Too many fights, I can't do this anymore

@klaudine (3650)
Indonesia
September 14, 2008 12:00pm CST
Hi myLotters! I just want to share, and if you want to drop some comments, you are very welcomed. Lately my relationship became so hard to handle. Situation got out of hand and I don't know what to do. Everyday is just another fight. Everyday, every word is just another way to start a quarrel. I've been with my partner for 2 years for now, but it seem that instead of getting closer, we are seem so far apart. I really don't know what do do. The problem is getting harder because lately we are caught in trouble, the stress the depression made us become so much more oversensitive and get angry easily. To be honest, it wasn't me that not willing to try to get through it, but after weeks of non stop fight, I think I am tired of this all. I am tired and I really want to let loose and let go. Am I wrong? Or it was me who is a quitter? I just want to live a peaceful life. I know life would be different and it would be very painful, but I was thinking about the peacefulness I would get without these fights without this bad words and quarrel. And broken heart. Why one relationship could be so hard to handle?
4 people like this
13 responses
@ngaspero (851)
• Italy
15 Sep 08
Hi Klaudine, my opinion is that you both need a break, take a pause, 2 weeks, 1 mounth, that both ca use to think about your relationship, but it must be a really break without see eachother, and then after this time talk toghether and see if something change..if not it means that the relationship is over, but ofter after this breakes the things resolve them...think about Nun
1 person likes this
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Hi Nun! It's been so long since our last discussion about your country :) I still remember you :) I think you're also right. Taking some distance would be good, and that was exactly what I am doing now. Instead of thinking about her, or call her, or talk to her, I use my time for something enlightening for myself.. or something that would be good for me like making money here in myLot LOL. I tried not to be stressful, because that is the only way I can still use my logic to see this problem. Thank you for your thoughtful response, I really appreciate it :)
@ngaspero (851)
• Italy
15 Sep 08
You welcome Klaudine, you'll see that the best think to do, and after this period may be the thinks are going good again or may be not, but at least you maded you decision without pression... :) Nun
• Sri Lanka
15 Sep 08
Relationships are between two or more people. No two people in the world are same. Some differences make conflicts. There are some difference make it build even a stronger relationship. When mutual understanding is not there all the fights begin. What ever uttered by the other is caused for another fight. In your case, why don't you think and try to find the root cause. Just see whehter you can treat it. In order to bring peace, at least one of you will have to surrender to a certain extent. You must try to keep your relationship untill the last possible moment. Kindly think of surrendering if he is not doing it at least for now. Stop talking to him for sometime so that there will not be fights. When you do that may be he will calm down and come to you. If you think a bit you can find who is wrong. May be both are wrong but there should be somebody who has more in his or her account. These fuights may not last forever. There might be still something there with you two to be together. Find it out and build peace. You can do it.
1 person likes this
• Sri Lanka
15 Sep 08
All the best for you. Use your intellect and you can come out of this.
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
That is what I am doing for now. Silently. I am trying to find out the real problem of the relationship. Why are we always fighting and why are we always have this disagreement between us. I would really like to know and I would really like to understand. I know I should fight and struggle until the end, but somehow I think it wasn't me alone that should fight for this. It should be both of us.
@lrglara (1334)
• Philippines
14 Sep 08
What you're feeling is totally normal... its not that your quitting, you just want to avoid anymore arguments and you're right, stress does contribute to that. i know that everything may spark an argument but you really have to talk to your partner. if he's not willing to give it a rest, try to keep your distance but let him know that you're still there to support. its not nice to end the relationship just like that. try to work things out first. if you still think that everythings not working, its totally up to you to decide. Just pray and things will work out if you really love each other. try not to comment on his behavior. like i said, keep your distance for a while. he will eventually open up especially if they feel you're there to support him.
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
14 Sep 08
The problem with the stress is that every time I tried to keep a distance, then they're started to think bad about things, accusing me to do something behind and all, which in the end would spark another fight. I am glad that you understand my position, which I am tired of getting into a deeper problem. I would like to take a break for a while, maybe a vacation far away from here. I was thinking about taking all my money that I have saved and go far far away from here and never come back. Oh such a thought
@lrglara (1334)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
i know that its going to bother you but if he starts to get paranoid, just keep quiet. he will eventually realize what he has done. if you really think that taking a vacation will make you feel refresh and relaxed then do so. arguments like that will never be resolved until one gives in. i still think you should think about everything.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
15 Sep 08
i am so sorry for your sadness. taking a break would be my first suggestion. fighting all the time is so depressing. and none of the problems seem to get resolved. it's just playing the same record over and over and over. was the last straw the constant fighting, his ..."not willing to get through it.", or seeing no light at the end of the tunnel? i've said it before: no one will really change unless they WANT to. you cannot force someone. you didn't quit. you stayed until you saw the solution...to leave. that's not quitting. that's leaving. i used to counsel couples who wanted "permission" to end the marriage or relationship. but, i'd always tell them "no, you have to give yourself permission to end it." the answers are always, always inside ourselves. we just have to be willing to look at it.
1 person likes this
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
You're right MOMMASAM.. :( I think it was myself who doesn't give myself a chance to be happy. I still have some hope and while I still have it with me I want to wait until I can see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I hope she want to walk with me to the light, so we can end this darkness thank you very much MOMMA... I almost cry when I read your suggestion. I hope that's okay for now, I will try the best to get through this all and for now, it is myLot time, the time to be happy
@alecz23 (486)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
well we share a common sentiments right now...I really want to let go... If you can still manage to fix it go ahead and patch things up but if you know your always fight like whats happening to us...I can't go on anymore...I'm always hurt...maybe a time or space would work...
1 person likes this
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
I think there are many people having the same problem with you and I, some of them surviving, some of them giving up. I hope you're not giving up now, because I am trying to survive here. Let's try together, and let's keep things updated here in myLot so that we would know each other how things going. It is true time and space would work, maybe taking some distance would be good, but to break up and drop all that you've got is something different. Good luck to us
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I really do think it is best to recognize when a relationship is too faulty to be worth trying at and you have to move on and find something better for yourself. You have to use your time and energy on someone who will cooperate with you and try to make your times together the best they can be.
1 person likes this
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
I get your point there. But the complicated situation makes me not able to move on now. There are many things that have to be solved. I discussed this with my friends and asking about how things would be if I just leave, but their answer was really shocking me because they said that if I just leave, then I would only runaway from troubles and not facing it to the end. I might able to end up the problems there, but since it is unfinished I would still get to the same trouble next time in the future. What do you think about that?
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
17 Sep 08
Well, if you really do feel that the best option for you is to leave, and it's not worth trying to piece together a shattered, hopeless situation, it's not running away. Running away is if you just decide to hate men altogether and stay out of relationships. How is it running away if you just want a change for the better? Make decisions for yourself, don't let anyone tell you what to do. I hope you do what is best for you.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
15 Sep 08
First of all you have to be focused and stress free, otherwise your relationship is going to suffer and you are going to continue fighting. Try to have a break from normal life, your worries. Try to tackle things at a time. What's causing all this stress in your life? If you manage to separate stress, problems and your boyfriend, you can work things out and lead a better life together.
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Good input, ronaldinu. I am trying to make some distance now. Trying not to be so stressed out and put my attention for something more positive. I hope this way I can solve my problems. And you are right, there are to many problems so it becomes complicated. I should cleared it up one by one so that I can solve them all. Thank you for your input, I really appreciated that :)
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
15 Sep 08
well you can't really call it a relationship if you can't relate to the other person anyway. what kind of relationship is fighting every day about, really ? Right or wrong, i don't know which one you are, but if it's been 2 years and it doesn't seem to go anywhere maybe it's time to sit down and do one last talk. Look back to the times when things were good, or if this is just too depressing, just tell him how you feel, the same words you wrote here. If talk is impossible, write it down, send him email or leave a memo on the fridge door, somewhere that he can easily find. Wait for his reaction, then make your decision. life is hard on its own, you don't need troublesome relationship on top of it.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
16 Sep 08
ah ok i just read it again hope the best for you two
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
I understand your view. But I think you've been misunderstood. The fight is not happening for 2 years, but lately when we both caught in a depressing situation. And it has happened for a month now. I know what you mean. I don't need a troublesome relationship, but I need to give it a chance, since the past years were really good. Just the last 1 months is really so damn hard
1 person likes this
@Amagnimo (635)
• India
15 Sep 08
Well, dear Klaudine! Hi! Ofcourse, I will drop a comment... I have seen the exact thing in one or more skits (drama) in our area. I thought why should this happen, and it was as simple as ever - as it is said, "Anger is One step away from Danger - Anger and D-Anger..." The only way is to submit to the partner. It becomes tougher to meet with the expectations of the partner and the real life we live in. I believe that there is always some way to cope with both. I really don't know how, it even gets tough for me at times. But its always anger. Ofcourse, you know that very well. I'll help you with a way to calm down your anger. I'll write what I am "taught"... You very well know, nature of a person can't be changed at all. Do you think that getting angry has become the nature of your daily fights? Well, if its that, then you are wrong. The reason is that - the nature never really changes. The only thing that appears is the weeds - the malice and stuff in a good relation. If you really want to get rid of the weeds from its roots - you will need to extend hands of apology from your own side every time you are dominated and everytime that you get angry or he/she gets angry. You can always write an apology letter if you can't really ask for it straight away. This is easier when you will lose all your pride and ego... again - easy! Let away all your thoughts that make you think that you are right. The fact is that, you will never know the truth unless you come out of the situation of anger - that is because when you are angry, you always have the thoughts that you were right - why didn't the thing happen according to your expectation. WHen you start practising this, its seems tough. But it gets easier as the partner too starts to realise your ways! We already saw how to deal with past events when you were angry. But how to calm your immediate anger: here's the way. The moment you think you are getting angry (you will need to be aware of everything around!) you will first have to say "Excuse" get away, and start taking deep breaths. At this moment, deep breaths will seem tough because you are not in the mood to take deep breaths... you want to express your anger. But hey, if you calm down, I am over cent per cent sure, you will even realise your own mistake, and you will even be able to convince the partner of his/her mistakes. I'll not write more...or you will get tired of reading. Hope this helps. Happy Mylotting Nemo
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Hello Nemo, and as usual a lengthy good response for a simple discussion. Thank you very much. I am not tired of reading your response, and I am so thankful that you participate here to as I can get another input from someone who has known me before :) It is true that anger has become the habit whenever we are involved in a fight... It happened lately after the problems came and we both are under the distressing situation. And I believe that the stress makes us not able to think everything logically. We tend to put our emotion ahead and makes everything worse because of that. Maybe it was a simple dispute but since we see it with emotion and stress, we became more sensitive and became easily angry. That's how the fight started I understand your point and I am willing to try your suggestion. Taking a deep breath when bad things happen and make things not going to be worse. But still I have the limit. When the limit is off, I would take the move :) Thank you so much Nemo, and happy myLotting to you too :)
@underdogtoo (9579)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
You could decide to give each other a break and break up an unhealthy life. Too much stress in the homefront is not healthy for the world at large either. Why don't you give yourselves a chance to be happy. For sure, two years is long enough to find out if you can live together.
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
klaudine, uh, i am so sorry to hear about that. you know you don't need to continuously deal with the troubles. you deserve much better than those. it is not you being a quitter if you choose to stop dealing with it. it is you deciding what you will do. everybody have a right to make such a decision which will greatly affect her life. it doesn't matter if you chose to stay or leave. you know your situation best. the matter is you choosing what the best for you, what fits you most. and i am supporting whatever your decision. good luck and take care, klaudine....
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Thank you for your moral support, Sutan. Yes you are right, I have to take the risk to leave if things not going to be better soon. But for now I still have some hope, and I put all my hope in this last chance. Like what I've said, I might take some distance from this and hope when I come back later everything has been okay. Maybe we need to take a break so that we can see things better and more objective :) And we need to release this stress and depression so that we can talk and argue without fighting and yelling.
@ganda8831 (816)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
Relationships are really hard. You have to work on it. You have to think very hard about what you want to do with this relationship. If you think that you're going to be happier if you break up with your boyfriend, then by all means break up with him. What's the use of staying in a relationship when you're no longer happy. You're hurting not just yourself but your partner as well. You're in an abusive relationship because you exchange unkind words with each other. That's verbal abuse. If you are having a really hard time, just break up with him.
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Thank you very much Ganda, I think you're right, that I should have break up this relationship, but there is something that still holds me back. I still believe in her and I still have a little hope even I can't take everything anymore. I will try to end up the abusive relationship, change the fight into the argument, I will try it first, but if I fail, I would follow your input. Thank you very much
• United States
15 Sep 08
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