I am at the end of my rope.

United States
June 29, 2009 10:07am CST
I met my boyfriend 12 years ago. We hit it off perfectly.For the first year, everything seemed to be fine. Then as things go, we sort of fell into our routine of life. We saw one another for a couple of years and decided to move in together. :o/ That is when things started to change. When I was living apart from him, he treated me very well. We were best buddies. And he told me all the time of how much he loved me. And he always wanted to be with me, doing cool things. But as soon as I moved into his place, it just all went south. In the 10 years that we have lived together, we have celebrated ONE of my birthdays.I have always done something for him, though. And he never EVER observes Christmas, Valentines Day, OR our anniversaries. Not even a mention of them. A couple of years ago, I also decided to just let them go by. It hurt wayyy too much to observe them all alone. As I said, even though he totally dismisses me on these days, I always observe HIS days. AND--whenever we DO get out to do something, it is to do whatever HE wants to do. where HE wants to go. We always have to eat at a buffet as opposed to a nice restaurant. It's CHEAPER. I am hurting so much over all of this neglect. And right now, it is just hitting very hard. See, thing is, I do love him. I wish that things could be as they were when we were just starting out. But I guess that's impossible now, huh? Does anyone have any ideas of how to maybe put a spark back in our lives? He never ever tells me that he loves me anymore. Or that he needs me in his life. He told me those things all the time in the early days. I am NOT kidding---it stopped the very DAY that I moved in. It hurts alot. I'm lost and do not know what to do or how to feel anymore. Oh and whenever he does "consent" to buy me something, I have to pay him back. Oh please, does anyone have any advice? I know some of you will say LEAVE HIM. It's just not that easy right now. Anyway, thank you for reading.
3 people like this
16 responses
• Italy
29 Jun 09
If you really love him and you want to save your relationship, in my opinion, you have to speak with hime and explain all the things that you have wrote in this post and wait for his answer... After the answer you can understand if you are important for him or not and then decide what to do! I hope you can adjust this bad situation!
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 09
Hi ciccibucci. Yes I am going to talk with him. After just a few days back home with my Mother. I've invested too many years to just go running away. But I also am very tired of feeling so hurt all the time.Thank You for your feedback. Much appreciated! KitKat
• Italy
30 Jun 09
I truely hope that you can find a solution and that he can change because he loves you like you loves him!
@khayshenz (1387)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Ahhh - it appears that you already what to do (which is leave him), but you're afraid that it's going to hurt. And you already know that this man is taking you for granted, treating you like a doormat, and you still choose to be with him. Well think about this: how do you claim to love someone else when you don't know how to love yourself? Honey - if you don't leave now, at some point in time you will start believing lies such as you don't deserve to be love, and that you deserve to be someone's doormat. You see, this isn't love anymore - it's obsession. Breaking up is NEVER easy, no one ever said it's going to be. I suggest to call up your best friend and let her know what's going on. It's important to have support at this point in your life. They will be the ones who will love you and make you realize that love SHOULD be beautiful. Good luck. *hugs*
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 09
Hello khayshenz. Thank You so much for the hugs. LOL, they are so badly needed right now. Even if they ARE text hugs. And you are totally right about the obsession. I agree. I am going home for a while to let these feelings cool down. Then I'll see what to do. Once again, Thank You for your response. KitKat
@khayshenz (1387)
• United States
30 Jun 09
Well if you need "supporters" - I'd be more than happy to be around to vent to or whatever. I'm in Cali - I just know that you're from the US. Anyways - just let me know. I'll message you my e-mail address. Take good care of yourself, please!
@yogeshdhusa (2212)
• India
29 Jun 09
hi, i feel you should talk to him. a relation should be give and take - not just take. You make him feel special but even he should. talking to him is the need to keep the relation more happening. dont leave him but take a break - go away from him for few days.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 09
Hi yogeshdhusa. Yes, I am going away for a while. Home.Let things chill for a bit.Then I am going to talk to him one on one with him. Thanks for taking the time to respond. KitKat
• India
29 Jun 09
I can understand that you love him. So there might be some misunderstanding. You said that he started behaving differently as soon as you shifted, right ? So maybe he wasn't prepared for it. Or maybe he had some other plans but he couldn't say no to you and now he may be regretting. Have you talked about this to him ? Just tell him that you don't feel he is as comfortable as he was before. Ask him what the problem is. Show him that you are concerned rather than just telling him. Maybe he is worried about the expenses (the buffet example). Or maybe he had a fight / quarrel with someone near and dear to him (mom or sis maybe) because of you moving in. And he hasn't been able to forgive you.. All of these are just guesses that came into my mind. majority of the chance is that there's some other reason. But I think I've given you an idea that there might be some other reason too. The only way to get to the root is showing him that you are concerned about his behavior and then talking with him... wish you all the best.
• United States
30 Jun 09
pratyushtamhankar, thank you for your best wishes. I am going to be talking directly to him about all of this in a few days. I'll try to be as honest as I can be to him. I hope that I get the same in return. Thanks pratyushtamhankar! KitKat
• India
30 Jun 09
Hey most probably it will be something that would hurt you (a guess) as he hasn't told you the reason till now. So if it makes you angry or very sad, be prepared. And always remember one thing, there's always a solution for everything. Sit and talk. Wish you all the best.
29 Jun 09
u sound like a lovely person and the way he's treating u is not right. give him an ultimatum, shape up his ideas or u are going to leave. yes, it will hurt for a while but when u find someone who treats u properly u will soon realise how much happier you could be. i know that i went out with a guy for a while and i wasnt really happy with him so i treated him badly. he wasnt particularly happy and nor was i. i decided to end it and now he is incredibly happy with a new partner and so am i. If i had not ended it we would both still b together, happyish. instead, he lives with his pregnant girlfriend and i live with my lovely boyfriend who i would do anything for.
• United States
30 Jun 09
shellsim, your response made me cry.You were very direct and right on target. The ultimatum sounds good. But I sincerely think that he will tell me to put it where the sun doesn't shine.... Thanks, shellsim! KitKat
30 Jun 09
I am so sorry, I didn't mean to make u cry. It's just that I feel u will get someone deserving of u if u leave him. I know that my ex did love me but he would never have been as happy with me as he is with his new girlfriend. X
@OGIBARRA (32)
• United States
29 Jun 09
well kitkatgal i think you should sit down with him and talk to him tell him what bothers u the most and what u would like for him to do to make a difference. tell him that u dont want to change him in anyway but that u miss the way he use to be with u look my name is olga but i just like everyone to call me og and am a lesbian and i have my girlfriend that i luv with all my heart and we been together goin for 3 years in july 5 2009 and since the first day i met her i have been a really detail person what i mean by that is tha i always like to buy her a teddy bear roses candy or what ever came to my mind that would showed her that she is always in my mind. the first 2 years i always told her happy anniversity honey exactly on the 5th of each month but not i dont and she dont either but when we remember we tell each other maybe 2 or 3 days after but we still do. yea we do have our up and downs but trust me it does helps when yall sit down talk bout it or write a letter to each other saying whats wrong or what happen to the things yall use to do try it it will work trust me........................................
• United States
30 Jun 09
Hi Og. Thank You so much for your great response. I wish you and your Lady so much love! I am going to be talking with him in the next few days. Maybe things will work out, maybe not. Whatever happens, I really do wish him the best. I would love to see him happy. Either with me or elsewhere. But I also want for ME to be happy also. Thank You, Og!! KitKat
• Philippines
29 Jun 09
Talk to him heart to heart tell him what you feel don't just keep it alone it never gonna work being in relationship is not easy its not a game don't lose hope this is a test of life pray to God talk to your family and friends that problem you faced was not easy but its was allowed to shape your heart tell him what you feel.
• United States
30 Jun 09
Thank You for your response, evictavis. Yes, I am going to have a heart to heart with him after I take a few days away.I hope that things work out, really.I DO care alot for this person.But I don't want to be in a relationship that is 80/20. Thanks again! KitKat
@carolscash (9503)
• United States
30 Jun 09
Get some time away to find out what you really want to say to him and then find the strength and courage to tell him how you feel and then make sure that you stick to your advice and if he doesn't change then I would say that you have to leave as he is not in the relationship because of love. Why would he not celebrate holidays,esp. Christmas. It sounds to me like he is not willing to allow you to do things that yOu like to do and that is controlling which is a form of abuse.
• China
30 Jun 09
Really don't know how to comfort you!i want to say love is,after all the beginning of the honeymoon period insipid.If the differences between the two increasingly separate is the best way. i think you should not be so pessimistic,even if separated,you may also want to make him understand that this is his loss!Perhaps you want a stable life,but people need most is a happy,right?!so, you should be brave to try new things,perhaps you need a new passion..
@alfpr35 (63)
• Japan
30 Jun 09
OH MY THIS IS A HORRIBLE SITUATION ,I DO REALLY Sympathize with your situation and only wish that things could change for the better,.I do however believe that all is not lost, things can still work,it does not matter what people will say to u,some will say that u leave him, as if its going to be easy.you will have to be strong just 4 yourself.i don't know if you are a spiritual person but it does not matter whether you are spiritual or not.i want to tell u one thing my dear that u are not a doormat ,God has a purpose 4 u,u are created in God's image and u look like God, u don't have to get an approval from men to know that u are loved,I am telling you that God loves u and he cares 4 u,in fact the bible says that he has engraved u in the palm of his hands.Right now even if u don't know how to pray ,just kneel down in the private of your room and turn your marriage to God.Tell God that you're leaving this marriage in his hands,u don't have to feel anything,just believe that God hears you and that he is longing to hear u pray.God wants to grant you the desires of your heart, but only if you will turn all to him.I will request you to be doing this every time u feel unloved, u will start seeing changes in your marriage.God Is your father and he hears u,u don't have to be cute b4 him coz already he knows what u are going through,just tell em how u feel and how u would want things to turn......i will talk to you again and i will be happy to see if things are changing.I would love to share more with you until your marriage works...bye 4 now,u can email ,check my email in my profile
@subha12 (18462)
• India
30 Jun 09
I very well understand your situation,. There is no point to suspect you. It may seem weird but have heard many guys are like this.May be for any reason, he is not able to say you.May be there is something he just can't say?ask him clearly in cool head what is his intention.
@kprofgames (3025)
• United States
30 Jun 09
I understand about time into a relationship. You invest so much that you don't want to walk away. A very wise person said to me that your relationship is a bank account where you are always putting something in and making withdrawls. My question is, if you are always putting something in and he is always making the withdrawls (because he doesn't do a positive back) what really is the balance in your relationship? Is there? I do agree that time away would be good. Either time for you to think or even just time away for him to miss you. It sounds like he just takes you for granted that you'll always be there for him no matter what. Birtydays, anniversaries and holiday are supposed to be a celebration for couples. Not just because they are special days, but because it is one more special day you have together. Somewhere along the line, he's not seeing that anymore. I don't see anything wrong with going to a councelor, a nutral person to get this all out on the table. Not so much that talking between you two can't be done, but someone else to point out to him that he needs to step up here and take responsiblity for how his actions effect you. If he is unwilling to do this, then no amount of talking to him will change a thing. Routine is right, that's the right word, but it sounds more like you're treading water because he's always holding you down. Best of luck to you and I feel for you. Being emotionally starved in a relationship is hard. You are always trying to get him to come around around and when your success rate is at zero, it can really start to punish your own self esteem.
• Singapore
30 Jun 09
I can truly understand how you feel. There something about moving in together that made him slackened. It's probably the feeling that he has GOT you, there's no more chasing to be done. It's not exciting any more to him. I'm in a similar and yet different situation. My suggestion is to pray for direction and follow your instincts. If you truly love him, then do something to make him WANT you. Make yourself look beautiful and sexy in front of him. Make him desire you all over again. Do things to make him happy. Talking to him has its advantages, but you must be prepared for the answers. Find the right time to talk to him. It's not easy finding the right moment to talk, but you must try nevertheless... All the best!
• Philippines
30 Jun 09
You have been together for 10 years. That's long already. Within that time, have you noticed any 3rd party on his part? The reason why I ask is because there are guys who act like your boyfriend. Infact, my husband is somewhat similar to him so I can relate. In our 5 years of being together, I never received any gift from him for my birthday, mothers day, christmas, any occassion for that matter. Name it. No fancy date as well like eating in a restaurant. It is really frustrating. ANd guess what, last Christmas, I was waiting for his gift.. again (which I always do whenever there is an occassion. ALthough I know I will be hurt again as he has no gift for me). Indeed, still no gift for me but I do have gift for him. It is not that I am asking for anything but it is good to feel that he remembers me in special occasions like that. But the worst thing is that, he has a gift for his brother! He was even very excited when he came home with a perfume for his brother. I told him that we already have a gift for his brother - A giordano t-shirt we bought in Hongkong. (I also give gifts to our extended family). But he insist that the perfume is also for his brother. I was really mad that time. I was jealous if you would put it that way. He even had a gift for his brother even if we already had one but he had nothing for me. He doesn't even remember me and that is the most painful part. I got really angry and said a lot of things to him. Although I did not mention how I really feel that time. And he is really insensetitive. I told him that if he will give the perfume to his brother, I will really leave the house, me and my son. That's how angry I was. :) We didn't leave though as he did not give the perfume. Then early this year, my husband and I were talking just about anthing. And at that time, I finally burst out all hurt that I have in side for his being insensitive. And guess what, things got better after that. I received a gift from him on my birthday last May. Heis now greeting me and we are now starting to celebrate special occassions the way it should be and I am very happy. My suggestion to you is friend is talk to your partner as well. Let it out. Tell him how you feel. Communication is powerful. You just have to start it. Good luck and I do wish everything will be okay soon. God bless!
@sjvenden27 (1851)
• United States
30 Jun 09
To be honest it will be hard to change things, especially if its been that way for all of these years... First of all, I know that you would like him to change, but he does not want to change then well you have to make a choice.. The only person you can change is yourself!! Instead of observation his days, since he does not do anything for you..quit.. When he asks, just tell him you are treating him the same way he treats you... Don't get me wrong here or anything, but it seems like man just do not care about the holidays... You have to remind them of what is coming up, unless like you have said, his days... Sometimes you have to give them a taste of their own medicine.. Which can be hard considering you did that for so long.. And not to get to personal or anything like that but a man that sits there and dictates what you can and can not buy is wrong... Unless you do the same to him.. Then its fair game...But if it is a one sided issue.. Then I would stop telling him what you bought at the store...and if he gets upset explain to him why... and if for some reason he does not believe it or what not... go shopping again.. then tell him what you bought.. and have it tape recorded.. then the next time do not tell him.. then he asks why, play the tape and tell him well I do not treat you this way, and I do not want to be treated this way either... Not sure if this would help or not but it is an idea.. I understand that you do not want to leave him, that is fine, its a choice that only you can make.. Also since this is mylot and none of are in your particular situation, no one has a right to judge you.. So what ever you decide I hope you are happy with yourself, and the outcome.. Good luck and happy mylotting
@myx_03 (540)
• Philippines
30 Jun 09
Hi kitkat, If you really love him you must fight for that love. 10years in not a joke relationship, it's something to treasure. Just like what the other said to you, talk to him heart to heart, tell him what is inside your heart. And you'll see what will happen after that, its okay and you have nothing to lose, at least you open what is your feeling for him. God bless you!