Not sure if i should find/look for my father. I need help/advise/ suggestions

United States
December 1, 2009 7:09pm CST
I'm 21 years old and do not know who my father is. I have never seen him or heard his voice. The only thing i know is his name and that he had sisters (so i have aunts) I'm use to not having a father... i made myself numb to all this and have teached myself not to even think about how i feel about it. That all changed a few days ago... i had a dream about him and now i cants sleep and its all i think about. Right now i don't want to know him... or meet him right now i just want to find him so i can get a look at him. My mother is the only one that can help me do this but does not like talking about it. I know it hurts her and makes her uncomfortable. In me entire life we have only talked about him maybe 3 times... for a total of 15-20 mins. One time she told me he didn't know about me and she just left because she didn't love him, the next time she said my aunts new she was pregnant and could have told him and she wasn't sure, the next time she told me he did know about me and that she left when she was pregnant but then after i was born went to his house and he said i don't want her good luck. she said that it was the truth but she lied before so i wouldnt get hurt. I don't know what i believe. I'm scared she left because he hurt her or thought he was a bad guy. I'm scared he has no clue about me and its not his fault and my mother has done this to me. I'm scared if i find him i'll want to more than just look at him... what if i want to talk to him... what if he doesn't want to... what if he wants more than i want. I'm scared i'll her my mother. I'm scared i'll care. I'm scared I'm going to get hurt if i do this. I have spent my whole life acting like this didn't happen and it didn't bother me. i forced myself to hide it, and ignore it if it ever came up. I'm totally lost.
1 response
@Mirsya (521)
• Indonesia
2 Dec 09
You have a very complicated problem. There only two choices for you, trying to find your father or not. I think it doesn't matter you find him or not if you have a beautiful life to go through. I mean, finding him doesn't mean that your life is getting better or something. So, move on a and have a good life! "some questions are better not be answer"
• United States
2 Dec 09
Maybe your right... its just something inside me that like needs to know. I don't know if i'm strong enough to walk away from this... hell i don't know if i'm strong enough to find him. Its a lose lose situation. Thank you :)