Give me jokes and get plus rating

flight--- We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie ("Hands off my chutney") will not be shown, as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying alongside Singapore Airlines, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

A man said to a friend that he will never marry in his life and will give the same thoughts to my children also.

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body." The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : 'How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it, 'Sorry , I could not make it .' 'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.

Ok, here is a one :- With Good Claus ! :- Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Well my life is a joke,is it funny?

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) there was plenty of heat; and 3) it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: "Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Two men started in a bar and then had a couple of drinks together. "Look", said one,"I want to treat you now, but I`ve no more money with me. I`ll just go back to my flat and gets some from my wife. Why don`t you amoe along. "Sure",said the other. The mans flat was just a few steps away, and they went up to the first floor. Inside it in full view, doors wide open` the man`s wife was in bed with another man. The acquaintance from the bar was shocked and embarrased, but the husband kept his cool. "Got some money?" he asked his wife. "Sure. Look in my purse. It`s over there on dresser." The husband did, found some, and motioning to his new friend led the way out back to the pub. "Two more of the same." He asked to the barkeeper. The second man was too amazed by what he`d seen to say a word. Finally he asked, "But what about the man in the bed?" "Oh, he can buy his own drink." said the husband

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."