Is it normal for your BF to say he doesn't know if he loves you?

@Courtom (288)
Canada
March 13, 2008 8:47pm CST
We are young. I am 18, him 19. A month ago, when he turned 19 and started going to the bars, things got rough. He started not calling, texting, and starting little fights over nothing. I started to suspect my fears about us growing up and apart were coming true! I started thinking that he wanted to experience another woman in his life. We have only ever been with each other, since I was 16. We got into this fight, well he did, over nothing, and I remember telling him I loved him and that I didn't understand what was wrong, that I was fine with him going out to the bars every weekend. He walked away, and didn't contact me for a couple days. When he did contact me, he said he wanted space, said he was young and didn't know what love was, that he really liked me and cared for me...?? I was shocked, 15 months, and all the times he said he loved me, meant nothing to me anymore. When the weekend came around, and he had no money (spent it all at the bar the weekend before) He called me and picked me up, gave me a necklace and told me he was wrong, stupid, and so sorry. I thought he was only bored, or maybe it was my birthday on Tuesday and he wanted us together. Two weeks later, he did it again, said he needed space, and that he cared for me but didn't understand what love was. He broke up with me over a text. Usually I would cry, but I was PISSED! How disrespectful is it to break up with someone over a text?!? So I drove to his place, dropped off his stuff, and told him I have had enough of his immature nonsense. I said you can't tell me you love me and take it back again and again, because I will just stop believing in it. Is it normal for a partner to be confused about love? We are "fine" now, but ya, now im second guessing everything. Is he just staying for comfort? Because his family loves me? Do they influence his decision. He has told me that he wants to marry me, have kids with me, live in the country with me, and spend the rest of his life with me. Tell me your stories similar to this. I need to know I am not the only one out there. This young man, if so special to me, we have gone through SO much, he battles a disease, and he has healed me from a painful past, and helps me everyday to get up in the morning with a smile, he says I am the apple in his pie.. lol Share with me, please
4 people like this
14 responses
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
14 Mar 08
it sounds to me, unfortunately, that he is trying to get his fill of other women. if he is doing this every other week saying he needs his space he's probably up to no good. i know that isn't something you wanna hear, but unfortunately it's probably the case. you need to make it clear to him that he's either in this relationship with you for the long haul or he's not in a relationship with you period. don't let him do this to you. one week he's fine and the next he needs his space and it's at the bars. i don't think so? you should have a problem with him going to the bars without you. when my husband and i married, we both agreed that we wouldn't go without going with each other. there are to many people out at the bars looking for something other than a drink andi would feel very uncomfortable with my husband being there by himself. you need to reevaluate your relationship and figure out not only what he's doing, but what you want out of this relationship. good luck and keep us posted. God bless
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
Thank you for your comment. It has happened twice. The thing is, He is the first of all his friends to turn 19, and had to go to the bars with his brothers and his brothers friends. He is very shy, but after drinking, no one is. I started the "stripper post" and that is why I am so worried. I am walking on a thing line with him, and feel that when the rest of his friends all turn 19, it will be a party, and he is gonna wanna do it single? But of course, he wants me. I don't want to be his part-time girlfriend. I do not deserve it at all. after everything we have gone through. I need the support from my friends, to be strong enough to stick up for myself.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Mar 08
I think it's logical for him to say that he doesn't know what love is, or that he's unsure. At least, that's how I would have felt if this was a one time occurrence, just him testing the waters. Since it's happened more than once and seems to be happening on the weekends... I'd drop him like a rock. Breaking up over a text? Disgraceful.
1 person likes this
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
I was disgusted, and have never stood up for myself like I did that night. No tears, just anger. I told him that he is making a BIG mistake, that if he wants to party and come crawling back to me once he is bald and has drinkin his disease out of remission, I won't be sitting at home waiting, I will be out there living my life. He was scared, I don't want him staying with me just because.. he has to have a reason. I think I need to talk to him, because I obviously still think about it a lot. I told him to never pull a stunt like that on me again.
14 Mar 08
hmm.. this is a tough one. me & my boyfriend are both 17, he is 7 months older. He has done a similar thing in the past. Once he thought I didnt trust him & broke up with me, then said how much he missed me & that he had realised how much he loved me. Another time he just started acting all weird on me, you know how you can tell when there's something wrong. So I asked him & asked him for days what was wrong & I kept getting the same answer "nothing". Until one night I sat him down & said " right I know something's wrong & your gonna tell me cause we tell each other everything & there's no secrets. he told me he thought I was gonna cheat on him. When I asked him why he told me he thought I would do it "to get my own back" because he had cheated on me before. But we got over it & moved on. I don't really know what advice to give you or if this will help you but I hope all goes well.
1 person likes this
@az03r4 (916)
• Indonesia
14 Mar 08
I think he's not ready yet to give his full love to a girl. Beside 19 is too young age to know everything about love. Actually I'm 18. I can feel that, actually I can't make sure whether I love him or not. But he always convince me that he so much love and care to me... That's young love, honey. One of you must love another else fully from his heart, and another else, just get confused and trying to love you. I face that kind of love too... Good luck in love!!!
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
I grew up with parents who didn't love each other, never showed affection etc. I was told there was no such thing as love, all my life. I know I love my BF very much, and have only known that for the last 6 months. I think you can love at any age, it is just harder to love at a level where neither of you are done growing up as a person. And some mistake infatuation with love.
@az03r4 (916)
• Indonesia
17 Mar 08
Yeah, that's right... Don't be sad! May you got your boyfriend's really love you, as you're really love him. I'll pray to you... :)
@wisconsin26 (3859)
• United States
17 Mar 08
I am really sorry to hear this...In my oppion I am going to say he has no idea what love is that's for sure.. You don't love a person for a week and than say say you don't... I am sure you know this.. If you are second guessing things than to be honest he's not the one for you.. I can tell you care about him because if you didn't you wouldn't be taking him back after all of this non sense.. From what I read his isn't ready for a relationship, marriage and not even children... You can clearly see that as well.. Maybe you should just step away from him for awhile and see how he does.. I mean date other people but yet be friends with him and see how he reacts to you after a certain amount of time.. If he shows no interested than he never loved you.. It will pretty clear to see that.. If he calls you and talks to you and has some interest than go back and work on that.. Dating isn't a for sure thing unless you find someone that makes you totally happy... And I see he don't and he's not either... Best wishes to you..
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
27 Mar 08
taking the advice of some of the posts, I didn't break up with him, but I backed off emotionally. Told him I was detached, and unhappy, and confused about how he felt about me, and trying to assure me of his feelings, that it meant nothing. I told him that as much as I love him, I could not believe his words when he spoke of love. So we didn't talk for a while, and all of a sudden he showed up, he was there, watching movies, taking me out to dinner, to the movies, bringing coffee, going for a walk (which I always ask to do, and he never seems interested) little things like that. He didn't say once over those three days that he loved me, but i felt like he did, we were laughing, and looking at each other like we used to. On Sunday, he came down again, we were sitting in my basement watching "Fools Gold" when he turned and told me he loved me and that he was sorry.. i didn't cry, which is probably what i would have done before, but his eyes started to get red and watery as he just waited for me to acknowledge him. I wanted to cry, i just answered "now, or always?" he then proceeded to hug me and told me all these things about how stupid he was to have put me through all that, that he was being selfish, and not realizing how lucky he was... etc I am not convinced, a weekend of amazing fun and bliss, doesn't make up for all that hurt. I wanna see if this keeps up.
@mansha (6301)
• India
14 Mar 08
I think at 17 and 19 it is a normal and it is the age to make wrong decisions and then change your mind too. You boyfriend of course does not love you, not the kind of love that should last lifelong. He loves you when he says he does and he is confused about his feelings when he says he does not. Its the age my dear but that does not mean you have to take this from him.My advice would be to make a clean break from him and tell him that he has lost your trust he has to win it back if he loves you. Make one thing very clear in your mind, my girl, your self respect should always come first no matter what. If a guy doesn't respect your feelings now he may never. Every time he is pushing you away he puts you on a roller caster and I don't think any girl should take that kind of treatment lightly.
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
27 Mar 08
Like I stated before, we have gone through so much together, and have battled disease, and horrible pasts. I do not think age has anything to do with this problem. I think men and woman at any age can be confused about love. After all it is just a word. A word that has been used so much that no one really knows what it is, or maybe it is different for every person. I told him I felt detached from him ( I am usually very affectionate and happy) and he understood what I told him when I said that you can't tell me you love me, and take it back. I told him I can not believe he loves me, that the word is tainted, and that I have to feel loved.
@nicolec (2673)
• United States
14 Mar 08
I hate to tell you but this is normal for guys who are a lot older then 19. Love can some times get very confused with lust or just the out pour of emotions. And it seems as if he is trying to experience life and just doesn't know his a$$ from his elbow right now. Which a lot of people go through. Male and female. Only time will tell, is my only answer. I can't tell you if he truley loves you or not because I don't know him. But if he does, he will show you and you will believe him.
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
27 Mar 08
I decided to talk to him recently, I told him I was feeling detached, and on Thursday night after i was done work, instead of going to the bar, he came to my house and surprised my with coffee, we watched movies and he stayed the night. My mom is never home, and my dad lives in Toronto. We then spent all of Friday together because it was good Friday. We went to a movie and had easter dinner on sat. He seemed to be trying really hard to prove to me how he felt, as I had told him, actions speak louder than words. I didn't believe he loved me when he told me, and wanted to feel he did.
• Philippines
14 Mar 08
I went through a similar situation in the past. You see, I was in a 3-year relationship. We've been together since fourth year highschool. That time we were 2nd year college. When we were in highschool, things were simple and we didn't have any fights at all. We were enjoying each other's company. He told me same stuffs the your boyfriend told you. And yes, I believed in it. When we were in college, things got complicated and fights started. At first they were petty and easy to handle. until, our worst fights were because of the simpliest and silliest things. He had more time with his friends. He went out often without me knowing it. He started to ask for space because I was choking him. I gave him the space but he came back to me. It happened thrice. The third time I wasn't up to it already. I figured that I really don't mean anything to him anymore and just have to accept it. The fact is, he misses me at times but it isn't enough to make it work. In the end, I gave up. I gave up believing that he would soon realize my worth and he doesn't deserve me. I realized, too, that he is willing to give up the 3-year relationship just to go in flings and bar hopping. I spared myself from an immature relationship but we all go through it. It just depends on how we take and handle it and if were patient enough to stick and hold on to it.
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
I feel that is something that could possibly happen to us. These last few incidents, I will never allow to happen again, if he tries it on me, then I am done. I can't love anyone who plays games with me, we have been together for too long, experienced a lot for him to take it back. We both have said we are going to make an effort. Staying with me is not making an effort, and I think that is what he is doing, because it is comfortable.
@LouRhi (1502)
• Australia
14 Mar 08
It can be very difficult to fully understand what your heart is saying at such an early age, especially if you have pulled each other through terrible times. As with any relationship communication is the key. Perhaps you should take a small break from each other so that you can both establish what it is that you really want from life. If he is setting a pattern for the rest of your life with the whole today I love you tomorrow I don't you have to ask yourself is this really what you want and deserve? Unfortunately I have never really been in this situation so my advice is slightly limited. I have however been in an abusive relationship and to me you are being abused. You need to stand up for yourself and let him know that this behaviour is not acceptable. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't and if he is not sure then that is as good as not wanting to and you should give him the opportunity to find out what life without you is really like. I really hope that you work out what is best for you, you are still only young and there is a chance he may not be the one for you. No one should have their emotions toyed with the way you are. Good luck with it all
@Courtom (288)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
thank you for your response, hard to hear and hard to acknowledge, but good advice none the less.
@aowaow (1517)
• Indonesia
15 May 08
Amazing. You're unique, my dear. You own the greatest wisdom of what each single man ever dreams off expecting from his woman. The power of giving out "Appreciation" to your man, and you provided for him for the most of time, you faced the huge trunk of his pure masculine side, but yet your emotional never felt overwhelmed. You must be loving him so much. You will grow up as a strong woman who has a reliable personality. Whoever owns you ought to be the most luckiest man on earth, because you had learned the worst since your youth. It won't be a major problem to you anymore, when you had that in your marriage life from your husband. Now it's up to you honey, I understand you had passed those bad years with him. If you want to continue with him, you can "shape" him a bit to understand of what you want. Create more chance for him, there are two major things that matters a man to disappear from the relationship. One is concerning wealth security, that's clear. He may think of future relationship costs him a lot, even more if he's in marriage life. Or he's in shortage of money. But I advise you not to bring this conversation out before he alone mention it out. Two is emotional pressure. He faced an emotional attack from his environment. He has a problem concerning his emotional that needs to be solved, by him alone. We cannot help him out about this one, only he alone can decide when he returns. This nature is almost similar to us, when we faces many problems in a day, then we find someone to talk it out. But for him, he has a different approaching, he needs to settle it away by himself alone (just like he mentions to you, he needs a space). That's why you find a several wax-and-wane condition about his love. In a time, you find out he return with another scenario of love, but other time he disappeared. When he returns innocently, this is where mostly women felt unfair about him. But if you feel this is too heavy, then you may move on. It takes a great sacrifice, I understand, but sometimes making the worst doesn't mean it has a worst result in the future. It depends on you now. Good luck my dear. Decide carefully.
@gxnfly (1147)
• China
15 Mar 08
I 'm kind of share his feelings.I mean,sometime I am confused about love,don't know what's it about. When I was at your age ,I thought I understood what's love is about ,and I know for sure I was in love with someone.I thought love was above everything in my life.I 'd do anything for the one I loved Now I am 24 years old,but I am confused about love.I have a boyfriend,I don't know if I still love him.We have been together 4 or 5 years.It's him who healed me from the tough days ,made me smile ,got over the one who hurt me baddly. I think I am a little bored about us.Sometime times I feel like I need to be alone ,need some space ,focus on the dreams I am seeking,not think about him. There are some advices for you.I think you take care of yourself first,don't let yourself get hurt.Love is not everything in our life,you try to do some things you like so that you can think about your own.If,If ,he don't love you anymore,you might be upset for a while,but not too long.You should get back on your feet ,start a new life. Love come ,love gone,it's common.If love doesn't exist ,just let him go,let yourself go.
• United States
14 Mar 08
I'm not sure he can just be confused like he said and wants to experiment but if he really loves you he wouldnt be able to. If he does it agian i would back off for a while and dont let him try to get back with you, Let him be single and see if thats what both of yall need. I thought i was in love with three differant people before i meet my fiance, which i know this is love b/c its holding true.
• United States
14 Mar 08
I think you need to break up. He wants to experience his "youth". He wants to do the bars, parties, girls, friends thing. There's really nothing wrong with that, a lot of people want it. I think if you stay with him, he will keep doing this until he either totally dumps you, or more likely, cheats on you. He doesn't want to be tied down, but he doesn't want to lose the comfort he's built up with you. And that situation will probably end in him using you. I definitely think you should go your separate ways.
@ayou82 (3460)
• Philippines
14 Mar 08
Wow! if my BF doesnt know why he loves me it is like a slap on the face it is like he have an amnesia or something. I will tell him the reason why i love him but if he doesnt know why then i will think he is just just playing around.