do you think im a bad mom? i need advice on how to deal with my situation
By angepange
@angepange (123)
Australia
May 23, 2008 5:08pm CST
to cut along story short. my last 6 months has been crazy. firstly i left the father of my kids, which was the biggest decision of my life, and the best might i add. then my youngest daughter who is 2 became ill, she still is, so we have been in and out of hospital for tests and treatments etc..
i have another daughter who is 3 and she has been jealous of the hospital stays i spend with my youngest daughter and just having a sick sibling seems to be putting the pressure on her. i am trying so hard to be a good mum to both of them but when your child is sick, you have to be there for them. my parents and sister have been minding her for me, but she knows shes been missing out with me.
its been over a week since we have all been home together and the older well one has been very naughty. ive been letting her get away with stuff cause im feeling guilty. so now im trying to correct that before i lose total control of my kids. but when they are naughty we get cranky right?
so last night my heart was ripped from my chest!
my daughter woke up crying at 3am, she was so upset. when i asked whats wrong, she said i make her sad. :-( how can this be, i asked why and she said cause i get cranky and im not happy with her. i am happy with her, i love her to bits. it tears my heart out that she thinks i dont, i know shes too young to comprehend any of whats going on with everything, but how can i fix this. i dont want to be a mean mum but i dont think letting bad behaviour slide is going to help is it? or is it?
i am so stressed with all thats going on lately but i need advice please. if you have been through the same thing when you grew up or you have a sick child, how your family deals with it to keep everyone feeling special and loved 24/7.
i want to be the perfect mother but is there such a thing?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@teka44 (3420)
• Brazil
23 May 08
Hi angepange. Of course you need to correct your kids when they do something wrong. You are not a bad mother doing this because you are doing well. Try to explain for the older that both need to care about the younger that is sick. Try to make the older understand that you love her so much and if she bacome sick too you will care about her the same way you are doing now with the younger. And make sure that both understand that make wrong things is not allowed no matter you love them. Try to deal with both the same way, try to don't make difference between both since I think that is very important to don't make one think that you love more the other.
I wish you the best luck my friend.
@teka44 (3420)
• Brazil
24 May 08
I know that is not easy, but put it in easy words the way a child with 3 can understand. Example: say that your younger is sick and need that you and she care her and she become a little nurse. It will be a game for her. Every time you kiss the younger kiss the other too and say this kiss is for....and this is for....since I love you two the same way. Sometimes you can give a funny kiss like with noise or something like this and say now is your time and give a kiss in each one. It becomes a joke and children understand it and like it. You need to play with the two no matter you are have bad times because they can't understand serious things every time. I have a daughter too and I know that isn't easy to do the right thing every time but we need to do because before all we are mothers.
hugs my dear
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
28 May 08
Children handle these things better than we think they do and you must be very firm with her. Even though she is only 3 explain to her that her sister is sick and that she needs a lot of your time and that one day she will be better and you will be able to spend more time with her. You might even promise her something that she would like........to watch her favorite movie with popcorn, to take her to her favorite fast food restaurant, or some other thing she would be happy with if she would be good while you are dealing with her sister. Even better you might somehow try to make her a part of what is going on with her sister so she isn't completely left out of what is going on. At the same time she will be learning to help others and to help take care of her sister. I do NOT think that you are a bad mom since you are doing what you need to do to see that your baby is taken care of. Your girls will be fine and will remember your loving care.
@angepange (123)
• Australia
28 May 08
hi. thankyou for your ideas. we all went to hospital together today and my eldest was great at helping with B when she was crying. they are such good sisters. awwww. i love em to bits!
@Spacelady (29)
• Hamburg, Germany
23 May 08
I see nothing you could feel guilty of and you are a good mother. Your daughter is jealous and wants your attention, and she knows exactly what she is doing, when she is misbehaving.
I think it is possible to explain to her very well, what it means to be ill. You can do this, and her Grandparents can teach her to be nice to her poor mum, cause you are having such a hard time now, and she must not make it harder.
I hope she normally loves her little sister and learns to worry about her a bit, she does not need to be spared that, because children at this age understand a lot more already than one should think.
So, head up, don't make your life harder by feeling guilty, or by wanting to be a perfect mother - I don't think there is such a thing. I am sure you do your best, and there is nothing else you can do. You must take more time for the ill child.
You could explain your older daughter, if she was ill, you would do the same for her, and ask her, if she would like to be ill, hurting all over, getting injections and what other scary things (which I hope is not really the case with the little one.)
I hope your younger daughter gets well soon.
@angepange (123)
• Australia
24 May 08
hi there. thanks for your input, i will take it on board and try explaining whats going on to her, she probably will grasp whats happening. now just how to put it to a 3 year old. hmmm... any ideas
@only1shi (404)
• United States
27 May 08
i think that the best thing that you can do for your children is to teach them right from wrong- even when its not the easy choice. i believe that at three, your daughter is still to young to really grasp what is going on with your younger daughter, but i may make her feel better if she got to talk with the doctors. or stay in the waiting room with you. i think that it would also give your girls time to bond with each other and your daughter won't have to be without you. i know this might not be easy, but this might help her to be more compassionate.
@angepange (123)
• Australia
28 May 08
hi there. thanks for your response. i know its important to remember to teach the right from wrong. its just hard sometimes. especially without a man in the house to help me. i have to be the mum and the dad. scarey thought. but yes, you are right. we all went to hospital together today and it worked really well. my daughters supported eachother, they are so strong.
@Kierstal (142)
• United States
24 May 08
If you haven't already, you should sit down with your 3 year old and talk to her about what's happening and why you need to be away. It's totally natural that she would feel this way, siblings always have rivalry issues and I think your 3 year old thinks that you are playing favorites, and she needs to feel special, too. When I was little, I always hated that everything the adults did went over my head, especially when those things concerned me. It made me feel like I wasn't important.
I myself have two younger brothers and we're all about a year and a half apart. Both I and my youngest brother were sick when we were about the same age as your daughters, and my mother spent all her time with my brother and none with me, and it made me feel awful, mostly because I didn't understand.
You may think she's too young to comprehend what's going on, but she understands more than you might think. My suggestion would be to sit down with her and try your best to explain how *you* feel, and ask her if she's worried about her sister, and try to let her know that you love both girls equally, even though you may have to spend more time with one or the other. Maybe promise that when your 2 year old gets better, you'll take your 3 year old out for something special, just you and her. Doesn't have to be anything more complicated or expensive than the two of you going to get ice cream or dinner at Friendly's or something.
Have you taken her with you to visit your younger daughter? If not, I suggest doing that too if it's possible. Seeing her sister in the hospital might do a lot to change your 3 year old's mind. However if all else fails, it may be something that you just need to stick it out through. She WILL get over it, and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent; all kids have incorrigible moments.
@angepange (123)
• Australia
28 May 08
hi and thankyou for your ideas. we were actually at the hospital again today and my eldest was there every step of the way. she enjoyed being a part of the doctors visits and she liked to talk to her sister while she was getting needles. it was so cute , she was looking after her little sister. she was even worried about her and kept saying it was ok. i am so proud of both my girls and their strength. i agree, when i can, both my daughters will be there at hospital. thanks again :-)
