October 4, 2009 5:58am CST
I have great issues to deal when it comes to boys. But first, let me clarify that I don't really have anything against them. I'm a friendly person and I get along very well with boys. But that's it... It's starts with friendship and...well... it still ends with friendship. I don't see anything wrong about that. I can't blame anyone because it's just ME. I had my first boyfriend after I graduated from high school and our relationship lasted for only 3 weeks. I don't even love the guy. What an experience for me to share! Then, ofcourse, just like any other girls...I have few-very few-admirers who wanted to court me. They were good friends with me at first. But when they suddenly brought up things about courtship---duh! that's the end of everything. I'll start to stop on replying messages from them. Talking with them on the phone without any interest at all...until I stop on answering phone calls from them with alibis like- "My phone is in silent mode", "My battery is empty", "I was doing something outside, I didn't hear my phone ringing..." and so on... It's always like that. Even if there's a possibility that I like the boy or something like that...I just end up hiding from them. Why, Oh why!?! Sometimes I wonder if I'm mentally incapacitated or what. Is something wrong about my brain? I can see my friends who are so happy with their boyfriends and husband. I don't have any problem with that. I know it's just me. I'm afraid that I won't have the same happy story like they do. I mean, I'm kind of afraid to trust. I don't even trust myself if I can handle such relationship. I dunnow! And sometimes, it's getting on my nerves when they tease me about being single. I wanted to shout and say... "Hey! I'm only 21...what's the big deal?!" Honestly, it hurts to see some of the guys who feel bad about what I do. I feel guilty. I'm not so beautiful. What kind of girl am I?! I feel like I don't deserve to be loved because I don't know how to appreciate them. But you know what, deep down my heart..I wish I will meet someone.... like every girls dream-to be someone's lady. It's just...I can't feel the same way towards those boys...though I still try to be friends with them. And I'm writing because...well, I'm frustrated. I hate hearing those jokes and teases! My parents are not strict. It's just ME! I'm not yet prepared to reveal myself to someone and make them give me some kind of power to hurt them. I don't want to be like that. Urrghh! I don't know what to say anymore... Maybe you can help me out...or just say anything you want. I'll accept any criticisms..I know I'm being weird here.. But well, I just needed to say something... something that's very hard for me to say-even to those who are close to me.... Fill me with your thoughts and opinions...I might need it. THANKS!!!
2 responses
• Philippines
30 Nov 09
sounds funny but it is true..well, you are not alone as i am label too as abnormal or retard for not taking any relationship seriously. All the things you mention i done it most of the times. I am feel being in limbo as I love being me it is ether hate and love relationship. Though. i am not a playgirl i just do not feel the exciting love story as something real as some couple get engage to feel acceptable by the society as remaining single is like a sin for a lot of people may tease or rather criticize your freedom which i do hate most of the times as they are like a dog barking or nagging then just need them to mind their own business or leave me as its my life anyway that is concern. I am the first who could feel the love and pain results from emotional depression or undecided self, like one that wish good things to happen and yet they are so elusive. Maybe a lot of people are blind unable to discover the gems in a person they judge what they see. Though, you just need to love yourself first before loving another as i think you are not yet ready to be chain emotionally ans still enjoy your single blessedness. it is better than to pretend t have someone though inside is not really happy and like to rebel then just follow your partner dictates as if you are losing your own self then have to changes for him to be approve with lot of restriction which i think you do not like to happen to you as i do.
• Philippines
1 Dec 09
You're right... If you're ready for a relationship, I believe that everything will go smoothly between you and your partner even if there are odds. But if you're not yet into it, you will only find yourself fighting---being a rebel. It's not good. I hate people who criticizes single people, pretending that being with someone is better than being alone. duh!
@x_Jo_x (1042)
4 Oct 09
Aww this sounds very complicated! I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all! Im a bit like that, I had a bad experience with one guy and now im very hesitant about the next one. And also he's worried about rushing me and stuff,so its a bit difficult! I think that when you are ready you will let people closer to you, and when you find the right guy it will just happen. There is absolutly no point just going out with a guy for the sake of it, to stop people teasing and making comments. Like you say, your only 21! What does it matter to them! And its your life anyway! Live it for you - not anyone else! Youve got your whole life ahead of you and i guarentee you, you will meet someone eventually! Maybe your just not ready to make that sort of commitment, thats why you avoid the calls of guys that you know like you. It feels really horrible when you dont like the guy but they are texting you really flirty stuff or phoning you up. I dont blame you at all for avoiding them! If you like them though, then you should just be honest with them. Say you do like them, but want to take things very slowely because you dont think your ready for a proper relationship yet. Just hang out a bit more with each other and spend quality time together and hopefully in time you will feel ready to let them a bit closer to you! I wish you the best of luck! I hope you manage to find a guy who is really get and loves you and you love them and then you can let them close to you!
• Philippines
5 Oct 09
thank you... this really helps. you know, there was even a time that i tried to feel like i'm inlove with this guy-subconciously unaware that i'm actually just showing up so that others will think that i finally have someone. but then, i just end up like hurting myself more. the guilt feeling hurts more,you know. and in the end, i just realize that this guy isn't even worth the trust i gave him. so...the scary thinking about relationship/commitment started again. it's like you tried to start on trusting someone only to realize that he's not worth it. is it karma? whoah! i feel i'm really that bad. thanks for your encouragements. i'm delighted!