Psychobabble or good sense?

@dawnald (84148)
Shingle Springs, California
March 30, 2008 12:34am CST
My friend with the one sided marriage is in counseling. She's reading these books that are telling her things like 'loving someone is a choice' and 'if you loved them before you can get it back'. Supposedly if both partners get more open lines of communication and stop doing everything that annoys the other one and starts doing things that are important to the other one, things may eventually warm back up again. Friend doesn't believe it, she thinks she's past the point of no return, but is terribly afraid of damaging her kids. Opinions?
4 people like this
6 responses
@Samanthavv (1386)
• United States
30 Mar 08
If she thinks it's past the point of return, then it is. Because that means she's given up. And a relationship can't work if someone in the relationship gives up, because if the other person tries to change and make things work, it means nothing because their partner gave up. Tell her to either try, or to get out of the relationship.
• Canada
30 Mar 08
That's always a difficult situation. Being in a one sided relationship is never good. The children are not stupid in these situations either. Of course that could depend on how young they are. They may grow up to disrespect their mother because she didn't have enough for herself. Many cultures accept this kind of behavior. But in growing societies it just dosen't happen. I myself could not stay in a relationship that wasn't equal. There is no member of the family that is about or below another. Parents are there to work together and help guide their children into their futures. Support themselves as well as the children. It's always easier said then done. I do realize that..but that should be the intention..
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48716)
• United Kingdom
30 Mar 08
This is the Problem we think of the Kids I did that and I suffered We damage the Kids more by staying in a Marriage like that My Daughter is a very strong and straight to the point Person, so she is ok, my Son heard and saw more then I knew and it certainly affected him He would not warm to his Dad or anything, he was mad at his Dad for what his Dad did to me, he is a lot like me and just builds everything up then he blows He is very protective over me so is my Daughter but my Son always says "Mum went through enough, no more. He is now going to try going for counselling as he has a hard time keeping his anger now and also is suffering with depressions at times So it is not always good to stay in a Marriage because of the Kids I regret now doing it but at the time I thought I was doing right, My Son tells me not to blame myself as he knows if I would have known how much he heard and saw I would have got out there and then, but it is still there in me the Blame I suggest that she chats to the Children and finds out how they feel about the Situation I thought to that my Children did not know what was going on and how bad it really it was but my Son did and I never knew
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Mar 08
Good sense definitely. Especially if both partners are committed. But, to be honest, even changing yourself and how you approach and respond to your partner can change the whole dynamic of the relationship. It is very difficult to do, because it usually involves seemingly endless acts of selflessness with little to no positive reinforcement at first. But, I know from personal experience it can be done. She can't do it for the kids, though, she has to do it for herself and for her marriage.
1 person likes this
@bhappy2 (327)
• Australia
30 Mar 08
I think it is good sense for both partners to consciously work together to make things work. They loved each other once so there must have been something that made them love each other. Perhaps they should sit down together and talk about what those things were. I was once told a story about a woman who got married and for the next 20 years she tried to shape her husband into the perfect partner. Finally she asked him for a divorce. When he asked her why she said, "because you are not the man I married". I just think it takes 2 to fight, 2 to make up, 2 to make a successful marriage but only one to destroy it.
@nanayangel (7839)
• Philippines
30 Mar 08
Hi there dawnald! I think that each of has have a different way of handling things and have different tolerance for things. I think that only your friend can really tell what the situation is and I don't think that you can damage your children by pretending that everything's okay more than damaging them by facing the truth and show them that in the future, they wouldn't have to suffer those stuff just because they are worried about what it would cause their children. I know it's a lot easier said than done but I think you have to be a good role model for your children and sometimes, bravery is found not in continually fighting but more in knowing when to give up.