What I Mean

United States
April 20, 2009 9:34am CST
I start very few serious discussions here... But I see so many misconceptions concerning depression that I would love to be able to clear up. I have suffered from depression for as far back as I can remember. and depression has taken me places that I'm not too proud to say that I have been (a time or two) in my 43 years of life. Seeing people say that it's an attitude or that you can "snap" out of it.. isn't true! Just as a cancer patient can't "snap" out of cancer.. neither can a depressed person "snap" out of depression. I actually wrote the following a few years ago... A glimpse into depression "What I mean" If you see me smile.. don't assume that I am happy.. it just means that I've learned to hide my feelings better. Don't worry about me when I appear sad.. worry more, when I suddenly seem happy.. because it means that I've found a resolve.. and it might not be the one that you think. Have you noticed that I've given my cherished things away? that means I'm done with with them. I've planned my exit. Don't tell me to snap out of it.. because honestly, if I could.. don't you think I would rather be happy than to feel like this? Sometimes I just want someone to listen.. I don't expect you to fix me.. just listen. because when I feel I have no one to talk to only makes things worse. When I tell you how I feel..I'm not looking for pity, attention, or a savior... I am looking for comfort. should I reach out on a public message board don't assume that I am looking for attention and/or pity... I just have no where else to go to talk and I am feeling desperate and alone. If you see me acting "different" don't assume that you know why.. ASK. There are going to be days that I can't talk.. I might not answer my phone or email or have any communication at all.. don't take offense.. it means that my mind is working over time and I am busy battling this demon called depression. Don't give me worn out cliche's, bible verses, poems, and think that you have done your part.. those things mean little to me.. I want to hear from your heart not from some dead poet or some writer that I don't know.. I need to hear from YOU. Don't ignore me and think that it will all go away.. it doesn't go away. and sometimes I need your input more than your cold shoulder. Being my friend, sister, child, spouse, partner isn't going to be easy some days.. but don't give up on me. I'm trying to hang on and when I see you give up I will follow you! I hurt and there is no event that threw me here... depression is often an uneventful sadness that occurs without warning or reason.. don't try to understand it.. try to understand me. Don't call me crazy.. because no matter how many times you say it.. it can never outnumber the times that I've thought it myself. and it only hurts me more hearing it from you. Even the best medications doesn't take this away.. medications make things more bearable but that too has side effects.. days of sleeping, yawning, emotionless.. even the best pill available is a 100% cure all.. for this. I feel worthless, hopeless, directionless, alone and scared... and no matter how many times you remind me what I have to live for or how much I'm loved.. I can't feel it... nothing is making through the numbness some days. Don't look for me to announce that I'm going to kill myself.. trust me, I would never do that.. If I am truly considering it.. the last thing I want is for someone to stop me. Some times I don't want to die.. I just don't want to live like this anymore.
7 people like this
17 responses
@sconibear (8010)
• United States
20 Apr 09
*nails Stormy's door and windows shut* *removes ALL sharp objects* *sits down with Stormy and gives her a comforting bear hug* i'm here for you sweetie! *spits out last Skittle and offers it to Stormy*
2 people like this
@sconibear (8010)
• United States
20 Apr 09
OK.......just so you know i'm here for you..........i'm also there for you, and way over there for you. *licks Skittle drool off Stormy's chin*
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 09
awwwwwww bear! I would be lost without my best buddy! I'm glad I have ya here and there and there... and over there... and THAT AIN'T YOU! that's a cardboard cutout!!
1 person likes this
@kprofgames (3103)
• United States
22 Apr 09
What you have said really touched me. I understand depression. You never know when it will hit and when you're at your lowest, you're still putting on a show. There isn't an easy cure. It doesn't boil down to eating your vegetables and staying away from other things. It's not an easy equation. Those who talk over it, never been through it. When you have those deep dark thoughts, those days that you can't raise yourself to take a shower, then come talk to me. But until then, you're not me, never been me, can't fit into my shoes so don't judge me. You're right, you're not usually serious on here. But I know. Been there, done that.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 09
[i]There isn't an easy cure. It doesn't boil down to eating your vegetables and staying away from other things. It's not an easy equation. [/i] So true!
1 person likes this
@sulynsi (2837)
• Canada
10 May 09
My mother once told me that she would rather have two broken arms and two broken legs because then people could SEE what was broken. I think that is the hardest part of depression. The reactions of others, or their lack of support because they don't see anything wrong with you. Your experience explains your amazing depth when you write. My husband, who suffered terribly from depression, told me he did his best work when his soul was deeply troubled. He had thrown out most of his work by the time he met me, so I never got to really see it until he lost a very dear friend. He wrote poetry for his friend and I couldn't help but feel a lump in my throat. I don't believe I have experienced long term chronic depression. Short term, sure, but I consider myself fortunate not to have experienced it for long stretches. I do, though have plenty of experience with it, as several members of my family do suffer. I hope I demonstrate appropriate empathy - your pain in my heart.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 May 09
I am so glad that you are able to understand without having to fight this cruel beast yourself.. It's the most horrible thing I've ever had to deal with.. and it's never really gone.. ever! with or without meds. Your mom just described what the hardest part of having depression.. hurting and you can't point to a spot where it hurts.. there are no bruises.. no battle scars.. nothing to prove that what you feel is real. to the world you look perfect.. but inside of you.. there is a raging war of a battle of wits and emotions and looks a lot like ground zero. from the short time that I've had the pleasure to know you.. I don't think that you ever have to worry about not being empathic enough toward those who hurt.. you have such an amazing heart! :)
1 person likes this
• United States
11 May 09
awwww! we all have those days here at mylot! lol! um..... about the rain.. I LOVEEEEEEE RAIN! I absolutely hate sunny days! hahah! light gives me migraines .. people often wonder why my singing video's are very dark or either I am wearing sunglasses in them.. it's because of what light does to me. a flash of light makes me have an instant migraine.. but my migraines don't actually hurt or make me sick.. they are annoying.. I go completely blind for a few hours and when my sight does come back I feel like I can't see very well.. so rainy days and dark rooms are friends of mine! :) my light comes from other people and I store it in my heart so I'm not totally in the dark :)
1 person likes this
@sulynsi (2837)
• Canada
11 May 09
Ahhhh, it does take me a while to catch up! STORMY! Gotcha! lol *she can be taught* Then a sunny day, metaphorically. I personally will take sunny days metaphorically, literally, any way I can get 'em. My migraines are painless, and darkness does cause temporary blues. I get cold easily and can't keep my body warm, most of the time, so for me, sun is a good thing. Not lying in the sun baking, that makes me feel ill too. But bright, happy, warm.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (44036)
• United States
10 May 09
Well most of my life I've been battling with depression's sister...anxiety. I developed anxiety/panic disorder with agoraphobia way back in 1978...it put a screeching halt to my life's plans for at one time I was completely housebound. I'm still battling it but haven't been housebound in ages (decades) thank goodness. For many years I hid my "problem" as I think most people do with anxiety, or depression..we want to appear "normal" whatever the hell that means, right? When I did start opening up though an amazing thing happened...laughingly, some of the very same people I never told I had panic disorder would say, "You're kidding..I have that too!" We're so good at hiding our problems right...actresses. mmmm..about the crazy thing..did you know that it's consider "normal" to question one's sanity...it's when you don't you're in trouble..LOL I just sent you an email since I've been going through a phase...don't know if it's depression or what but I just haven't had the umpf I used to and like you there are days I don't want to know the phone exists (ignore it if it rings) and just can't get into my emails either...it's weird too, since in my case I've never had any real depression before save one time...years and years ago. didn't want to get out of bed AT ALL...hardly left the bedroom save to go to the bathroom and hardly ate. Months passed by and one day I woke up and said to myself...Shiit...this isn't working out, and can't live like this forever and in my case I DID literally snap myself out of it---never been on medications either for depression or anxiety So Dr. Stormy...what's your analysis? Think I can get my bearings again?
1 person likes this
• United States
10 May 09
OH! I have had a few rendezvous with depressions family members... I had one panic attack that was like a stroke.. I spent the night in the hospital unable to talk or walk. and when Mr. Worry comes for a visit... I spend days in fear and sadness! it sucks! I have met quiet a few of the relatives in the phobia family! oh! but when company comes I can hide everyone neatly away in my brain and smile so I look all normal! I know all too well the joys of spending the night nursing my sadness when depression would (and still does) blow through.. You are blessed to be able to snap out of it.. for most people it's not possible... and even a few people that decide that snapping out of it includes you dying along side of it. *puts on doctor's smock* sit down here lil lady! let's see.. your bearings are missing???? wait! wait! *pulls bearings out of pye's ear* NOW! guess which hand they are in! hahahaha!
2 people like this
@pyewacket (44036)
• United States
10 May 09
Oh my....Dr. Stormy you found my bearings!!!!...oh, uh....or is that my marbles?
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jun 09
Little_Stormy, I just read your writings, and I can't belive it. It sounded as if you were describing me. Ive had depression all my life and it never seems to get better. Usually my medication controls it, but not for the past two days. Especially when bad things happen it seems to get worse. And people don't understand, they think you can just "snap" out of it like you said. That is not true. You can't control it at all. So many times I wish I could throw it away. But I can't. It has ruined my life. My depression is so severe I can not work anymore (along with other health problems). I would always get fired alot. They say this happens with people with severe depression. And since my life keeps getting worse, so does the depression. I am extremely sad today. I just hope it will pass. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Depression......... I have a question about this, let's say that you get a letter or an email from someone that you've really been wanting to hear from.( Perhaps a boyfriend) Does your depression automatically lift and go away for a while? This is how is with me, I can be feeling down then all of a sudden when I hear from someone that I haven't heard from in a long time or if somebody does something to make me happy. My depressing thoughts seem far away. That is the reason why I wonder if depression can be changed with just a single thought. Please don't think that I'm trying to make light of what you and other depressed people have gone though. I would never do that. I just think that it's all about getting in the right place in your life. Sometimes people can be helped through therapy. Sometimes it can be something as simple as going out into the sunshine. Scientist have noted that people who live up north suffers more from depression than those that live in warmer climates. Get help for yourself if you feel like you are depressed. Sometimes we really do have to pick ourselves up by the bootstraps because no one else is going to do it for us. I do all kinds of things to keep depression away from me including prayer. Good luck and may God bless you.
• United States
22 Apr 09
I read your discussion to a friend of mine who also suffers from depression. She wants me to thank you for putting it into the words she could never find to describe it as you said exactly how she feels. I had to copy it and sent it to her so she could show her husband who is very supportive of her but like me never really understood how it feels to suffer from such a debilitating ailment. I am truly sorry to hear how painful it must be.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Apr 09
How are you doing WhiteHeather? I'm hoping that things are going good :) I'm glad that my discussion helped someone.. sometimes, I guess, the biggest comfort ya can find is finding the words to describe the pain that ya feel. Thanks for droppin' by!
1 person likes this
@jerzgirl (8027)
• Gloucester City, New Jersey
21 Apr 09
Stormy, I so agree with you. People who think depression is something you can just "snap out of" have been fortunate enough to never experience. They've had periods of sadness, but depression is far more than merely sadness. It may include sadness, but isn't only sadness. It's a condition, a chemical imbalance - not a mood, although moods affect it.
• United States
22 Apr 09
thank you for responding :)
@PrarieStyle (2495)
• United States
21 Apr 09
I'm sorry Stormy I don't know how you feel. I don't get depressed very often. If I do, it doesn't last very long. When I do, I look at all the stuff around me and think about the millions of people in the world who have nothing, not even food and would be grateful to have a grass hut to live in. I also think about the poor child brides of Islamic pedophiles and people who don't get to enjoy living in a free country. Also when I'm blue, I put on my favorite Christian music and start praising the Lord and before I know it, I over it. But I do find myself feeling depressed more often and longer these days when I think about the future of the world and our country. I'll bet the depression statics will sky rocket during these next 4 years...
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Apr 09
I am so glad that you don't have depression.. It has been a battle unlike any I've ever fought in my life.. and this goes back to my earliest memory.. I've had it so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without having it or knowing that it can come back with a vengence at any given time..unexpected and harder than when it subsided last time. I DO think of the things that you mentioned.. I know that there are those out there that are much worse off than I will ever be.. I KNOW it. Depression is so different than feeling blue.. or down.. it's mind bending and heart wrenching and it's nearly impossible to concentrate on anything for very long.. TV and reading are nearly impossible to do... for me, at least. I am thankful for one thing though.. I am thankful for friends like you :) A few years back, you helped me through a difficult time in my life by being my friend... and you have been a treasure of mine since then :) hugs!
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
21 Apr 09
You just put into words what alot of us feel and can't find the right words to describe what we are dealing with to someone who has never dealt with it. My husband doesn't know even though I try to tell him what it is. He thinks of it sometimes as a laziness since their are days he has to make me get out of bed and not because I stayed up all night because I lost the will to get up that day..thanks stormy for the words to maybe be able to explain it better.
• United States
21 Apr 09
Don't count on my words helping much when you are explaining it to him... I've used these words for years and it still leaves those who have never suffered from depression scratching their heads. When they realize that you aren't a quick fix or they can't make you snap out of it.. that's when things get bad. My husband can pretty much ignore it away until I start crying.. then that just makes him mad. If ya ever need to talk... I'm here :) hugs!
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Thanks stormy I appreciate it. There are just days that seem easier with our blankets over our heads..I know it doesb
• United States
21 Apr 09
yeah.... I'm having one of those days .. today
• United States
21 Apr 09
Kind of strange that I would see this now, my best freind killed herself 17 years ago tomorrow. She's been on my mind. I can't claim to understand what you go through, but it seems you understand what many of us go through. I've been fighting depression for most of my life, and it runs in my family. The only thing that has helped keep me from going so deep into that pit of darkness is my kids. Many women experience worse depression when they become mothers, but for me it's the opposite. I don't get despondent the way I used to. I am now going to be selfish for a moment and tell you that my world is better with you in it, and I hope you will always fight to stay. You are not alone, even though you may feel as if you are. Your writing here today will help a lot of people who also face a similar struggle. Misery does indeed love company. I wish I could do something for your pain, I hate to see my freind suffer, but I know that this is your fight and only you can fight it. All I can do is offer some backup. You know where to find me if you ever do want to talk.
• United States
21 Apr 09
I've always known where to find you (that in itself has always been a comfort).. and I've bent your ear more than a few times throughout the years... :) I can't say that you ever turned me away in all the years that I've been blessed enough to call you one of my dearest friends.. I remember a time when you and Dana were the only people on this earth that believed in me. and I never thanked you for it.. but I want ya to know that it meant the world to me.. I love ya Mare! more than I could ever say! *hugs!*
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Apr 09
I love you too, I hope you never forget that.
• United States
21 Apr 09
I suffered from depression years ago, so know what it's like. While I do agree that it is possible to get over depression by changing thoughts and attitudes, someone can't do it at the snap of their fingers either; depression isn't something someone just snaps out of. having someone to reach out to is very important, as this post pointed out.
• United States
21 Apr 09
Maybe with some types of depression.. a change in thoughts and attitude is possible.. minor depression perhaps.. but for the depression that I am talking about that happens without reason or lasts longer than a couple of weeks... it is due to some medical factors (chemical imbalances in the brain) as well as genes handed down.. this depression can not be controlled by changing your thought pattern.. This depression happens without a reason and without a warning and always returns.
• United States
22 Apr 09
I know what you mean about a chemical imbalance, because that was what I had. I got to the point where it was a chore for me to get out of bed and do the simplest things, and was sleeping a lot. I was on medicine for a while, which helped; my sypmtoms never have returned
• United States
10 Jul 09
Hey Lttle- Stormy, Believe me when I say I know just what your talking about. I to live with depression, right now I'm not doing to bad, but any day I know I could fall into my hole to the very bottom where there seems to b no foot holds just a deep place that I can't get out of. It's a strange place to b for me, I get so down I'm to tired and have no will to get out. The longer i'm there the deeper it gets the less I try to get out. No hand can free u, only time , how ever long it takes to oh so slowly fade from black to ( for me) gray. Gray seems to b my only other color. It's the worst feeling to be depressed, no matter what people say it makes it worse. So your not alone I'm here, struggling to stay afloat, forcing myself to brush my teeth, not wanting to wake up in the morning, trying to sleep as much as possible, so if u Ever want to another like yourself I'm here lonely and waiting
• United States
16 Jul 09
awwwwwww thank you for understanding :)
@agv0419 (3029)
• Philippines
20 Apr 09
I'm also feel what you feel right now. I'm also had an illness I'm depressed with my situation. Whenever we have an illness I think the depression is always there. I pray a lot and It helps to overcome my problem. Sometimes I want to end up my life to finish my difficulty in life but in the end I can't. Family, friends and God are the person we can depend on to deal with depression.
• United States
21 Apr 09
you response was copied and pasted on the next page of this discussion.. you might want to report the person who copied your response.
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
10 Jun 09
What I mean............. Hey Stormy, I feel you on this and I can relate although it's not all the time that I feel depressed. For me it comes and goes and it really all just depend on what's all is going on in my life. When people say that you can snap out of it they mean well but they don't realize that depression is a serious illness. I can only assume from reading this poem that you are just expressing yourself. So I hope it helps to know that you have friends here at mylot that will listen. Happy Mylotting!
@thezone (9451)
• Ireland
21 Apr 09
Very well said
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
20 Apr 09
i never undergo depression before... but i have a friend who had undergo depression before and i know how it feels... i try to console her at that time and just listen to all her problems... i know how hard it is to go through those times and hence i just try to be there for her to listen and support her... i hope you are able to overcome your depression by now and move on with your life... take care and have a nice day...
@fwidman (11515)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Excellent! I always described my depression as a hole. Sometimes I would manage to crawl out of it long enough to take a look around, then I would suddenly slip back into that hole and stay there. I spent years on some sort of auto-pilot, going to work and dealing with people as I had to but it was an awful experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. And you are very right, there is no way to snap out of it!