Bipolar and Me

@SomeCowgirl (32273)
United States
April 8, 2008 2:32pm CST
Although I pose this discussion as my own rant I do welcome any and all comments that may come forth from this ramble. My grandmother pulls the trigger to the gun that is my bipolar ways. I dislike her for it, I even hate her for it yet that I word I try not utter unless I am in such a foul mood that I can not help but to do so. She has been the trigger puller for as long as I can remember and even so before I was told that I had bipoalar disorder. The next line that I type may be hard for a few of you to believe, I know if I was the recipient of such knowledge I would be hard fast in disbelief of such. My grandmother does it on purpose. How you might ask? why? Are you sure you might even utter. I am also sure that a few "No, your just an awful person" will have been thought or even uttered across this vast internet. Yes,though, she does. She does it for attention, I believe she does it because she herself is bipolar. It wouldn't be hard to believe, those with knowledge in this field understand that it is not uncommon for it to happen. My grandmother is, in my eyes, a bipolar individual. She has been for many years, and I am almost certain that she has been from her own puberty years. I am not in her grasp any longer but the scars that have been left upon me are just as deep and become deeper every time I remember them. It's hard to forget, and hard to wash away day after day. My family has been torn to ruins because of her antics, although I know that they would be hard fast to actual acknowledge it. On to another subject or side note of a subject that I hope to go onto in this long rant that I have. Words trigger me, memories trigger me, things that remind me of my grandmother will trigger the most ferocious of feelings and I can only cry and act out in a manner that I wish not to ever do. I get scared that people may try to seek help for me, but I know in my heart the only help I need is that of which I can obtain myself. Clarity of mind, the act of allowing my every thought to be cleansed by being put out into the world. Has this helped you? I hope so, because I know it has helped me.
1 person likes this
1 response
@ez1982 (97)
28 Jun 08
I also have been diagnosed as Bipolar recently but now that I know that's what it is, I realise I have been this way since I was about 10 or 11. It also stems from my nan and then my mother and the way you feel about your grandmother is the way I sometimes feel about my mother. Sometimes it hurts more than any other person could understand and in a weird way I'm glad that I've read your post and know that I can totally get what your saying. I hope you're dealing with everything ok since you wrote this. Good luck for the future.
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@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Yes, I have been dealing with it. That one day was just a spurt and I've been dealing with the emotions a lot better now. I hope that you have a good support group for your bipolar, and good luck in the future yourself. Have a Great day.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Aug 08
Hey Some cowgirl I totally get what your saying. I too have bipolar and so does my mom and many family members. It was just recently at group I discovered what setting boundaries were. We need to avoid stress which actually worsens bipolar. And by doing that, we need to say to family members, you know what, that's unacceptable what you did or said to me, and until you can treat me with respect, then I'm not talking to you. I try my best not to get caught up in other peoples drama or my past because I too would break down. I don't know all the answers but I know this is very painful to deal with, I would not wish it on my worse enemy. Good Luck and keep venting girl it does help.:)
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@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
5 Aug 08
I have been venting, and appreciate your response! A recent experience has really taught me a lot! I hope that you are doing well dealing with your own bipolar!
1 person likes this