I need professional help!!!
By BAC3186147
@BAC3186147 (21)
Philippines
October 1, 2009 4:54am CST
I have married for 21 years with 3 kids who are all grown up. My concept of a married life is to have an ideal family, caring, loving, understanding and forgiving the shortcomings of my husband, children. Just recently, I've found out that my husband lied during our wedding day. I thought, when someone married, he/she is true to themselves as they made their vows, but my husband still love his girlfriend. I felt I was deceived and has been deprived of my right to live a happy life.My life for 21 years has been stolen from me and what hurts me so much is seeing my children unhappy because they did not expect that such thing would happen to our family. They loved their father so much and they're very much affected. I wanted to have my life back and I want to start my new life again, but I don't know how to start moving on. I wanted to set my husband free for him to be happy because for 21 years he was lying, but I wanted him to suffer the consequences of his actions. But how can I do it? But, on the other-hand, I felt relieved that I knew the truth and our status in his life. It is very difficult how to start again. I Have involved my children in making plans on how to go about it. They are very cooperative and made my burdens lighter. Can you help me how to deal it in a positive way. I'm no longer happy with my life living with my faked husband? Please I need you to guide me. I'm not a bad woman nor a problem one. I just want to have my lie back.
7 responses
@popciclecold (35430)
• United States
1 Oct 09
Hello, Bac You are not very clear, was he having an affair with her, or what? Did he just come out and say after 21 years, I still love my old girl friend. I think the best thing for you to do right now is get a grip, and really think about what you really want, and this is no easy task, because you feel hurt an angry, and you decision can be very cloudy. If you really love your husband, the two of you can work thru this. Also you need to think about making him suffer, because God will take care of that. I'll be married 39 years tomorrow, and it ain't been no bed of roses,but hey we came thru it but the Lord had to help. It is natural to want revenge, heck some people kill, for it. Just let me say let the healing process begin, if you don't you will become bitter, and hold this inside, and you won't ever be happy again take it from me. popciclecold
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
1 Oct 09
Yes! They met again and continued their affair after 21 years. Thank you for your wonderful comments and it helps me in my journey of making things right. I'm not after revenge, but a punishment that would teach them a lesson, so that they would be able to realize that life is not just a toy, but it has feelings that need to be respected and preserved because it is the temple of God's spirit. I was considering an annulment but, there was no ground for annulment in this case. There has been questions in my mind after our first baby was born but today every things has been answered when he revealed everything infront of us. My children are still hurting and they are willing to let him go. We are civil with other but he said we will not separate. But there's nothing to preserve our marriage because from the very start he lied. If I should have known about his love life, I would not have fallen in love with him. Nobody has been hurt.
@starsailover (7829)
• Mexico
2 Oct 09
Hi: What you tell us is really sad because as a son we understand our parents problems and in my case, it's depressing to know that my parents are fighting even if I'm 21 years old. But i think you have to let it go. Your husband will receive what he deserves for lying to you but that's god business, not yours.. You can re-build your life. I hope your children and family supports you.
@popciclecold (35430)
• United States
2 Oct 09
I know that you are hurt, and angry, and you will be for sometime. But the question is what do you want to do about? Because this sort of hurt, can drastically diffucult. Because somtimes you want to leave, then again you want to stay. Can you view life without him? Can you see yourself free if you leave? Let me say right now take one day at a time, make your decision, because this kind of hurt, is there for awhile. popciclecold
@irene3184 (898)
• Philippines
2 Oct 09
So you mean that you are aware ever since that your husband is in love with the other girl before you get married? If you really want to be happy and mind set free then let go of your husband , don't let the 21 years of staying with him will add up another years of sufferings and staying without love and affection.I think the last thing that you have to do is let go and be happy with your kids.
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Hi, Irene. A pleasant good morning to you. Thank you for you piece of advice. It lightened my burden. I wasn't aware of it. He's a good actor. Not until he revealed to all of us his predicament, and he boldly told even infront of the kids of what are his feelings. My youngest daughter, said, "I pitied my father a lot because he suffered so much for us. I loved my father, but I can't continue seeing him suffering just to keep his family intact. I don't want to stay home because the happiness that we used to have is gone." That was what I was trying to save the feelings of my children from being hurt. They were the first people who witness what their father was doing. Instead of protecting them from situations like that, they protected me. But, recently, they all told me the truth. Yes, time will come that everything will be be ok and we can move on happily. Thanks so much and God bless.
@irene3184 (898)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Really? Maybe your kids want you to be happy and not suffer anymore just for them. You can't neither be happy with a situation that you want a complete family but you you just force to do so. Set free and move on with your kids.
@popciclecold (35430)
• United States
2 Oct 09
Hello BAC, This is popciclecold again, I thought about you all day at work today, and would whisper a word of prayer for you. But the reason for this post is that a few weeks ago I was going thru with anger against my husband. It was nothing, but I have this anger from the past. I do o.k. sometimes but sometimes I don't. A friend sent me an email, that totally changed how I was feeling at the time, it is so great. I sent it to another, and she said that it was so awesome, it changed her train of thought. But I would have to have your email address to send it. I want you to have it because it will surely help. I am burdened for you, and very concerned about you because I know your pain. You can email me popciclecold@yahoo.com I will be more than glad to send it. I call you friend because we both have something in common. LOVE popciclecold
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Hi! Pop, I've already sent you my email add just 2 mins ago. Thank you so much for your concern. I've learned a lot from you all my friends out there. Hope you're still be there for me and for people who needed your guidance. You're such a blessing to me and to those who are on the shoes as I am today. I really felt good today when I read your comments. I helped a lot. I came across your problem regarding your sister, hope you've already found her. God bless and more power.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
2 Oct 09
I can relate. I found out that after 12 years my husband had been having an affair. I felt betrayed and angree. But, I told him years before this I would never fight for him..He looked shock and said "well you don't love me very much". I then told him...No. that's not it..It would just prove to me, you didn't love me enough!! And that is something I won't do, is fight for a love I don't have anyway. I would move on and find someone who could love me, the why I could love them. Because I won't stay in a relationship that is a one side love. I moved on and did find love again. I now have been married for 14 years...and my husband would do anything for me..
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Hi, Tonnie. How I wish I could do the same thing as you. Hope I would have the heart to do so. But, I will try my best to stand firmly on my decisions to get over it with. It's so inspiring to hear from you. I adored your boldness and thanks God, He's given you the person who is worthy of your love and who love you also. I hope I can find my happiness too somewhere, sometime as I move on. Can we be friends? Can you send me your email add? Thank you for your gauidance. God bless you always!
@purnima175 (435)
• India
1 Oct 09
Hi BAC,
well if you are looking at professional help then i am sorry none of us are professional here but if you are looking for what if i was in your place what i would have done. First of all i would make sure if they are still meeting together or he has just not gotten over it .. in later case i would say it is ok... no one can really forget his or her first love and she is part of his past, like it or no one can change past. But if they are still meeting then i would put my foot down. In India we can get family help and families can put pressure on guy to and kids can shame thei dad if he does something like this. Also i would try to reason with him that when he has such a loving and caring wife and so nice kids why do you want to destroy all this for a girl who didnt loved you enough when she needed to or otherwise she would still be his present and wife and not ex. I wont leave my husband or kids ever but iam sure if i ever face this problem then i would get over it with reasoning.
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Hello, Purnima. A wonderful morning to you and your family. You're such a wonderful woman, a fighter and straight-forward. You are not professional, but you're more than them as you take me into your heart. Your advices are very inspiring that helped me considered things to take as I go on with my life. My fight against this odd feelings and protecting my children from feeling the same as we all knew that it is one hell of a kind. Pur, the very moment my husband told us all, I pitied him, but I"m also angry at him. I felt being robbed of my life for 21 years. Entrusting my life and future with my kids to a man who faked his existence as a husband and father. Until this very minute, I felt there is nothing to fight because from the very start of our marriage there was treachery. What' the use of living together in a one-sided love affair? How does it feel staying together when you knew that it wasn't you that he needed, touched and thought every minute of his life? Is it worth preserving this marriage? Pur, I wold have wanted to be one like you, but sad to say I don't know if could still cling to this relationship. Thank you so much for being with me and I hope you will continue to include me in your prayers. God bless!
@irefed (200)
• Philippines
2 Oct 09
I think you must let go your husband because you had suffered long enough to his unfaithful love and affection. I'm sure your children will understand as what you have posted in your discussion. Setting free is the best thing that you have to do now, maybe your husband will realize the importance of his family if you give him time and set him free.
@BAC3186147 (21)
• Philippines
3 Oct 09
Hello, Irefed. Good AM. Thank you for your kind piece of enlightenment. It really crossed my mind to let go of my husband. My children also are amenable of what my decisions are, and I got them involved in every plan I made. They said they are willing to let go of their father for him to live a peaceful life, and for us also. But, It will really take time before we can go over it.
@jellymonty (2352)
•
11 Oct 09
I realise this was posted a week ago but I just had to respond as that totally sucks!! 21 years?? that's a long time for somebody to have an affair in secret. 
At least he was having an affair with a woman which is not as bad as if he was having an affair with a man. To be honest if I was in your shoes, I'd let it go. It's too late for you to start going nuts about it. You have three wonderful kids and although it's painful, just let it go, and let your husband choose where he wants to be.
At least he was having an affair with a woman which is not as bad as if he was having an affair with a man. To be honest if I was in your shoes, I'd let it go. It's too late for you to start going nuts about it. You have three wonderful kids and although it's painful, just let it go, and let your husband choose where he wants to be.
