I have a problem & i have no clue what to do. I need suggestions, help, advise

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I'm 21 years old and don't know who my father is. I have never heard his voice or seen even a pic of him. The only thing i know is his name and that he had sisters (so i have aunts) I'm used to not having a father I've made myself numb to all this and have teached myself to not care and not even think about it. If for some reason it came up I'm avoid it. This all changed when i had a dream about him a few nights ago. Now i cant stop thinking about him and i cant sleep. Plus I'm really emotional and depressed. Right now i don't want to know him- know him. I would like to see him with out him knowing. In the perfect situation i would find a pic of him online or something and that would be that. My mother is the only one who can help me but doesn't like to talk about it at all. I know it hurts her and makes her really uncomfortable. In my entire life we've only talked about him like 3 times for a total of 15-20 mins. One of the times she told me she just left him when she was pregnant because she didn't love him and he treated her bad and he wouldn't be a good father and that he doesn't know i even exist. Another time she said she left him before i was born but everyone knew she was pregnant... but she didn't directly tell him but she assumes he knows. Another time she told me she left when she was pregnant and after i was born she went and found him at his house (with me in her arms) and he said he didnt want me and good luck (so he knows about me) i don't know what to believe or what to do. I'm scared she left for a bad reason... maybe he hit her, or he was a bad guy, or he really didn't want me, or he did drugs or something. And she did all this (was a single mom and had to work non stop) to portect me Or maybe shes trying to hide the fact that she just didn't love him so she didn't want to be tied to him so she left him. Which would mean he didn't do anything wrong he just honestly doesn't know about me. I'm scared I'll get hurt no matter what i do. I could hurt my mom, or my "father" doing this as well. I've suppressed all this for so long I'm sacred that when what ever happen happens nothing will be the same. fyi i posted something similar to this in a wrong category and my friend told me to resubmit it in life because I'd get help (only got two responses on the other post)