What can I do to make this poem better? Please help me.
By inkyuboz
@inkyuboz (1392)
Mandaluyong City, Philippines
March 26, 2009 11:59pm CST
This is my poem, I've made it a while ago and it's called
[b]
"Sweet Magdalene"
[/b]
[i]Tempt me my sweet and I will gladly succumb
To your mesmerizing charms I shall be bound
Neither your fleeting gaze nor your attempt to
Ignore me will dampend these feelings I've kept
For so long. The moment has arrived, for me to
Give in, to this burst of emotion, to this burning
desire. It's a curse, it's a blessing; A wonderful
Enigma. I've thought this through, even you can
Tell. May my Father forgive me, for my faith has
...shifted.
I may be dead to His eyes.
I may have lost my Throne.
But my sweet, my love will be
Eternal.[/i]
So... what do you think? Is it good, is it bad? Can I still improve it? 
3 responses
@worldmusic1 (2)
• Indonesia
28 Mar 09
The poem is fine, it just needs to flow better. Get you commas and breaks in the right places. Keep writing!
@coldmoon (1088)
• France
28 Mar 09
Reading your post and also other replies, I hope that my rigorous critiques won't hurt you, since you've got certain applause.
Well, it must be more essential and purer to be a poem. If the words are too frank, they're just words. And of course, syllabe is a must have to make a poem.
I'll base on your idea, and change some words as follow:
You're a flower of which I want to enjoy honey
Your mesmerization is lethal to me (mesmerize is similar to charm, but if they go together, they mean senseless)
Though you just give me a glance(it's enough, the readers will understand her attempt to ignore you)
I still keep my feelings through the time.
But now I find it's good moment
And I must shout out my emotion ( it's enough, "burning desire" is too crude to appear in a poem)
No matter what it is, a curse, a blessing or an enigma.
Before I my faith was devoted only to God
Now my heart is shared to another host.
I may lose many things
But my sweet, my love is everlasting.
Do you think it's better or worse. I think anyway the syllabes are ok.
@luntian_grace (1373)
• Philippines
27 Mar 09
the poem is very good. i think that you just need to let your readers pause in the right way you like them to be. i don't know if it's because of how you up load it here at mylot it seems that some lines are mix up with the other lines. i saw a line in you poem that begins with a word then there is a period after that and then another line. it's like reading a sentence in a story. but then again may be it's because how you up load it here. but content wise the poem is just right.
