Help! My 16 year old daughter has a boyfriend!

@bevvy22 (279)
United States
April 30, 2008 7:34pm CST
My daughter has a boyfriend that my husband and I do not particularly care for. When they first started dating he was very respectful and polite with good manners. Now, he has made himself a little too comfortable around the house. He comes over and will get on my husband's XBOX without asking. We still tolerate him for her sake. She now realizes he may not be "the one for her" as all first loves feel. Thank God! Is there a decent yet tactful and effective way rid of this thorn?
7 people like this
14 responses
• India
1 May 08
Forthe sake of your daughter you tolerate.Ok. But let him know that we need to live a dignified life where each one has to respect other's properties, feelings, thinkings ets. Respect for others is must for a human life.
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Sorry it took so long to respond, I moved this past weekend. Anyway, roseidhaya, I agree with your ideas of respect. I will soon fix the problem. Time for a mother lecture.
2 people like this
@Tabby123 (53)
• United States
1 May 08
Just let the kid know that you feel that he is being disrespectful and that if he really cares about your daughter he will get his act together. That is also a good way for your daughter to figure out weather or not she wants to be with him..
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Thanks for the response,Tabby123. I just hope it's not too late. He has now dropped the "I love you, can't live without you, you make me so happy, want to spend the rest of my life with you...." bomb. Of course, all the things every girl wants to hear. There is no doubt she has very strong feelings for him, and I trust her judgement somewhat, that she will decide on her own when to rid of him. She is very adamant about going to college and nursing school, and no-one or nothing will stop her from doing that. THANK GOD!
2 people like this
@buldwgz (1483)
• United States
1 May 08
Not a whole lot you can do, Bevvy22, except make sure that he, and she, respect you and your home all the time. He doesn't have to come over there if you don't want him too. Make sure that you have rules and that they abide by them. I am sure your daughter will tire of his behavior and dump his sorry a@!.
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Sorry it took so long to respond, but I've been moving this past weekend. Some people had to work and didn't have to move a thing. But you are correct and I know it. I guess I just want my daughter to be able to tell me everything and confide in me. I never had that with my parents. I was closer to my mother and could tell her most things, but not like I wanted to or needed to tell her. I'm guilty! I've allowed them to get too comfortable around the house and I hope there's still a chance to fix it. I hope and pray my marriage is not affected by this. It's just that "tough love" has never been easy for me.
2 people like this
@sedel1027 (17868)
• United States
1 May 08
You are better off letting this run its course unless you think your daughter is being abused.
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Sorry it took so long to respond, I just moved last weekend. Maybe so, sedel1027. She is trustworthy somewhat. She does tell me everything. But she is also very strong willed. If he ever hit her, she would probably kill him. She can hold her own. But on the other hand, she doesn't wear make-up because he forbids it. We'll see what happens. I'm riding low but watching every move. Thanks for the input.
2 people like this
• United States
1 May 08
just tell her what u have have put on mylot. and it even make it easier for her to break up with him. tell her the truth, it might make you and ur husband feel better.
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
1 May 08
Thanks for responding blueangel_7298. We are very open with her and she knows how we feel. We could try making a little more difficult for them to be together without making her rebel.
2 people like this
@qdietz (244)
• United States
1 May 08
parental control :P to be serious, you probably want to talk to your daughter about the way he is acting and how you guys dont appreciate it. She will probably tell him what you guys are saying and well, he should start behaving better as we know that he can be polite with good manners. for how long has he been going to your house?? I have been going to my girlfriend's (I just turned 17 yesterday and she is still 16) house for quite a while and am still really uncomfortable (I think its not good that I'm too uncomfortable, lol). Back to the subject, tell your daughter how you feel or else you are going to have to talk to the thorn himself. Good luck to you and your daughter!
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
1 May 08
Well qdietz, my daughter has been seeing this boy for 8 months. She actually doesn't tell him everything because she doesn't want there to be a conflict. She knows how we feel. But just like I was when I was 16, my parents don't know any better. Believe me, my husband won't mind talking to the thorn himself. We are just running out of patience and know she can do so much better. All we can do is keep our fingers crossed and guide her in the right direction. Forcing her to break up with him would only cause her to rebel and end up on the street. Thanks so much for your insight. I'm glad to hear from someone your age.
2 people like this
@emeraldisle (13158)
• United States
1 May 08
It's going to be up to your daughter to get rid of him completely. You can let her know how you feel on the situation but it will be up to her to get rid of him. If you try to it will more then likely make her want to be with him longer. I would suggest though you let her and him know what behavior you find acceptable in your home. What you won't tolerate and what you will. Nip the stuff in the bud of how comfortable he is getting in your home and life. Don't tolerate it just for her sake. If he finds he can't get away with such things he might not want to hang around as much.
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Thanks for the respone, emeraldisle. Sorry it took so long to respond, I just moved this past weekend. Anyway, I have spoken with her and she knows how we feel. My husband has just about ran out of patience with the whole situation, and now It's up to me to fix this. I've allowed it to go on too long. Too late for bud nipping now.
2 people like this
@emeraldisle (13158)
• United States
12 May 08
Not a problem. I do know how life off the computer happens and often takes precedent even if we don't want it to. I wish you luck with this and by the sound of it you are going to need it. Since bud nipping is out it's time to get out the big loppers and just cut him off at the knees . Sit him and your daughter down and let them both know how you and that enough is enough. That might send him running for the hills.
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
26 May 08
Most recent update, emeraldisle; he recently got furious with us(my husband and me) because we would not allow her to spend the night at his house even with his parents home. He stormed out of the house, squeeled hsi tires while she was running after him down the driveway. He never did stop. He got home and wouldn't answer the phone. Finally she spoke with him and he told her "it was f-ing over because of your parents". I thought it was the happiest day of my life. Until the next day, he apologized to her and fixed her a nice dinner and wrote her a mushy letter(the 1st one he's ever written her in alomost 9 months of going out.) Of course, she took him back. But the ball seems to be in her court now, and I feel she wont' take any more crap from him. I drilled it in her head how much of a controlling a** he was and shame on her if it happens a second time. Thanks for your comments that I much needed to hear. Her father and I have reached the end of our ropes and will turn to the police for a possible restraining order if need be. I can keep you posted on the outcome. Thanks again....
1 person likes this
@cjgrooms (4457)
• United States
1 May 08
Your daughter could tell him that although she likes him as a friend that maybe they shouldn't see so much of each other. If tact dosen't work "GET LOST" might.
1 person likes this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Unfortunately, she "loves" this guy, and "momma doesn't know any better." So the tactful way of "get lost" is great, but that may cause more damage. I feel I have to be very careful in every word I say and every move I make. Thanks for the input.
2 people like this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
26 May 08
My daughter is almost 17. So the torture is hopefully almost over. She does at least really want to go to nursing school after she graduates. I just can't wait until her "grown up" stage arrives. I will take only 1 day at a time. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12852)
• Australia
1 May 08
well, i will definitely have a serious talk with my daughter and tell her the reasons why i dislike her bf... his behaviour is strictly intolerable and i will never allowed anybody without good manner or respect to enter my house... if she wants to continue her relationship, it is OK... but not at my house... they can do it somewhere else and i will tell her firmly that she has to bear the consequences in the future if she doesn't want to listen to me... good luck and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Thanks for your input, lingli_78. You and my husband share the same views. However, Im the tolerant and patient parent, and I handle things much differently. Which has burned me several times. The only arguments we have are usually because of her. I was able to tell my mother most things but not everything. My father was a minister, so much like you and my husband, his ideas of respecting his house and what goes on in it, is imperative. I guess I want my daughter and I to have a similiar relationship like I did with my mother. Thankfully, she knows she can come to me about anything, but I feel she has taken advantage of my understanding. Now I have to show tough love and that is very difficult for me to do.
1 person likes this
@katisaurus (1038)
• Canada
1 May 08
Best way to get rid of him is to have your daughter tell him she doesn't wanna be with him anymore. Easy, honest and decent. Nothing better than the truth? I'm like that at my boyfriend's, I mean I wouldn't take something of someone elses without asking, but I'm comfortable like that in his house. But like I said, the easiest way to get rid of him is to have her tell him she doesn't have feelings for him anymore.
1 person likes this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Unfortunately katisaurus, he has dropped the "I love you, can't live without you, you make me so happy" BOMB on her recently. She has very strong feelings for him and says she loves him. I'm not doubting that. It does feel good when someone you care about tells you those things. I trust she will rid of him in her own time. She is very strong willed and tell him when she's ready.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 May 08
Since she is losing interest in him all you need is to be patient. One day she'll just rid of him like an old pair of sneakers. If he's that irritating she'll toss him within a week.
1 person likes this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
AHH the P word. Yes, patience is something my husband has ran out of. I'm a very tolerant and patient person. So, I've got to hold it together for the both of us, or there may be a missing person. Just kidding! Seriously though, she is very strong willed, thankfully. She will rid of him in her own time. I've got to trust her and her judgement.
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3684)
• United States
1 May 08
I think that perhaps your daughter (as it is her boyfriend) should just tell him that her feelings have changed and she doesnt feel the same way that she did. She may point out that she wishes to still be friends (if indeed she does), but that that is the extent of what she would feel comfortable with. This is the age where they are learning to deal with life as a young adult. I believe that you and your husband should be willing and available if needed, but by dealing with it herself, it will make her a stronger person.
1 person likes this
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
9 May 08
Thanks so much for your insight, jer31558. I feel the same way that she should deal with this on her own, but she doesn't want to get rid of the problem right now. Wow, this whole bringing up teenagers, a beautiful daughter no less, is really hard and trying on my faith and beliefs. I was raised with very strict parents. My father was a minister and need I say more?? I was the youngest of four and I was the black sheep. But I never got away with things kids do today.
2 people like this
@ifnalife (323)
• Indonesia
26 May 08
I am sure and guaranty that your daughter more love you than that first boyfriend, i think she will listen to you if you decided to pull him out just a little bit. I just don't know why you let him in to the house. Can't imagine when you and your husband are not home.. what would happen? He will enter your bed room, may be? My parents won't let my boy friend into the house. Just the porch and me and my boyfriend sitting there for hours.
@bevvy22 (279)
• United States
30 May 08
Thanks for your questions, ifnalife. But I am very aware of what goes on when we are not home. She tends to forget that I was once 16 and wild hormones too. We do have rules regarding this. She's pretty good at following them. Besides, her younger brother(my son), rats her out everytime.
@singout (980)
• United States
11 Aug 08
Ask him to do some work around the house. If he is like most boys of his age, he soon will get the hint. If he doesn't get the hint and does the work, then he is either not so bad, or you have a built in house-boy. If he doesn't do the work and still doesn't get the hint, ask your daughter to clean up after him when he leaves a wrapper or something like that lying around. Maybe then she will see him for what he really is. I wish I had thought to try that with some of my two daughters boyfriends.