How do you discipline your child? Do you spank them or simply talk with them?

Philippines
February 8, 2009 10:28pm CST
As a parent, I have encountered a lot of problems in disciplining my children. I tried spanking, I tried talking with them as in heart to heart talk but to no avail. I think that children of today are so hard to handle. They are so fragile. Whatever pain I instilled on them it still create an impact on their personality. When I hurt them physically, I know that I am bruising them physically. When I use derogatory remarks on them, it is their inner self that I am hurting. It is still best to use diplomacy when you want to discipline your child. But sometimes, I can't help myself especially when I am on the verge of strong emotions as in I am very mad at what they did. I just hope that I can work on my patience more so that my children will not have a very low self-esteem because of me.
3 people like this
20 responses
• United States
9 Feb 09
I have a 13 month old and I am trying to teach her what she can and can not mess with. She's getting pretty good about not messing with certain things yet there are still things she gets in to. The first time I show her what it is she can't mess with and tell her no. If she continues I put her in her play pen for a 2 minute "time out" and if there is a third time I lightly pop her either on her hand or her diaper and remove her from that area altogether. She doesn't mess with many things shes not supposed to anymore so it seems to be working. I guess it's like the saying goes...kids will be kids.
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@regal_aeros (2606)
• Singapore
9 Feb 09
well as they say, "spare the rod, spoil the child". I would say a balance of both would be good. I have seen kids whose parents don't smack them but sit them down and talk to them like adults. There is an age for that. When kids start to become teenagers, that is where the beatings should stop and the talking comes in. But when the child is hardly 6, the child would not be able to see sense in an adults point of view. As for me, my parents were very strict with me and only smacked me once. Because i poured water all over the floor near an electricity plug. I would say they are one of those parents who sit me down and reason out with me when i was a child. But i was constantly being watched by them. So, that really leaves me very little opportunity to get naughty.
2 people like this
• Canada
9 Feb 09
Well I know I use to get spanked as a child and I respected my parent for that. I never talked back to them and I was a well behaved child...for the most part, I'm not saying I didn't get in troble but when I did I got it big. What works for me is a slap on the hand if they are hitting other people or getting into something they shouldn't. Then it is time out or sent to there room. My oldest who is 8 NEVER talks back to me and is a great child...she is only 8 but I know alot of children her age that talk back and it makes me mad. Now my 3 year old may be more difficult so it may be more extreme what I will have to do to her to disipline her....She HATES the corner but I have never had to put them over my lap and give them a SPANKING....I don't think it should have to come to that unless they are REALLY bad and nothing else works
2 people like this
• Ireland
9 Feb 09
Don't spank them or say mean things to them because not only will it hurt their self esteem, it will make them disrespect you. Tell them you love them every time they do something good and praise them. If they are bold simply tell them it's not acceptable and you are dissapointed in them. I remember when I was a child the worst thing my mother could do was tell me she was dissapointed in me. On the other hand, when she said she was proud of me I was always so happy. If they continue to be bold, take away privilages, such as pocket money or sweets. That always works with my friends kids, hopefully it will work with yours. And this might seem a bit mean, but once my friend had had a really hard day and she actually broke down crying when her kids were bold. They waited on her hand and foot for over a week after that. It might work for you?
2 people like this
@mervyn07 (437)
• Singapore
9 Feb 09
i will definitely see my child's charateristic and use the approariate methods, either hard or soft. This will be more effective.
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@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
9 Feb 09
It is very true my friend children nowadays is hard to discipline and I encounter that too. Well the most thing that i use is being friend with them having a long patience and control myself emotions of anger. At first it was hard to do but through my prayer I possibly win over that stubborn children.
1 person likes this
• China
9 Feb 09
It's good manner to make friends with children. I like this way but sometimes they do not do in normal way and then we need be severe to them. Most time is friendly and sometimes severe I'll be.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 09
I'm not a parent but as a child my father would spank me and not explain to me what i did wrong or why i shouldn't do the thing that i did. I always wanted to talkwith my parents but never had that kind of relationship with them. What i think parents should do is play video games or sports what ever your child's hobby is and make them feel like they can talk to you about anything as if you were a close friend. I do not think there is anything wrong with a little spanking every once and a while but communication is what i would have prefered.
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@coffeebreak (17824)
• United States
10 Feb 09
I speak from experience on the receiving end... spanking does nothing but harm the child and make them not like you. Trust me.. the only thing they will remember is the pain from what the "spanker" did to them. ANd that lasts a long time and over rides the "reason" for the spanking. My experience is that it is better to ground them from something they like doing or is a special thing... Computer time, tv,games, outings etc....that way everytime they go to do that thing, but can't because they are grounded from it... they will remember why and the bad times (hopefully) will stop.
1 person likes this
• Abbotsford, Wisconsin
9 Feb 09
Time outs is the best way for very young children. You choose a certain place in the house where they are told to sit and think about what they did wrong, then you have them sit in the time out for five minutes or more at first it will be a struggle to keep trying to get them to sit and stay there in time out for that length of time... You put them there until they serve their time out then afterwards you sit down and talk to them about what they did wrong, why they did it what they can do better next time. With Teens you do the same thing, but you give them a probably solving sheet, and make them document the date of the incident then over time you can show the teen how their behavior has either improved or gotten worse... Some people believe in given rewards for the behaviors this will help to some extent.. But for some children this makes it even harder to function because they expect those rewards... and if they do not get them they will no longer do the good behavior. Asking them to go to their room and cool off is fine, but locking them in the room I do not recommend, as they will eventually want to escape, and as soon as child feels locked up or trapped they will start to run off. Also make sure the child is getting enough to eat, and sleep, and that you are spending time with them, and planning a couple of hours of fun family activities every night.. Like Choose a book to read or go out to eat at a resturant going shopping or to feed the ducks at the park.. Simple things that everyone can participate in. - DNatureofDTrain
• China
9 Feb 09
my 3-year-old daughter was my angel, but sometimes, she really drives me mad. i've spanked her once. but after that, i felt disappointed with myself, since i were not patient enough. i know diplomatic talk is better than harsh words and spanking. parenting is a challenging way to know your true self and a wonderful chance to improve yourself. hopeful that, with my baby, i can become more tolerent and more able to control my strong emotions. there is an old saying in China, Set yourself as an example for your baby, who will act the way you do.
• United States
9 Feb 09
When my son was younger, he did get spanked.. but it wasn't very often. It only took a couple of swift pats on his butt for him to realize I was serious. When he was old enough to get sent to his room or to the corner, he no longer was spanked. Again, none of these things lasted very long - he was a quick learner and knew that just listening and behaving had better results than being bad. By the time he was in school, he was pretty much a well-behaved child. That's not to say he didn't have his little issues from time to time but nothing major. I'm not a fan of the whole time-out thing, I think the reason so many kids these days are bad is because parents are too lax with the discipline. Parents are no longer being parents - they are afraid of their kids. Thankfully I was never afraid of my child and we have an amazing relationship. I tried to stay ahead of the game. Some people might think this is wrong, but honestly.. I don't care because it worked. I told my son about how some kids would threaten to call CPS on their parents if they didn't get their way. I told him that if he got mad because I told him "no" or because he didn't get his way and he ever considered calling CPS on me, to just let me know and I'd pack his bags for him and call them myself. That made him realize that he wasn't going to ever intimidate me. If he thought it was bad at our house, just because he didn't get his way, then by all means.. let me pack up your stuff (not your toys, of course, because I bought those) and he could go live with someone else and take the chance with them - they might be worse than I was. I, of course, explained to him that I loved him more than anyone ever would or could but that I was not going to just give him his way all the time because he might decide to call CPS. He understood. Anyhow, I do not think kids "these days" are any harder to discipline.. I think parents these days are lazier and more scared than they should be. Parents are too busy trying to be "friends" with their kids and forget that they need to PARENT them first, then be friends. It is possible to do both.
1 person likes this
• Kenya
9 Feb 09
I agree with you. It is not easy at all though it is important. I have a 5 year old son and at times he drives me crazy. I keep repeating same instructions and at times i wonder whether he ever listens to me at all. I have noted anytime we talk diplomatically he is very cooperative but as soon as we are through he goes back to the old self- like you never talked in the first place! I at times spank him after i explain why I am doing it. It does not seem to do a lot but I can not just watch him get into mischief. It is not easy at all but we have to keep trying to see which method works best. Maybe with time they will come around.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Feb 09
I think talking to your children is always the best way to discipline them. Hurting them physically will only make things worse and that might create a huge gap between you and your kids. I've been a teenager and I know how it feels not to get credited for meaningful things that I do. Probably, it should start from appreciating or encouraging your child on what he does. Then when he does mistakes, try to talk to him first and make him realize what happened, the consequences and what should have been done. Spanking or hurting him physically will only make him think that he won't do it again just because he doesn't want to get hurt again, not because he realized his mistake.
@pickwick (858)
• India
9 Feb 09
Hi! I dont believe in the saying spare the rod and spoil the child.I am an example of its adverse effects.Getting beaten everyday and overdiscipline made a rebel of me and have a very low self esteem.I never beat my son.It takes a lot of patience to sit with them and explain things and that is a real challenge. Happy parenting!
1 person likes this
@mammamuh (582)
• Sweden
9 Feb 09
I've never believed in spanking and it's against the law here in Sweden to do so. It has been for the last 30 years so it's not a new thing. I was never spanked and physical hurt and I turned out just fine ;-). What I've learned is that children wants to co operate from the beginning and most of the time they do something wrong it depends on something we've neglected or done wrong as adults. It took me a long time to figure out that my mid child had to have snacks and food every two hours to keep here happy - otherwise her blood sugar would drop and she got angry. The days I'm in a lot of pain and not patient with things they do - they have bad days as well. I've read a lot written by Jesper Juul and I recommend you to read his books - I know there is at least one translated into English - "Your competent child - Toward new basic values for the family" I always try to be calm when talking to my children - but I do fail some times. At the other hand it is okay to be angry too - both for you and your children. Take care and good luck!
• United States
9 Feb 09
Parenting isn't an easy job, by any means. I don't agree with spanking because of the possibility of becoming abusive, and I certainly don't agree with being derogatory with children. Those scars are far more damaging. There is a good book called 1-2-3 Magic that deals with some alternative solutions for discipline. Children need to know the limits, they expect to know them. Depending upon how old your children are you can sit down and create a basic list of rules for the home. They need to be rules that you follow too. Then simply be consistant. I like trying to always capture the positive moments, those times they are being good where I can praise them. Sooner or later those praise times become more and the poor behavior becomes less. Have consequences set up for large infractions, such as breaking curfew, etc, but be flexibile with the small things like accidentally spilling milk, etc.
1 person likes this
• New Zealand
1 Mar 09
Hi If they are realy bad put them in diapers and they won't do it again
@bing28 (3800)
• Philippines
23 Feb 09
I never spank nor even shout at my children and am so thankful and happy they grew up with all the good qualities of children, the parents can be proud of. My brothers and sister grew up the same without giving any problem to our parents same we didn't experience any lift of a hand or unfavorable remarks from our parents. Not even a raise of their voices to scold their children, I believe if since birth the children will feel love and if children committed mistakes just be corrected in a nice way no offend to others but children will grow up kind and with all the love and respect to their parents and elders. Am speaking thru my experience with my parents and my children. The only disadvantage I noticed like us, my children are so sensitive that we are easily affected or easily hurt when other prople even shouted at us. I think children should be given positive tactics instead of hurting them physically or emotionally.
@k1tten (2321)
• United States
10 Feb 09
Spanking has adverse effects. You don't hit your child no matter what. And you can't always use diplomacy. You have to understand that verbal abuse isn't going to help either. You shouldn't get on their level because then they won't respect you. You have to set bounderies with punishments. And you have to follow through with the punishments too. Time outs and taking away things your children enjoy would be the best thing to do.
@lingli_78 (12852)
• Australia
9 Feb 09
i don't have any children yet at the moment... but i don't really believe in physical punishment... i think it should only be done as a very last resort after we try all the other alternatives... i believe in talking and reasoning with the children first before resorting to any kind of punishment... even if we have to do physical punishment, it should only be a light one and we have to make sure that we won't inflict any permanent injuries on the child... take care and have a nice day...