Do your step-children listen to you and what about rules?

United States
April 5, 2009 4:44pm CST
My fiance has 2 boys, ages 10 and 13. If I ask them to do something, it falls on deaf ears. I have to ask them at least 3 times before something gets done. My fiance will let them ignore me until I get really irritated and then he'll speak up. Then he can't figure out why I ask him to tell his kids to do something. Um, because they won't listen to me? Plus we have certain rules they're all expected to follow. One example is, no drinking in the living room. But his kids will constantly go into the living room to drink and my fiance just ignores it. But when my son, who is 12, tries it, then my fiance gets after him to sit at the dining room table. We've been together for 5 years so it's not like I'm the new girlfriend or anything. His boys always listen to me and stuff when their dad isn't around but when dad's around....different story. I've tried talking to my fiance about this but he has one of those attitudes that his kids never do anything wrong. I think a good majority of the problems stem from my fiances attitude and he just refuses to see without blinders on. How about you? Have you ever had problems with your step-children? If so, what advice could you give to me?
3 responses
• New Zealand
6 Apr 09
Hi there, I am a step mum of two and have my own child,as I am learning every day on how to be a step mum it is definatley a gift to be one!!!!.Especially when it comes to discipline in your own home,I have learn t in my own stride when my step children come and stay with me every weekend now and holidays that I have to give them space and not discipline them so much as I use to.I have noticed a change in my step son,who is a naughty little boy,so I am not going to give him a piece of my own medicine,he doesnt need it he is too smart for his own good and he will learn from his own father who is with me,I am learning to keep my mind open when I need to and speak my own mind not to them but to their father.It is hard I know but when you let go of things it will become easier.My partner and I have been together for three years,and my step children know me well and good enough to settle down with,but to only get through with your step children it takes 7 years to accept to get to know them fully enough,and remember you dont always have to love your step children either,just be their friend and support.I think you need to talk to your partner about him acting onto your son with disapline that is so not right,you need to do that,and tell him so if he doesnt listen to you then I would make him realize and take a day out with him and talk!!! to him to make him listen go out for the night or day,start going away for weekends etc and say ya not mucking around thats the only way to get men to listen to you is to get serious lay the law down.If you cant get your partner to listen enough then the relationship is not going to be good in the long run for you and your son he is being lazy. Hope it works out for you all the best a stepparent
• United States
6 Apr 09
I've never disciplined his boys, I feel that is up to him. It's just the ignoring me when I ask them to do something that irritates me. Yes, my fiance needs to be a little more firmer and consistent about telling them they need to listen to me. He just seems to hate placing rules and boundaries on them because as I said before, he wants them to have "fun" when they're here. What he doesn't realize is that if this doesn't happen soon, he's going to have a very difficult time getting them to listen as they get older and get into the "know it all" teenage years.
• New Zealand
6 Apr 09
Hi, I didnt tell you that you need to discipline your step children read again,even when you ask them to do something they get alittle fistey too it is only natural,my step son is 12 and step daughter is 10,give them time and space if they dont want to listen to you well step back thats all I am trying to say.
• United States
6 Apr 09
I was the step child and I can tell you that this is on purpose. They honestly do not feel that they should listen to you when their dad is around because you are not their mom and he is their father and so he trumps you. The only fix for this is for your fiance to lay down the law: you are also in charge. It has been 5 years, a serious talk needs to be had, not only should he be consistant on his parenting but he needs to talk to his kids and tell them that you are not going anywhere, and while you are not their mom you are the woman of his house and your wordis equal to his. Good luck with it.
• United States
6 Apr 09
On several occasions I've talked to him. I've even heard him tell them that they need to listen to me but, it lasts only so long until it's back to the same ole, same ole again. His attitude in general though is: I don't see them enough so I want them to have fun when they're here. So, apparently it's easier for him to just keep his mouth shut rather than put his foot down. Here soon we're going to have another chat...
• United States
5 Apr 09
The same things happens in households where all the kids are your own. These children are not at a fun age for listening. As I think of it, a child of any age is no fun to deal with when you don't have the backing of your partner. Is there any way of hiding a camera in the house and then showing your man the differences between his kids listening and them not and how he is the factor. Most men don't know how or don't want to deal with their children even if they are aware of the problem. This has nothing to do with disrespecting you as much as them disrespecting him.
• United States
5 Apr 09
I wish I had a camera to set up because I would do it. Maybe one of these days I'll see if I can borrow one from someone. I guess I never thought of it as them disrespecting him but now that you mention it, I tend to agree. Unfortunately, I'm sure he still wouldn't see it that way since his kids "do no wrong". Thanks for the reply!