How Long?

@sassy28 (835)
United States
April 19, 2009 6:31pm CST
When you send your children to their room for a punishment, how long do you make them stay there. Mine are 7 & 9, and usually 30 minutes is about the longest that they stay there. I know growing up I would be sent for quit a long time. If I did something in the early evening, I would not usually come down until the following morning. Just curious if 30 minutes is not long enough, I am sure it depends on what they were doing. Mostly mine get sent to their room for fighting, and I need a few minutes away from them. I think we all need the time to calm down.
2 people like this
12 responses
@meandmy3 (2229)
• United States
20 Apr 09
We do a minute per age, so my kids are five so they stay in their for five minutes but the five minutes do not start till they are calm. here is what we do it is 1 2 3 magic if they start doing something they should not do I say that is one I then count to myself to ten If they have not stopped I say two again count to ten if they have not stopped I say three lets take five and escort them to their room I say nothing else to them. i do not say that is one stop fighting stop hitting etc. I just say that is one they know when I say that, that they are doing something they should not do and there needs no explanation, i am the mom and all I should have to say is one, nuff said. if they argue with me that is an automatic two no chance to re think it. do not compromise with them, do not negotiate with them, all you need to do is count.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Thank you for the advise, that sounds good. I will explain that to them and try it out next time they start acting up. Normally they are only in their room for a few minutes, if they do stay for 30 minutes then they are calm and playing together.
2 people like this
@ravinskye (8245)
• United States
20 Apr 09
I don't usually time how long there are up there. Half the time they sit there quietly but then they just start playing together upstairs so I let them go because then I get some peace downstairs. If not then usually they are up there for a little while and then I'll hear someone yell "mom can we come down yet?" lol and then I let them come down. If I have to send them up more than once then I make it a little longer each time. Most the time if they get sent to their rooms it is a last resort of trying to get them to stop being bad downstairs.
2 people like this
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Oh how well I know "Can we come down yet?" and usually I let them. The youngest one really does not handle being sent to his room, it really hurts his feelings.
2 people like this
@Trensue (5255)
• United States
20 Apr 09
The professionals usually suggest one minute for each year gives them enough time - they say any longer than that and they are just finding other things to occupy their mind. The room may not be the best bet if they have plenty of things to do in there. I think a seven minute time apart and then get together and talk about conflict resolution. I wish we had done more of how to solve the problem after everyone settled down when I was growing up.
2 people like this
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Yes, we actually did that a few minutes ago. The oldest came down and we talked about why they were seperated and how the constant fighting needs to stop.
2 people like this
• Philippines
20 Apr 09
I have never tried this kind of punishment with my kids.Usually I will let them stand from where they are fighting and tell them my feelings and I will go to the other part of the house where I can't hear or see them.After 15 minutes,sometimes less than that,they will come to me and say sorry.I always let them explain and tell me their version of the story and from there I point out at them what went wrong and why I got mad at them.Space is really needed when you have kids at home.It will keep you sane.
1 person likes this
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Fully agree, I think we need the time out more than they do. Mine do have to be seperated, the oldest always likes to keep it going.
@uicbear (1903)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Well, our boy is only four, so right now he goes to his "time out" chair when he is being punished. He usually stays put when he's being punished and doesn't even attempt to get out of the chair until he is called. Generally speaking once he goes to the chair we give him about 10 minutes after he calms down. The longer it takes him to calm down, the longer he's in punishment. At your kids ages I would think 30 minutes would be about right unless they really did something major. And as with all kids, I think, before being officially let loose, our 4 year old has to express and understanding of why he was punished.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
That is actually good that he can stay in time out for that long. I remember when mine were that young they would not last a few minutes without all of the whinning and "can I come out yet?"
@trm820 (222)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Mine are 11 and 8. I send my girls to their rooms for about 30 minutes. However if they give me trouble with it I add 10 minutes to the original time. They have learned that it is better to do 30 minutes than to get a temper and keep adding on time.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
I hope to think that they would eventually lose the temper fits, but mine like to keep it going. My oldest does have ADHD and I think sometimes he does things just to get us all irritated.
@PinkyPosh (226)
• Canada
20 Apr 09
My nephew is 3 years old. Sometimes I give him timeout. And At the maximum, I give him the punishment for about 4-5 mins. Know what That 4-5 mins will be like a punishment for me.. I wouldn't be able to wait for the 4 mins to complete... But Yea this makes a lot of difference. We need the time to calmn down.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Fully agree, I think the adult also needs a time out to calm down. I think I could handle a lot longer timeout from them, then they can handle(needing that peace and quite).
• India
20 Apr 09
untill they have learnt about their mistake or have felt guilty of their crime and apologized for it.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
When they came down from their rooms last night, I made them talk to me and each other and try to figure out what the stem of the problem was. We realized the oldest was tired and the youngest was mad because the oldest did not buy him a t-shirt on his field trip.
@idarita (18)
• Singapore
20 Apr 09
mine are 3 and 7, both boys. well, they always fight over toys, and both will not give in, the youngest always "bully" his elder brother, even knock the brother's head with a toy (ggrrr..) i usually punish the elder to face the wall for 7mins, more than that..he won't sit still. the youngest one i usually tell him if he continues behaving like that i'll confiscate his favourite toys.
@Hurray (65)
• Canada
20 Apr 09
idarita: What has been given has been given. It doesn't belong to the person who offered it. THe one who was given is then the owner: He can do whatever he wants with it. If he brakes it beyond repair, well, calmly explain once the child has calmed down that well, that was his toy and you cannot keep buying toys all the time. Now, if he wants another toy, what will he do to get it? 3 and 7: They would be more than happy to help you around the house if they know it is appreciated. And with a $0.25 allowance for it, heck, give me more to do! So, that's one thing. Let them be the owner of what you or others have given the children. How do you like to be nagged by your mother or you aunt or grand'mother on something they gave you and you didn't like and hide it or throw away? That is one way to handle this: Have each child pick up the toys that have been given specifically to him. Out of those, you ask them which one they are willing to have the other one (and other children who would come visit) play with? Those are the toys the other brother will be allowed to play with, after he asked and got an OK. The toys they do not want to share will have to be stored in a separate place once he's done playing with it (and secured away when other children visit): Is there something special to you that you use only on special occasion because you don't want others to brake or something? Once you have done this (separate the toys in OK-to-share and not-OK-to-share) you need to have the two kids look at those and give their agreement that they will not touch the other's not-OK-to-share toys and he can play with the OK-to-share after he had asked. One vital thing: There is quite a difference between the two children but never show if you have a preference. You'll have to learn how to deal with the older so he doesn't feel left out. Enjoy a more peacefull playtime. And read my post on punishment. Be honest idarita: Are you a patient parent or your kids are reacting at your own impatience? You know, at that age, we do not really understand these things. Heck, as adults, we don't really understand what makes us tick! Is this helpful? Hurray
@Hurray (65)
• Canada
20 Apr 09
Hello sassy28; Kid's main problems are the adults inability and too often unwillingness to deal with the boisterous side of children. Don't you remember how that felt? In other words, they suffer for the lack of energy of adults. Which translates into adults being intolerant, impatient and relying on punishment to try to subdue the children. Well, guess what? What goes around, comes around: the whole world of teens! Won't be able to punish much then - unless you have broken their spirit at a young age. Suggestion: When they are well fed, rested and in a peacefull frame of mind, take each one and tell him/her you are pround of him/her and that you want to see how you two can deal with situations like when they're fighting with the other brother or sister or when you personally need little breather. Be honest in telling them you want to use solutions that are not a punishment in itself but an action that will make them more aware of their actions and more responsible and that will settle whatever they're not happy with: Something like making amends. Do a little more than usual inside and around the house. Help their sister/brother in some way or the other. Until all concerned feel that the amend has been up to making things better. But first and foremost, check what's really under it: They might be hungry, tired or something went wrong at school or elsewhere, or they have a little hidden sin that is just asking to come out in the open if only their head wouldn't be smashed because of it or if they might loose their mother's and father's love. Carefull to acknowledge the "confession" without getting emotional about it. Have them make amends on it and resume your happy family life thereafter. Makes sense? You will be surprised at how better results this brings without the marks left by the humiliation and the sense of loss punishment set in. Get their firm agreement that if such a situation would happen again, this would be the type of solution that would be applied. Hope this help. Hurray
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
I do know that the oldest one was tired. He went on a field trip to a camp and was up late and had to get up early. Then the youngest was mad, because the oldest forgot to buy him a t-shirt when he was there. So since Friday night when I picked them up from school they had been fighting. After they came down from their rooms last night we had a long talk about their behavior and what is expected from both of them.
• United States
20 Apr 09
When my 8-yr-old gets into trouble, I give him 10 minutes in the Time-Out Chair. It's totally effective. To him, 10 minutes is an eternity.
@sassy28 (835)
• United States
20 Apr 09
When they get sent to their rooms, the youngest who is 7, is always wanting to know when he can come down. Even if he has only been there a couple of minutes.
• Canada
20 Apr 09
we dont give any punishment to children ?mistake happen every were so we do some goog advice to them som time we may do mistake then who give us punishment ?