Helping the kids with the death of a loved one

United States
June 6, 2009 11:32pm CST
Hello all. It's been over a week since my fiance passed and I'm just now getting started on everything. Bella always was on the lot and some of the advice she got seemed to work for her. So I pose this question to you how should I broach the subject with the kids? I can see in their behavior that it has affected them. Right now its small things acting out, fits, and whatnot but they are not the same as they were there is something behind them now that wasn't there before. I'm trying to keep everything like it was before but I admit that I'm a bit more lenient right now. I have councilors on standby for if I need them, but I wanted to know your opinions.
5 people like this
6 responses
• Regina, Saskatchewan
10 Jun 09
My dear friend. I've been talking to Cyn on the phone. And as you know, I knew Bella pretty well. We all agree..............get the family into counselling immediately. You need to come to terms with your own loss before you can adequately help the kids with theirs and the big ajustments that have come and are coming into their lives. Things can't really stay the same sweets. There is a vital part missing and that gap needs to be dealt with. I wish so much I could be there to help you with it all and take some of the burden off Cyn. But I can't. I am however, just at the end of a telephone line........ Don't be afraid to reach out. Bella did! lol
5 people like this
• United States
10 Jun 09
Sparks is smart, and she gives good advice. You should take her wise words into consideration. She knows a lot more about this sort of thing than I do.
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
10 Jun 09
Aw shucks Kitty! LOL Don't underestimate yourself sweets. You're a pretty smart cookie yourself! Ryan, I hope you read these responses. We are all here for you, on and in my case, off lot. Reach out. You need us!
4 people like this
• United States
12 Jun 09
well family is a bit of a hard word right now bella and I were not married so it's just the two youngest with me. But therapy is going on as needed for the girls. I will try to call here soon once things get settled down here a bit more
4 people like this
• United States
9 Jun 09
I think you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, including the bit of leniency. I'm so sorry for your loss, Bella was a friend of mine here at mylot, I can't even begin to imagine how rough this must be on all of you. I was 28 when my dad passed away, and he'd been sick for a while, but I'm still screwed up over it (I'm almost 37 now!), these kids just lost their mom in a most unexpected way, the best you can do is love them and be there to listen if they want to talk and try to give them a little space if you feel they need it. Also, do not forget to take care of yourself! The most important thing you can do for the kids is to allow yourself time to grieve and heal because they need you strong and healthy and neglecting your own needs won't help anyone. I think letting the kids slide on small transgressions is a kind and merciful thing to do. God Bless you all.
3 people like this
• United States
12 Jun 09
Thats what I have been doing along with trying to keep them busy with summer activities to help them out thanks for the advice
4 people like this
• United States
13 Jun 09
Hang in here, friend. I know this is hard, it is beyond my imagination what you are going through. You have a good heart, and it won't lead you wrong. You've got some friends that are totally here for you, whenever you need to talk. I'm a bit obnoxious in the political section, as I'm sure you may have noticed, but I am a master at "ignoring the elephant in the room" meaning that you can come here and talk about nothing that is related to anything and get your mind off of things for a while whenever you like. There's some silliness going around the boards here at mylot tonight, many of us get loony on the weekends, so feel free to find me and my friends being goofy if you need a reason to smile (or laugh at our inanity). Sometimes when we're in a sad situation, it helps to completely disconnect for a while and engage in some mindless entertainment.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Hi Ryan, please accept my condolences on Missy's passing and know that I also was touched by her and her offer of friendship. She was such a sweet gal and very caring as well. As you already know, she was a huge part of the mylot community and is so sorely missed!! I have to say that I agree with the counseling idea for the girls. They need some sort of understanding, even at a child's level in order to move on. When they start to act out, call them to you and give them a hug and let them know how much you love them. That will do a great deal of good for them in the long run because it lets them know that you do love them and won't leave them too. Their world is spinning out of control and they don't know how to stop it and the hug will help a great deal. It'll help you too. I know this because I was in your shoes 18 years ago when I lost my fiance so suddenly when our house burnt to the ground. It's a shocker to say the least and hard to accept but with time, I did come to terms with it. I don't think I've ever really accepted it but came to terms. You will too but right now YOUR world is spinning out of control and you need your girls to hug you just as much as they need you to hug them. I turned to an ex boyfriend of mine to get the hugs and be held when I needed it most. It wasn't the perfect or right/wrong thing to do but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly and it did keep me grounded. Please seek counseling. It will do you and the girls a world of good. May God Bless You and Your Girls!!
2 people like this
• Canada
18 Jun 09
I would definitely take the counselling if I was you. It helps, trust me. It isn't the be-all end-all, but it does help tremendously. A certain amount of your time could be spent dealing with the loss, but also some 'away' time to 'enjoy life' is also good, too, so you are not overwhelmed with the loss all the time. That is what mylot can possibly do for you, and other activities. I think you are doing right by keeping the kids active and busy. Dealing with the loss is necessary, it can't be ignored, but a certain amount of 'play' time must also be encouraged. Yes, I think a bit of 'acting out' is normal, for sure, so yes, because of the underlying reasons, a bit of leniency is surely warranted. I can see why Missy loved you so much. She and I were not in daily contact, and I did not want to hone in on the closeness she shared with sparks. However, she was the first to offer her hand of friendship to me here and she often advised me, and helped me, directly or sometimes through sparks. I had great respect for her even though she was younger than me. She was an 'old soul' to quote sparks. She was an awesome human being, I am proud to have known her but I am very sad that I kept thinking that there was more time to do more stuff with her. Hug those kids tight for me and for you. Blessings and Hugs to you, too.
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
31 Jul 09
Mandor, I think it is good that you are reaching out to others. This is a very good thing. Talking things out and asking questions when you feel the need is going to help. I guess this is why many of us are here. I knew Bella and she is very much missed. You coming here, with old friends is probably the best thing you could have done. You will have more support here than you can think of. This place is a sort of therapy for most here. I know it is good for me. I have very good friends here that are as close if not closer than many family members. I do believe that you are doing right having medical help for you all and the other things you mean are the right thing too. The children need you a lot now and they need your patience and love. Take care and I sure hope that you become a regular here as it will help you. Take care and welcome to the lot. You will have many people to talk with and to help figure out things with you, lots of advice and you can take and use what you will. Blessings to you and the children.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Jul 09
Hi Ryan, I didn't know Bella all that well, but I would love if you could share some time with us and some of your experiences good and bad with the children, (kids are the prodigy of goats, you and Bella were and are not goats.) Just because I didn't know her (Bella) well, I do know enough about her to know that she was not a goat and I can tell right away that you are not one either. Children are resilient, they will do well as they live the best life that you can provide for them. Hang in there and keep writing, there are many opportunities available to you if you just keep reading and writing more and more will come to you as you very well should know. Peace and Blessings, Sincerely, Gary