggs out over me putting ketchup on his taco which is exactly what he ate for the last 11 months so what happened i dont know but he kicks me out and then calls me a few days later to tell me to come get my stuff hes leavingtown. i go to get my stuff he confesses how much he loves me but he doesnt have any options i got four stories of where he might be going however in the back of my mind i thought i knew what he was up to. It ends up three days prior he met some broad on line with four kids and hes going there. He spent the whole nite telling me how much he loves me and doesnt want to leave i try to tell him that he doesnt have to go but he insists. He wont help me get my stuff out of the apartment so i stayup the whole nite and move my stuff down the stairs and to my car. The next morning i wake him and tell him to call his broad and let her know hes on his way because i want to get the rest of the stuff loaded up. He gets angry and i leave so he can make the call while im out at the store he calls i get back and now he wants to cuddle and kiss and still tell me how much he loves me. Anywyas i take him to the bus and he leaves my family is waiting for me at the apartment because they want to help me get the last of my stuff out. We get it all moved then three days later he calls to tell me hes ok he made it and hes sorry he didnt call sooner. Asks me to call the next nite so we can talk. I call he wants to tell me how he was so sick when he got on the bus and how he didnt want to leave but had to tomake me wake up. MAKE ME WAKE UP???? i was furious we screamed and yelled and talked and i cryed cause how in the world can i love someone so much who treats me like garbage. why am i allowing this person in my life who has caused me complete havock?? Hes been gone a week well almost but now he wants to come home he wants me to help him get a ticket and get back to me and im stupid enough to say ok i want to help you. Now im wondering will it be worth it? Is he going to jet off to another woman the next time he gets mad at me? I explained to im hes going to have to change he cannot control me, he cannot be mean to my son hes going to have to buck up and be a man because if i have to find somewhere to stay im going to have to take my son wit me and i dont want no junk from him hes going to have to change and become a man and get rid of the boyhood junk so he can be a father figure and help me raise my son. I also told him hes going to have to get a job of some sort cause im not going to work my rear off to support him and my son running myself into an early grave because hes to lazy to help. I do not understand my self why am i allowing this man to ruin my life, and my sons life??? I have never put up with it before in any other case i tellhe guy to move on cause im not a stupid girl i have been watching all this stuff unfold for the last 11 months i feel like im being played i feel like im being used. If anyone has some sort of advice or knowledge as to why i do what i do or what i can do about it please respond. My family and friends pound it in my head every day but i get so sick of hearing from them i feel like they are all just in my business and trying to run my life like always.
12 responses
• United States
22 Nov 07
I'm sorry, what? You moved your child of your body out of your house for a man who disrespects you, your son, and your family? You chose a man who cannot respect himself over your BABY? You say you are not a stupid girl, and that may be true, but you are doing a lot of stupid things right now. Worse than stupid, things that could cause you to lose the most important thing in your life right now. Your friends and your family pound this into your head daily because they're terrified for your son. With a mother who does not care about him enough to recognize a fool when she sees one, not only that, but to enable this fool and put him above her son... I fear for his stability growing up. Know that I do not mean to insult you, but I have no pity for you. If you had no children, I might pity you because I do understand circumstances happen. But as a mother who has been in a similar situation but made very different choices, I can honestly say you are wrong. You are so wrong. And I don't know you, but my heart hurts for you and your son. You need to stop thinking about it and kick this fool out of your life permanently. No contact period. You may love him, I understand that, but that does not mean you put up with him. Not if that means your son gets the short end of the stick. Any man who can't understand that your son comes before all else is not worth your time. You have so much time later when your son is grown to worry about relationships. The only one that should be a priority for you right now is the one with your son. You need to rebuild that trust and respect with him and your family, and get down on your knees and thank them with everything in you for being there for you and your son. I know bloody well my family wouldn't have done it. You are lucky enough to have that privilege. Snap out of this and grow up quickly.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Nov 07
When you gave birth to your son he was now your priority. Your not a mother if you can choose a man over your child. I hope when the time comes he gives you bak what you gave him. I pray the parents who stepped up. Get the blessing they deserve. I always say a just because you can have a baby,. That does not make you a mom. Your his mother and your mother is his mommie. Shame and disgrace on you. You have shown no signs of adulthood. You should have waited before you had that baby. He did not ask to be born into the hell you choose for a life. You and this man should marry and live is turmoil.
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
22 Nov 07
That was a long post but all I had to read was about the physical abuse and that was more than enough red flag for me to advise you that this man is a no-no, unless you want to be a punching bag for the rest of your life, all the while neglecting your son and the rest of your family. Think about that.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Nov 07
Honestly, you need to kick this guy to the curb!! I know you've heard it all before but sit back and think....you are not living with your son because of a boyfriend and because you are trying to keep your son safe....think about it and let it sink in....why would you live like that? I know you are tired of hearing it from your friends and family and now me - a total stranger is telling you to kick this guy to the curb!! You will find someone else who really cares about you and your son and you deserve to be with someone who gives you the same love and respect that you give them. Why would you even be with a man that you think would harm your son - this is your "WAKE UP CALL" - get him out of your life and move on to a normal life with your son and your family and friends. Do not let this guy control you or talk you into thinking you've done something wrong. Let him stay where he is and don't ever talk to him again. That's my advice. You may not like it but when I was young I dated this guy and it sort of reminds me of the same thing but I broke up with him and moved on....your life will be so much better. Think of your son - you brought him into this world and like hell you are going to protect him but does that mean letting him live at your parents so you could be with some deadbeat! Hell no - it means get rid of this deadbeat and get control of your life again. You don't love him - he's brainwashed you....please kick him to the curb - you deserve better.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Nov 07
Okay so you should have known better then to post that here.lol we are a bunch of mothers and as it looks none of us would put a man before our children. i do feel for you about the relationship part but i have no sympathy for you when it comes to your son.. u think ur life is messed up.. your sons it more he doesnt have his mother.and what he sees you doing. ugh! dont u know kids learn from what they see...just because u call or talk to him doesnt mean u r with him. love is easier said then done and at 6 well. the kids isnt stupid im sure.. u better get your butt back there and be with that boy before he hates you for leaving him behind... my mother chooses and has chosen men over us children in the past. and ill tell you what..my love for her is about 99.9 percent less for her then it was when i was a child...
• United States
23 Nov 07
i appreicate all your responses...i wish i knew how i could respond to you all with one reply but im new and dont know this system very well. i have seeked help and started going to therapy which is how i became stronger in the first place...someonewho responded said i was brainwashed and honestly that is exactly how i felt. i was at work one day and lost complete thoughts then i started having troubles with easy answers and memory and THAT is when i realized something was wrong. I called my EAP and then went thru therapty and with her help i have been getting stronger and stronger. which is what lands me in the position i am in he left cause i was making my own decisions he left to hurt me and make me think abotu what i did wrong. My son on the other hand wel someone commented on the fact i was a bad mother....im not a bad mother my son is and always has been my world before this man came along i do everything for my boy everything i do in life was to take care of him. My son is not in need of anything but me at the time, i am now back wtih my son living at my parents house. My son saw things unfold which i wish he didnt see but my son is also very smart and he made sure he was safe and i was safe on the same hand i always made sure my son was safe i dont trust anyone with my son the only ppl who can watch my son is my parents or my sister i have never allowed ANYONE to take care of my son. I am very particular about that because babysetters can be killers to. My son is mixed my family is white i do not like what my family installs in my son but because i had such a bad year and wanted to keep him safe now I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE MISTAKES THAT I MADE. My goals are to pick up another job working both fullime and part time till i get on my feetat that point i will take my son from my parents house and we will then go back to living for each other and i will install new rules and discipline in him. My sons father has never met him the man that i was with is not my sons father. My son only knows my dad as a father figure they are best friends they are grandpa and baby however my dad doesnt install what i feel my son should know so therefore i have to install that in him. I didnt date much in my life which is whyi feel like im vulnerable. First i never dated in school so i had no clue how dating worked, i had my son at 26 but i didnt know until i found out i was pregnant that the father couldnt be tied down anyways i looked forward and loved being a single mom but my son wanted a male figure in the house so when he was four i started datin not cause i wanted to but i was trying to make my son happy. I dated a few guys whom for whatever reason didnt work and i had to tell them to buzz off. Then i ran into this guy everything seemed ok at first then after a few months things started going a little crazy and they got crazier so my son has been living with my parents for maybe three months cause i didnt know what the guy was up to and as i told you all before the guy took off and went to another state but now he says he knows how he messed up and wants to rectify or fix it and wants to change but i already set the ground rules i already said these are your options you come back you find a job you respect me you respect my son and one slip up i am gone and you will never contact me again..i have those options!!! the way i see it is if he really loves me and my son he will step up to the plate and be the man if he doesnt then my son and i move on and leave him eating dust dwelling in his own sorrows. Again i do appreciate allthe comments as i said i am not someone who has dated alot and that keeps me vulnerable however im not stupid and i do keep my eyes wide open most of the time. I just wanted some outsider attention knowing the "public" knows dating and has seen things worse then my situation so i just needed some advice and insite and that is what i got I APPRECIATE IT ALL I DO !!! THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
23 Nov 07
In my experience and I have dated a lot of bums in my life, leave this guy eating your dust now. I have dated guys like this before I had kids and they were bad enough without having kids in the picture. You seem very inexperienced in the dating game so let me say this....this man will never change, he is a con artist and he is telling you everything you want to hear to help him get back to town and then you will be caught up in the same situation as before if not worse. Please, please, please do not go back to this guy! Stay at your moms, get your life back together, enjoy your time with your son and do what you need to do for YOU. Because if you and this guy try to work things out, it will only be harder for you to let go again. there is a reason your son hates this man. Kids are very good at judging a persons intent and character. They can spot a jerk a mile off. Your son sees it, take the hint and move on.
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
25 Nov 07
I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time dealing with all that your dealing with, but the reality is you don't have to be dealing with this AT ALL. That guy is a worthless jerk and you have sacrificied your son and the life that you and him could have had for a life of misery and abuse from a man that doesn't really love you. The thing that probably gets me the most is that you obviously know what kind of person this is and that he's never gonna change and have admitted to getting your son out of an abusive situation, but you continued to stay and take it. Are you that down on yourself? I think that you need to be in some kind of counseling to build your self esteem back up and you need to get your stuff together and get your son. Forget the man. Men come and go, unfortunately...but your kids are yours and your responsibility for life. It's not your parents responsibility to raise your child. It's yours and it's yours to make sure that you and your child are in a safe enviroment. that child needs you, as his mother, to be there for him. Going to see him every day or every other day is not the same to that child than knowing that you will never leave him. That poor child is going through him own turmoil and i'm telling ya, in the end you will not think this man is worth it when your child starts having severe problems or acts out because he's angry at you. do the right thing, get rid of the man and be your son's mother. I wish you the best. God bless
@luluwow (165)
• United States
24 Nov 07
You really need to think about and examine why you have no self esteem and feel you are unworthy of a genuine loving relationship???? Continually putting yourself in dangerous and tormenting situations is sad enough, but you are now doing the same thing to your son. He is now tormented by the fact that his mom basically abandoned him for her own needs, and yes a 6 year old can feel this and be very hurt by it. You need counseling, or at least some very REAL and deep soul searching to understand why you are so hurtful to yourself and others. Please make a concious decision to grow up a bit mentally and emotionally and think of others, and yourself. This is a classic case of sel=abuse. CHOOSE not to live it.
@diane52 (33)
• Jamaica
23 Nov 07
This is long, after reading the first few lines I stopped, girlfriend I have a son and "NO MAN IS GOING TO COME BEFORE HIM" they are not worth it, if he going to abuse u u don't need him in your life he is a mess, first of all u r not the one to tell him to go get a job he should see for himself that he needs to go work. You know something you need to get rid of this BURDEN and move on with your life if not for u do it for your son, if u don't do it now u will be sorry, you must remember that u have a son and children live what they learn, wake up girl u need to move on. You need to sum up all the advice that u have gotten and take charge of yours and your son's life
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
23 Nov 07
Well, I will say this, you certainly are in a mess. Your son is living with your parents, you've lost your house, your apartment and having to work a full time job and a part time job to support this Ahole. Come on! Wake up! Leave the guy where he is and get on with your life. He's useless and isn't going to make any changes because your allowing him to stay the way he is. He came off the streets because you allowed him to con you into taking him in. First of all, how did you meet this guy? I do'nt think your family is trying to "run your life like always" they see your making the hugest mistake in your life and they love you and don't want to see you suffer like you are!!!! Have the strength for God's sake to stand up for yourself and take your son back and get on with your life! Your parents shouldn't even be taking care of your kid so you can live a dangerous life with a nutbag. I can't grasp leaving my child for a man. My child is my life and if I had to leave him/her for a man, the man would go first. No one separates me from my children. I will tell you this. This man will never change and he will continue doing what he is doing and it will only get worse. You say your family is trying to control you...well, sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but your allowing this man to control you and he doesn't even love you. Your family is only trying to get you to see the light and they do love you and you slap them in the face by burdening them with your child and all of your problems yet they still come to your help when you need it. Wake up girlfriend! It looks like your very confused about the reality of this situation. Your son will grow up to resent you for not loving him enough to stay with him and give up this useless idiot you keep chasing. Because I am sorry, that's what it sounds like. You don't love yourself enough to stand up and be strong and do what is right in your life, how can you love your son enough to choose him over this idiot? I hope you find the answers your looking for and I am sorry I am being so harsh, but it sounds like you need a wake up call. I will pray for you that you make it through this in one piece. I just hope that you leave this guy behind, get your son and love him and work for him. Mistakes are made in life, don't continue living one.
• United States
23 Nov 07
For starters your family actually cares about you and your son. They are trying to help not run your life. The guy is something you are going to have to realize and do something about yourself. You already know he won't work, abusive, cheater (left you for someone else),he uses you for a place to live, not safe for your son to be around. Counselling for you to cope may be something to consider. NO ONE IS WORTH GIVING UP YOUR CHILD FOR. Your family loves you and is taking up for you. Best of luck
• United States
22 Nov 07
If you don't want your friends and family to "run your life" as you put it, then run it yourself! I will never, ever, understand any woman putting ANY man before her children. Do you love your son? You say you moved him in with your parents so he'd be safe...okay...then you say you have to make sure he has what he needs...my question is, do you not think that the number one thing your son needs is YOU? He needs YOU to be healthy and happy and either single or in a healthy relationship. And you recognize that this relationship is NOT AT ALL healthy. So, to me, you are neglecting your son in the worst way a mother ever could. If you are willing to work a full time job and a part time job, shouldn't you do that for your son and not for this deadbeat man? You need a counselor, someone not related to you who doesn't know you at all, to talk all this out with. If you did that, you'd see what the answer is yourself, you wouldn't have to post on myLot to a bunch of strangers. Go back and re-read what you posted. Ask yourself what is most important to you. Your son needs YOU.
@dianne17k (600)
• Philippines
22 Nov 07
Wow! that was a pretty long post. Probably the longest I've ever seen on mylot... If only I don't need to sleep right away, I'd post a much decent response. Anyways, I'll post some advice tomorrow. Hang on there... tc...