My writing exercise

China
January 4, 2009 10:56pm CST
On Feb. 21, 2009, I will attend the IELTS examination. Writing is my weakest item in this testing. Here is my first exercise essay. Any suggestion and criticize is welcome. Task Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. In contemporary society, it is widely believed that co-operation is increasingly important in our lives. But in the meantime, whether the children should be taught co-operation or competition constitutes a controversial issue. Some people believe that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged, while others think that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the latter opinion. It is obvious that co-operation presented everywhere in our lives. For one thing, much daily housework is finished by the co-operation of family memebers such as cooking and cleaning. Consequently, co-operation is one of the expression for love. For another, we always co-operate with workmates to accomplish the job missions. Specifically, co-operation is one of the indispensable skills in working. Last, to complete numerous tasks, we generally co-operate with our friends, neighbors, classmates or other individuals. As a matter of fact, co-operation is the most popular activity in modern lives so that children should be taught early. On the other hand, colorable arguments can be made that competition is more important for children. It is due to the fact that job opportunites are less than the offering resource today. For instance, every time when a new job position is released, there are usually several candidates compete for it. Even so, competition isn only a phenomenon but not a basic skill in working. In this case, co-operation always one of the key characteristics the employer considered. To sum up, I would concede that children should learn the sense of competition. However, co-operation is one of the fundamental skills in day-to-day life. Therefore, I would assert that co-operation should be placed as the essential one for child-education.
1 person likes this
4 responses
• Philippines
7 Apr 09
seeing that you really want to know what your mistakes are and what you can do to improve your writing, i will tell you upfront that you will need to do more work. first of all it would help a lot to remember that "clear writing is the product of clear thinking." before you write compose your thoughts first. i would also suggest that you spend more time reading. I would suggest TIME Magazine. What you can do is write your own article using a TIME article of your choice as a template. when you do this exercise take note of the form of the sentences and the general outline. you may also benefit from using the broadcast newswriting rule about keeping each sentence focused on one thought. of course, later on when you get better at writing you can stop observing this rule. i can assure you though this will help you make your writing clearer. another newswriting rule is to keep your sentences in the active voice. it would also help to re-learn some of the basics of english grammar and style. here are a few of the most important concepts you should know:1. parallel construction or parallelism 2. dangling modifiers 3. prepositions you can reasearch about these concepts online. increasing your vocabulary will also do wonders to your writing. sometimes we express something using five words when two words will do. learning new words will of course require more time and dedication. personally, i have learned that it also helps to know the mistakes to learn what is right. i know of a few online resources that can help you in this area but i don't have the links memorized. i'll just point you to my bog www.pinoymediainsider.com. look for the "helpful resources" list on the sidebar there's a site listed there about common english errors. i'm aware that i am posting a few months late since as you stated in your post your exam was scheduled last february. anyway, i just thought i'd post as you may still be in the process of educating yourself about the english language. btw, just like you i'm not a native english speaker. my work requires me to continually study the english language that's why i think i can be of help to you. i hope this helps.
@mimiang (3777)
• Philippines
7 Apr 09
sense of competitiveness is a better word. Also, it is more proper to say try looking for synonyms of words so that you won't be repeating them
• China
7 Apr 09
Well. how about your score? I'll have ielts on May and now i'm so anxious about that
• Philippines
5 Feb 09
Hi. I read your exercise but i hate to criticize. But i want to suggest that you familiarize yourself with formal writings dos and donts. You can do this by getting some IELTS preparation books, which give you both tips and simulations for the real exam. I have a compilation of these kinds of ebooks, cambridge, longman, etc. You can get in touch with me if you want to. Here's my celphone: 00639279552065. Good luck.