why does he fight

United States
December 16, 2007 12:48am CST
no matter how nice I am my brother always get defensive as if he doesn't trust me. what am I supposed to do. I love the kid and I want to be his friend
1 person likes this
6 responses
• United States
16 Dec 07
The first thing I will ask is; are you two the only children? If so, who's the older one (I think I know)? Also, how old are you guys? The reason I ask this, is so I can gauge what mindsets you've got. Talking to a teenager is a lot different than talking to an adult, because we can sometimes say things that to others of our own age make sense, but younger/older people can take it the wrong way. Not knowing these variables, I will go on. Brothers sometimes get jealous of each other, the younger one for the older ones' freedom and lifestyle for example (being 10 and having a 17 yo brother can be quite intimidating, as the older one has a car, maybe money from a job (paperboy, etc), and maybe a girlfriend). Issues like these tend to stay buried, and one seeing that the other doesn't "get them", due to differences in age etc, things tend to eek out only in combative ways. For example, your calling your brother a "kid" may be a sign. Do you treat him as an equal? Or do you still treat him as a kid and talk to him that way. If you don't respect him, or if you judge him, then maybe, just maybe, he is being resentful to that (aka, "you're not dad!"), and can feel it when you talk to him that way. Big brothers have a tendency to do that. It's how they are. The best thing that you can do is talk to your brother. Ask him "Why do you get so defensive when we talk? I feel like you don't like me or trust me." Understand that you guys are different. One of you may be a jock, and the other a bookworm. Get the idea? Don't automatically think that the problems you guys are having are his fault (that's being judgey). Take time to think and realize that it could be your fault. The reason that I say this, is that if you think in those terms, it will start an inner dialog, and will allow you to analyze things. Be truthful with yourself, and I mean bare-naked scary truthful. You can start the above mentioned conversation by saying that you've been doing a lot of thinking, and want to make things right between you two. If you have been thinking about it, and if you are serious about making things right (whomsoevers' fault this is), then you will deal with this calmly, rationally, and sincerely. Don't yell. If he starts yelling, then let him keep yelling, and do not raise your voice. Let him vent, and when he is done, ask him if there is anything else he would like to say. Don't laugh at him or mock him or talk to him like a child (even if he is a child). If there are things that have been done in the past that he is holding on to, then let it go. If it is something that he says you've done (which may be the case here more than likely, or he may feel that you've always looked to get him in trouble,or pointed out that he is different in some way, hence the distrust), then own up to it. If he is mistaken about something, saying you always acted like this, but you were really acting like that, then point out the confusion, and don't place blame, don't accuse, nor make excuses. If there was no reason for doing or saying something then say that "I had no reason for..."; believe me, the truth is better than half a lie. If you two won't face this, then everything that I have said is pointless. Trust in the fact that you are brothers, and that you love each other. Take whatever punches you need to to soothe this over. Tell him you want to resolve your problems. One last thing. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix a problem, no matter how hard you try. In most cases that point has not been reached if someone is asking for help. The reason I say that is because usually the damage has been done, and NEITHER party is looking to resolve anything. Well, that is my 50 cents. Understand that I am NOT a doctor, lawyer, therapist, or in any other profession that is legally designed to assist others with their problems. I am just a guy with a few thoughts in his head, who has experience in being a little brother. Take care and good luck.
• United States
16 Dec 07
I'm 16 and he's 15. I also have a 21 year old sister and an 8 year old sister. My brother and I have the same dad but dad only wants to see him and he hangs that over my head when he wants to. I got past that but when I'm gong into my room to change or anything like that he'll tell me to get out and call me names and other things totally unprovoked
• United States
23 Jan 08
he's a jerk have you not noticed? ive hung out with you a few times.. while he's been thurr and he's just a jerk
• Canada
28 Dec 07
My brother is 8 years younger than me but still he thinks himself to be of my age or my equivalent in wit. Its the other way round for him he gets offensive even if I don't. The best way to befreind your brother, jorden, is that you remain polite with him even if he is rude.
@extrex (52)
• Cayman Islands
24 Dec 07
maybe you've done something bad to him? just react the same way he does and he'll see...
• United States
17 Dec 07
part of this situation cold be because of things that happen at school or other places. If not that then it might just be a phase because i know that me and my brother used to do stuff like this as well, but we finally found something that we can do together and we both love doing.. aka snowboarding surfing and getting my dad pissed off. try to find something he loves to do and try doing that with him
@vera5d (3958)
• United States
16 Dec 07
the first thing i would do is entirely ignore him until he is nice to you... don't worry, everybody outgrows it sooner or later