I feel like I want to die...
September 5, 2009 3:00pm CST
I'm just 17 years old but I'm feeling this unexplainable pain in my heart. At this age I already have so many problems - problem in my family's relationship, financial problems, problem about my mental disorders, etc., while other people with same age as me only have problems about their study and love life. Problem about my family's relationship. We're very divided as a family. My eldest sister(who was supporting us financially, she is in Texas working as a nurse) hate our parents because she doesn't want to support our father's wish to preach through radio. She has different religion and she think that our father will say something not good to her religion. She also hate us for supporting our father. And she said we live like millionaires here(although we're not, just rumor she heard from our cousin) while she was working hard there just to be able to give us money here. That's why she stopped supporting us financially. Financial problem. I've started working online since I stopped studying(more than a year ago). Until now, I just earned $5 and can't even withdraw it because my Paypal is not verified yet(and I can't say to my sister to get a debit card to withdraw my earnings since it's too small). Since our sister in Texas is not going to support us now, my sister(whom I'm living with) is having problems of how to earn money. She even thought of leaving her one-year-old son to work abroad to earn money. I feel guilty since I'm just a freeloader and can't help her financially. I even think of not using computer anymore to save some money from electricity bill but I'll feel like I'm very useless since somehow, even I just earn a little online, I still feel like I can help even a bit. I'm also planning on making my own PTC site so that I can earn more but the $10 that I'm expecting from a GPT site(to buy a PTC script using together with my $5) is not going to mine anymore. When I visited the site this morning, it is already suspended. So, now, I feel like I don't have any more reason to live. Problem about my mental disorders. Yes, all of us have mental disorders. I already have this mental disorder since I was a child. It is called Excessive Compulsive Disorder. But when I started studying(the course i that I don't like) in college, it started to worsen. My dream is to be a good chef but my parents and sister(in Texas) wanted me to take IT(Information Technology). My dreams are important to me that's why I was really depressed to know that I'm not able to reach it. Because of my depression, my disorder worsen and I can't go to school anymore because it took me long time to do anything(bathing, brushing, putting on clothes, etc.) and til now I'm still suffering in that disorder. Plus I have acquired another disorder because of my worsened Excessive Compulsive Disorder which called Impulsive Disorder. People with Impulsive Disorder cannot control what they are doing even if they know it's not right. Like in my case, I can't stop myself to spit whenever I feel dust entering nose or mouth or whenever I smell something not good to smell(but I spit in the right places, not anywhere). I'm really tired of doing this but I can't stop it. I really don't know what to do now. I'm losing hope and the only way I can think of is to commit suicide. But it's like the other half of my mind says no. What will I do now?
2 people like this
5 Sep 09
You drop all the things that trigger your problems and give time to just focus on yourself. If your family doesn't want you to be a chef, move away and go to college and be a chef anyway. Live by yourself if you have to. If they are not going to help, you will have to find a way to save money. I know it sucks. When I was about 15 I wanted to die because of all the family pressures, and they were always just hurting me. One day I didn't want to be under the pressure of their problems anymore, I saved some money and travelled for a few months. I realise I wasn't crying anymore, even though I was really broke. The kindness of people touched me, and the normality. You should try to see the outside world a bit, look for new friends. Find people who will understand.
5 Sep 09
Hello skaterx. Thank you for your response. I stopped studying IT more than a year ago 'cause I really can't take it. I can't even understand what our professors discuss 'cause what is in my mind is to be a chef. I am trying to earn money but it's really hard, til now I only have $5 in my paypal. I'm also considering working offline but I don't know where and what to apply to. I love cooking but I'm not so good at it(because I don't have the chance to practice 'cause where only eating instant foods which are cheap in our country) to apply for a job related to that. And here in our country only few companies accept applicant below 18 years old and those few prefers part timers that are studying to help them for their studies. I also applied to jobs online like customer service representative but no one replied. It's also hard for me to stay away to the family problem since I love my parents as well as my sister. I want them to settle this but my sister's mind is closed. I really hope I can get through this situation.