WHAT i have an 8 year old
By dad2spots
@dad2spots (165)
United States
November 7, 2008 10:54am CST
WTF. I've been married for the past 6 years and have 2 wonderful kids with my wife, a 5 yr old daughter and 2 yr old son. So we are minding our own business on August 7th and I get served with papers. At first i'm thinking it's a bill collector suing me, but no, nothing of that sort. It is an ex girlfriend that I've not seen nor heard from in over 8 years, claiming I have an 8 yr old son. again let me say WTF
Who waits 8 yrs to let the father know. It's not like she couldn't find me I've lived in the same county forever. According to these papers i have she admits she never let me know, that she doesn't know if i'm married, kids, etc. and she wants retro child support in the amt of over $13,000 and the state of IOWA wants almost $5,000 paid back to them for assistance they gave her and my son.
So I call state of Iowa, I'm in MISSOURI, and get the number i need to call and do dna testing. They made me wait 30 days from letter date and I did test beginning of september. so here i am waiting and waiting to find out and call prosecuting attorney and find out the mother missed 2 appts they scheduled for her and they set a 3rd. so i ask are any actions going to be brought against her as i recieved a letter a week before my testing that said if i failed to show it would be jail time and/or a fine. they of course said no nothing is going to go against her...of course not.
so she does show up for the 3rd appt and it does turn out to be mine..so i want to call and talk to him NO ONE WOULD GIVE ME A NUMBER TO CALL THEM. so i faxed a letter pleading with her case worked to pass my info on to her so she can call me and i can talk to my son. at first they were'nt going to since i have still not recieved the official test results in the mail---i've been calling and bugging them every few days b/c i wanted to know asap. she finally passed it on and i've been talking to him every day since i found out last week and i want to meet him. i asked his mom for visitation and she says i need to come up there and have visitations up there!!!! I have a family here it doesn't make much sense to me to go up there for a few hours and then come back home. When we met we met at school and she followed me to missouri when i left there, it was here in missouri that she got pregnant and she left here and never came back. I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO IOWA.
My wife suggested that we could pay for her(the boys mom) and him to come down here for Thanksgiving and pay for them to get back to they'd be able to see how we live and meet all of us. Then it comes out that my ex is married(according to her dfs papers she is single and never been married--its' just her and my son). Apparently she's been married living with this guy for 3 or 4 years and doesn't want to come down here with out him. when my wife told her we'll pay for you and 'jack" and your husband can pay for himself--she said no.
she just doesn't want to give visitation and no one is willing to help me fight this. i've applied to legal aid and they turned me down. the lawyers i've spoken to here in mo say that i need to obtain a lawyer in iowa and the court would be up there since that is where they live which wouldn't be a problem but my son has a rare skin disease and would not make a lengthy trip like that and my wife has a very severe anxiety disorder, she barely leaves the house and I'm her "crutch" as her therapist says. She'd never be able to handle it with my going that far from home. it's like there's all of this crap out there to help this woman that refused to tell me about my boy for all these years and now just wants me to give her money and not let me see him. this is a bunch of bullsh*t.
does anyone have any thoughts on this? any advice you can give me?
thanks
peace out
3 people like this
16 responses
@lisa0502 (1724)
• Canada
7 Nov 08
I feel for your situation. I think that it is terrible that it took your ex 8 years to tell you. I also think it is terrible that she might get retro active child support. I do agree that you should pay the state back though (sorry). But it was her doing to not tell you. I mean would you have paid then if you knew? (I am guessing yes by the way you talk). I think that women are too much in control when it comes to visitations with their kids and their fathers. Is there any way that you can get a lawyer to represent you without you being there? I can understand you not wanting to leave your wife as my husband also has anxiety disorder that also is hard when I leave. I am not sure what exactly you can do because I live in Canada and am not familiar with the laws where you are. I just wanted to show my support and I hope the best for you, your family and your son. I think that this woman needs to think about the boy. If more women thought about the kids instead of the money the world would be a little bit better. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@lisalove72 (21)
• United States
7 Nov 08
Dude, this is classic female manipulation. You have been more than reasonable and shown you want to be fair to her. Although it really sounds like she doesn't care about what's best for your son. It sounds like she just wants the money. Why else would a woman come forward after so many years. My suggestion is meant to test that theory and you must be careful how you play this card. You may try telling her that you will just sign over all parental rights to her because she will not try to cooperate with you anyway. If she is after the child supprt then she will start singing a different tune because if you give up your rights then she will get nothing at all. At least that's the way it works in my state. Check it out in your area. It's just a suggestion. I know you would not want to go through with signing away your rights, but it is a scare tactic that I have seen work. At any rate, good luck to you and remember, fathers do have rights, it's just a screwed up system that you have to learn to manipulate.
1 person likes this
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
7 Nov 08
Hi Dad2spot,
I don't know how you country works, its seems like you are in catch.22 position, in our country they have lawyers to help and the welfare, I just think she just wants momey from you and not want you to see the boy, so don't pay for the boy, there are so many women in our country that don't get money from the child's fathers.
Tamara
@dad2spots (165)
• United States
7 Nov 08
im in the us but the law states thet weather or not you pay for the kid you have the right to see the kid now what the laws do not say is thet in order to do so you must work it out your selves or fight it out in cort. i dont have the money to hire a lawyer.
@mommygirl (64)
• United States
7 Nov 08
It has been proved that the child is your's. So now you need to take her to court and get visition rights.
I thought that once you paid child support she had to let you see the child. I am not sure about that completely tho. I don't have that problem my daughters umm sperm donor don't want anything to do with her.
So she claimed to Social servcies that she was single so then her husband's income didn't count for whatever benefits she was getting? That is fraud and she should have to pay part of that back not you.
I think she should have been in trouble for not showing up for the DNA testing.
I also don't think it is right to go after you for back childsupport when she didn't have the sense to tell you about the child.
I also want to say that I have alot of respect for you that you want to be a part of this childs life. Alot of men whould just say oh well.
I wish you good luck and I hope you get to see your son soon
1 person likes this
@MizzLadyB08 (1174)
• United States
8 Nov 08
I will wait until the results come back. I am like you who waits 8 years to let someone know that they have a child. I do not understand why they are making you pay so much. It is her faullt that she waited so long. The only advice I can give you is to pray about it. I hope things work out for you and keep us updated on the DNA test.
@liquorice (3887)
•
8 Nov 08
Hi, I agree with you, it's completely unfair to wait 8 years to tell a man that he has a child. The mother is lucky enough to have known the child for those 8 years, but the father has missed out and you can't get that time back. You might have missed it in the original discussion post, but the DNA test had proved that Dad2spots was the father of this little boy.
@mariposaman (2959)
• Canada
8 Nov 08
I feel for you but you are 8 years too late. The laws and attitudes are stacked in her favour and you can spend thousands of dollars trying to get some sort of visitation that the courts will probably never grant you anyways. Many men cannot even get visitation after being married to the mother so you are so way out there. Yes she probably did it for the money and you are stuck with that. In family court there is a bias against the father and usually the mother can do no wrong as you are finding out. You might want to join a father's rights group if you can find one to help fight the injustices in the family court legal system. Even in the unlikely event you get visitation she can still deny it from you on any frivolous grounds and the courts will do nothing. However you will be dealt with harshly if you miss child support payments. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but these things happen in Canada and we tend to be more progressive than you. Good luck anyways.
@mariposaman (2959)
• Canada
8 Nov 08
I might add you need a lawyer, this is something that you will not be able to manage on your own unless the mother is willing to comply with your requests without going to court.
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
20 Jan 09
She is not keeping you from him. She just wants you to come out there. She never said you couldn't see him.
I make my Ex husband come down here for visitation with 2 of my kids. I live in NC and he lives in NY He wanted me to send them on a plane by themselves and I said no way!
I do think she is being unreasonable not to fly there to see you without you paying to bring her husband over too. That is just ridiculous.
You don't even know if he is yours yet right?
@shymurl (2765)
• United States
7 Nov 08
I'm not sure what to exactly say. I think that is terrible what she has done to you. But maybe here's just an idea. Go ahead and call a lawyer in Iowa, let them know the situation and see what they have to say. Is there maybe a family member that could stay with your wife?? Again i'm sorry for your troubles. Good luck to you.
@liquorice (3887)
•
8 Nov 08
That's a really unfortunate situation that you're in, and I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, but I really hope that you and your ex manage to work this out. It's in the interests of your son to know and to see his father, and his mum's being very selfish making this difficult for this to happen.
@SketcherD (1114)
• Canada
7 Nov 08
I have no advice to give to you my friend. I do not live in the states so I am not aware of your restrictions and laws.
I am so sorry that this woman has decided that now is the time to make up for 8 years of you missing out on your sons life.
I hate hearing how women manipulate men like that. 
I wish you all the best with this issue.
I wish you all the best with this issue. @katrhina23 (1282)
• United States
8 Nov 08
I just feel sad that these kinds of things need t happen. it is pretty obvious that the woman just wanted money and is not really up to letting the child and you know each other and spend time together. She even doesnt care about you and the child's feelings.
I dont have any advice for that , since I am not familiar with the laws in your state. I am just hoping that you could do something else and have the chance to meet your child.
sometimes, laws on issues like these are just unfair. I am hoping that you'd be able to use the situation (the fact that the woman didnt let you know for 8 yrs that you had a son ) against her. It is not your fault that she didnt let you know. Had you known, I am sure you'd be more than willing to support the child.
Good luck on this endeavor.
@deedeehall (1144)
• United States
8 Nov 08
yea she should have told you . good luck buddy and who can we trust?
@lanina911 (103)
• United States
8 Nov 08
Personally I think you should do you best to pay whatever and then try to see your son. Your ex is doing exactly what my sisters mom is doing. She is charging my dad money, not letting him see her, and telling my sister that my dad is the bad person. When really my dad is the better person, but whatever you do don't loose hope.
@Blondiewrites (14)
• United States
4 Jan 09
This unfortunately is a classic problem. The mother is favored in most courts, but not all. I would talk with a social service offical in your town and explain everything. You can position the courts for visitation. The cost of back child support will be with you every where you turn. Unfortunately, there probably is nothing you can do, even though she wronged you.
I have to say one thing, you have a supportive wife that must really love you to be so understanding. The other woman may cause you some trouble if you do not have a lawyer. I would try to find a lawyer that you can do phone conferences with instead of having to travel there.
I also think that you should find someone close to stay with your wife and make the trip to see your son. This is important for both of you. You do not have to gone long, but you should make in person contact and talk with him about his life. Who knows, maybe his life is not all peaches and crwam, which could help you.
@ricknkae (1721)
• United States
8 Nov 08
oh boy
I m sorry I do not have any advice but I feel for you
It is a very unfair situation
I can;t even understand that she would hve the right to claim retro child support when you were not even aware of it and SHE CHOSE to hide it from you
That's crazy
Anyway I wish you all the best and I hope you will keep us posted as on how it will turn out
Good luck and you have my support
