Should I stay or go?

United States
July 14, 2008 4:55pm CST
I need some advice. I think I know what to do already but I am not 100% sure. ok. I have been dating this guy for almost 3 years now and he is a good guy. He doesnt drink or smoke and he is excellent with my son. The problem is that when we first moved in together, he was always at home. Now it seems like he is never there. I am not worrying about him cheating because he calls me all of the time and no matter what time I call him he always answers the phone and tells me he loves me. I am lonely. I am not happy about him being gone all of the time. I have talked to him about this and he says that we dont have to conquer Rome in a day. He coaches little league baseball during the week and after that he usually hangs out at the park all night with his friends. I admint....I have drove by and spied on him without him knowing and he is just hanging with his friends. He is really into sports so at home all he does is watch sports. He is a night owl and I am a morning person so we dont go to bed together and he sleeps until 1 in the afternoon and then goes to coach baseball. In the winter he is into the tv because football is on and his friends are always over so its like we never have time alone. I feel like I shouldnt have to ask him to spend time with me you know? Either he loves me or he doesnt. I tried to leave him one time and he started crying. I never saw him cry before but I am miserable. It is like I am living by myslef anyway. He called me at work today saying that maybe I should move in with my dad to save up some money and he stays in the house that we live in and move his cousin in the house to offset some of the costs so that way he wont have to see me depressed everytime he leaves. I got upset because if I dont see him now and I live with him, I know that I wont see him for sure if I move out. He stressed to me many times that he doesnt want us to break up but he needs some time to get himself together. I mean he is 32 for crying out loud. He should have his stuff in order already. If I move, I know that I am not going to come back but I do love him. He is a sweetheart when we are together but he is living a lifestyle of a single guy right now and that isnt what I want or need. I really dont want to have to date again because I hate it but it has been 3 years and no changes. What do you guys think? Please HELP!!!! I am confused! Thanks!
14 responses
@monaliu (344)
15 Jul 08
Try to build your relationship tightly and try to find some common interesting.Find some good thing for yourself to do alone.I suggest you don't make your idea when you lose yourself.Try to let yourself clam and then find a good way to face all the problems. e.g. give him more time and more space,don't treat him like your husband.I think you just need time and space.Try to conquer it soon but don't force yourself to solve all the problem one time. good luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Jul 08
What is so funny is that I like sports. I even play basketball and work for a sports channel but that isnt the only time that I want to be able to spend with him. I shouldnt be living with someone who is gone when I get home from work and I dont see them until I do my midnight run to the bathroom. How much more space does he need. On Friday and Saturday he stays out until 5 am playing poker. On Sunday he is at the park all day. Monday through Friday he is at the park from 5 until 11 pm so it is like I never see him. I have other interests but that doesnt take away from the fact that he is an interest that I cant spend time with. I am not trying to take him away from what he loves. I am just asking maybe one night a week can I be a priority? I dont think it is too much to ask and honestly, I shouldnt have to ask! Thank you so much for your advice!
@monaliu (344)
16 Jul 08
Don't judge his thinking use your thinking. I aways tell myself this sentence. Could you know what's for? I always try to know more about my boyfriend, I think his thinking is out of thinking.He just do everything as he like or never think about me,I can't see him even when I get bad illness. He hurt me deeply ,but he tell me :"Don't judge his thinking use my brain." Yes,I know he is in high pressure right now and he always think how to deal with his job good.So... How about you? Try to let yours tell you what was happen or what can you do for him? Chat with him and try to solve the problem together. good luck!
1 person likes this
@tivonshi (110)
• China
15 Jul 08
Hi ibcandy2, I'm so sorry for this situation. Maybe I think,he is not used to having a family. He had been single before you know each other? You should talk with him and tell him what are you thinking about directly. And if he deny or not change any, you have to leave him for period. It seems like he loves you,but he don't know how to express his love. Anyway,I hope you can live together and have good time everyday. Thanks.
• United States
15 Jul 08
He should be used to having a family. He has never lived alone whether it be with a girlfriend, or his daughters mother or with his family. He had just gotten out of a relationship a few months before we got together. I guess I just dont understand that if he didnt want a relationship, why would he pursue me because I definitely wasnt interested in him at first but he kept being persistent and won me over. Why go thru all of that if he didnt want a relationship? I just dont get it. I have had several talks with him and he just doesnt think that he is doing anything wrong so I give up. I need to do whatever it will take to make me happy even if that includes leaving him. Thanks for responding to my discussion!
@tivonshi (110)
• China
15 Jul 08
Leaving him can make you happy? I don't think so. It'll be helpful that you find something interesting. Do you have any hobby? If you just stay at home and think about him all day,you would be very sad all day.So,go out and have fun.make new friends,talk with them,shift your attention. I hope you have nice day~~~~~
@relundad (2311)
• United States
14 Jul 08
Sounds pretty simple to me. He is who he is and you don't like it. He probally tried to adjust to your likings in the beginning. All new relationships start out like that, you give them what they want so to speak. But eventually the real person steps up. The real person you don't like and you never will. The "other" person he doesn't like and he never will. You also view your relationship differently than he does. You look at it like your are living basically as a married couple and he views you as a live-in gf or room-mate. As a result of you think that he should live a certain way. Now he is basically telling you that if you don't like the situation you can leave and he can get another room-mate. We as woman expect that men will live there lives differently because they have a girlfriend or mate, and most times it just doesn't happen. Or not for long anyway. Either you can live with this or you can't.
• United States
15 Jul 08
It sounds simple that is for sure. One of my friends told me that I am not in love, that I am just attached. Honestly, I have always been the one if I see drama then I will leave but I made some stupid financial decisions while with him and I know I couldnt handle on my own. For example, I have 2 cars in my name but if I try to trade even one of them in, I am upside down on my trade. I cant afford 2 car notes and putting a car in his name isnt an option because he doesnt make enough monthly to qualify for a loan so I am stuck. I dont know a way out of this mess but I knew I was unhappy and that pretty much figured that I would leave at some point so I set up a savings account that he knows nothing about a while ago. I will have to figure out something for sure. I need to start my life you know? Thanks for your advice!
@relundad (2311)
• United States
15 Jul 08
Been there and done that! But you can work your way out of the financial part of it. But you have to be diligent and disciplined. That part you have control over. Make a plan and stick to it. Just don't be clouded by the few times in between that it seems he is on board with you. The "real" person will always be around. Just work on getting your act together and moving on with life. And not only that but the lesson has been taught now and guess what you probally wont make it again. Good luck and it will work out, hopefully sooner than later.
@Trace86 (5034)
• United States
14 Jul 08
Sweetie, you know what you need to do. You need to move back in with your dad. He told you to. You will save money and he may decide he misses you terribly when you aren't there all the time. If you aren't available all the time, he will realize what he had. Don't be too available all the time if you move into your dad's. Go out with your friends or just don't answer your cell all the time. Let him think you are moving on and having fun without him. As you said, he is 32 and should have his stuff together by now. If he doesn't, he never will. It will drive him crazy and he will kick his cousin out and beg you to move back in!
@momiecat (997)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I agree with Trace. You may think you will be unhappy without him but you are unhappy now anyway. I have been through a relationship like this and mine was cheating. Trust your gut feelings. Most importantly, do not fool yourself into thinking it will change after marriage; it doesn't.
• United States
15 Jul 08
You are both right. I do know what I need to do. I just feel like I am stuck right now because we have a lot of financial ties together that I know I wouldnt be able to handle on my own, or atleast right now anyway. I feel so stupid. I am just such a giving and caring person that I allowed myself to get into this position. I am concerned about my son too. This will be the 2nd father that he has lost. It is horrible being a single mother and dating. I appreciate your words of wisdom.
@Jade13 (262)
• Malaysia
15 Jul 08
relationship needs maintenance..obviously he's not doing much of the maintenance job. 3 yrs without changes..I don't think its a very good sign here...
• United States
15 Jul 08
I know. It is a bad sign written in plain english that I didnt want to read but I knew it was there. I read the sign now and I know it is time for me to leave. You try to give people chances and time to make adjustments and when you see small changes being made you give them more time because you are thinking well they are making some changes. Unfortunately, all of the little changes arent enough to maintan our relationship and I need to realize that. I guess the good people really do finish last!!!! That sucks!!!!
@shilpa_p (198)
• India
15 Jul 08
I think you need to take it one at a time.Don't make hasty,short term decisions that you will regret later.Right now,first and foremost i think you need to move out.A little time away will be good for both of you'll.You can think straight and he may get a chance to think things over too.After that whatever it turns out to be-whether you return or not,it will be for the best.I for one don't like the thought of him making excuses to keeping you happy.I do realise guys need time alone but in his case,theres too much time being spent away.I think after moving out you can tell him that you would appreciate it if you gave him more time and that you need him to be around more often.If he agrees to it,i suggest you give hin another chance or then i would really like to advise you to end it.Even if he retorts.Its a 2 way street.There has to be contribution both ways and from both sides-not just from you.So either he wants it enough to act on it or he just doesn't want it.Good luck!
• United States
15 Jul 08
You are right. I do need to move out. Honestly, I should have moved out a long time ago but I wanted my son to have a dad and I thought I was in love. I do love him but I am not in love with him, I am just attached. I know if I leave, I am not going back. It shouldnt have to get to that extreme for him to appreciate me. I deserve better and I know it but we also have alot of financial ties together that I need to resolve first before I leave because they are in my name so I am going to hang in there a few months and get everything squared away and then leave. I am so frustrated right now, I dont think I will have a problem leaving. Who would have thought that such a simple request such as spending a little time together would destroy a relationship? How silly of me!!!! Thanks for your wisdom! I do appreciate it!
15 Jul 08
I feel you should leave his house and go back to your Dad. If he loves you then he will come back or he was never meant for you.I would have suggested you to speak to him once regarding what you feel of being left alone, but you have already done this and there is no change. The person should realize that you are important to him and some time together is always needed but seems things aren't working out that way. Wish you All The Very Best.
• United States
15 Jul 08
Thank you so much. Who would have thought that wanting to spend a little time with your significant other would lead to the dissolve of a relationship???!!!???
@salonga (28020)
• Philippines
15 Jul 08
Well, only you can really say what you want in your life. But if I were in your shoes, I will leave the guy forever. I can't live with a man who loves something else more than me. You see, I think he does not deserve any woman in his life because he is already married to his sports which seems to be his one and only passion. He needs you only for the sake of having someone he could call his partner and that's it. I mean a couple needs togetherness, sharing, cuddling and loving and even sometimes fighting to know each other better and for their love to grow. Being a woman myself, I understand your situation very well. A woman needs to feel the love not just in words but in action. A woman longs for romantic moments and feels elated if given the utmost importance by her loved one. No woman could ever be happy with the kind of set-up you had with your man. If you are willing to sacrifice then go on with the relationship but if you want changes then quit and let God give you another man truly deserving of your love.
• United States
15 Jul 08
I agree that leaving him forever is the smart thing to do. If I didnt have my son and all these financial ties with him, I think I would have left a long time ago. It is very painful to live with someone who says that they love you but everything comes before you. Going on with this relationship will only bring me more heartache and frustration and I am tired you know? I appreciate your words and I will definitely start to pursue my own happiness in another place and I will let God direct my life because I know he wont lead me the wrong way!
@jvyyuie (83)
• China
15 Jul 08
i thinkyou should move on and find someone who shares your beliefs.... personally i agree with you it makes for better current relationships which are the only important ones anyway....
• United States
15 Jul 08
I think that you are 100% right. There are slim pickings out there so I think I am just going to be in pursuit of myself and my son for a while....I am tired of people taking advantage of my kindness.......
• United States
15 Jul 08
Any thirty-two year old man living the lifestyle of a single person is not going to change very soon. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves you and that you are very special to him, but he's just a little boy at heart and he may never be a real provider or future husband material. My boyfriend is the SAME way (only with video games and anime). I could write up a nice list of things to explain why he's still living the lifestyle of a single 18 year old boy, despite being 23 and living on his own with a 45k salary a year. But since he's only 23 I'm giving him a little more time to shake off his immaturity because just like how I think your situation is, I think he truly does love me. If you are miserable and don't want that in your life, you will have to leave him because since he is all ready 32 he is not about to change now. If you love him and want to deal with it, then you will have to be prepared for doing that too.
• United States
15 Jul 08
I know that it isnt going to change. We spoke last night and I told him that he put me in a compromising position because I love him but he is the exact type of person that I never wanted to date. This morning I think I decided that I dont even love him.....well I mean I love him but I am not in love with him and that is important. Your boyfriend is still young so giving him a little time to get that out of his system is good but dont wait too long. My boyfriend was really into sports in his early 20's too and he still is .....12 years later so be careful with that!!!!!
@Browisn (782)
• United States
14 Jul 08
I've got a bad feeling about this one. I don't think it is gonna get any better. He has been having it his way for three years and now, when he feels like he may be restricted he is ready to leave the relationship. Therefore, I don't think he was ever really interested in being a family man. Unless, you think you can be happy with this type of relationship you need to give him the ultimatum, and stick to it. Yes, that means you need to accept that his response may not be what you wanted to hear. Good Luck
• United States
15 Jul 08
I have a bad feeling too. I mean he has turned into the exact kind of man that I have always tried to avoid. What is funny is that he has a 5 year old daughter but he barely spends time with her. She comes over every other weekend and he sees her maybe an hour out of the whole weekend. Its kind of sad. I know what I need to do. I am not happy but I do deserve to be. THanks for your advice!
@msedge (4012)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I think he is still not ready for any responsibilities and still enjoy life being single.In other words he don't want to settle down yet.This set up is really bothering you but its just fine with him because he don't want to commit.I would suggest that you would give space for each other and have him realize what is life without you.If he loves you then i think he would decide to change and be with you and take his responsibilities as your man.If not then i guess you should move on and be happy with your life.I believe Mr.Right will come to you at the right time.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I hate to say it but I don't think this guy is gonna change. Some guys just don't grow up. Some like to be little boys most of their adult life and spend all time playing with their friends. Its good to have friends, but it seems obvious he is putting them first rather than you, which doesn't make a relationship does it? If you want a permanent relationship I think you are going to have to look elsewhere, because from what you've posted I don't think this one is it.
@snowbitz (487)
• Philippines
15 Jul 08
I think you need to move out.But if you still love him and he doesn't want to break up with you there should be changes i think both of you if you did not do it yet.Both of you should sit down and talk about the situation.I also experience the same situation with you my husband acts like he is not married he drinks.I always told him to stop so what i did was you might find it silly but i will say it anyway because you might find some good idea about it.What i did was drink alone he never saw me drink and i never drink so when he went home he said hid piece he was sorry because he is drunk and i answered him it's okay because i am also drunk.When he woke up the following day i was surprise because he lay still in the bed and say that i would have never done that if he has been a good husband then he slowly change for the better.I got the man i really deserve i think what i am trying to say is sometimes you need to bit them in there own game