Friends Needing to Change
By nvdbball27
@nvdbball27 (117)
United States
December 26, 2009 1:13pm CST
Okay, well I have been friends with this kid since first grade and I think he needs to change a bit. I just think he needs to grow up a bit more. He is in his last year of college and he just doesn't seem to get it. Instead of using his degree he has these weekly fantasies of doing something else with his life. One week its I want to move out west and stay out there and do what our other friend does which is being a worker for the national parks out there like Yosemitte or however you spell it. Then the following week he is happy being here and wants to do cohogging. It is just one fantasy after the other and I just feel enough is enough. 1 year left in school and its time to get serious. I mean I would support his idea if he actually was like hey I am going to do such and such and thats what I want, but when you switch ideas every week it is hard for me to support it. Plus I mean the guy doesn't have a job and just gets money off its parents who pay for everyting for him. They pay for his apartment, his car insurance, his cell phone, his food, and even his gas. When is it time for him to take responsibility for his own life and make his own man rather than just getting what he can off his parents. I don't know maybe it's just me because of how I was brought up in a manner where everything I wanted or needed I had to get and earn myself. I had a job at 15 and was making money while he had a job for the first time when he was 21 and worked as a reserve staff at this residential home and could put in for as many hours as he wanted and usually worked no more than 7 hours every two weeks for the most part. I told him the other day he needs to smarten up and start getting serious about his life. He seemed kind of mad/upset I told him that, but isn't that what friends are for to help them out with guidance and all that. Am I wrong for questioning his fantasies that he has or am I do the right thing by telling him that he needs to actually start getting serious about his life? You figure after college maybe after taking the summer off if you decide to that he would go out there and find a job and save up some cash first before you really decide hey I want to move or do this since you need money to do those things. While living in California would be nice I tired explaining that moving from the east coast to the west coast would cost a good amount of money between getting there and moving all his stuff, finding an apartment, furnishing it, getting another car since his is almost dead, and all the other expenses that come with living on your own. He didn't want to hear any parts of it thinking it would cost him no more than just gas money to drive out there. I know differently though because I have been told it by a few people that have done it. I'm just curious on your ideas about this. Was I wrong in how I went about it or was I being a good friend in telling him to grow up and that he needs to get serious about his life? Any words of advice would be good.
1 person likes this
2 responses
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
27 Dec 09
I had a job at 15 and was making money while he had a job for the first time when he was 21 and worked as a reserve staff at this residential home and could put in for as many hours as he wanted and usually worked no more than 7 hours every two weeks for the most part.
From the sounds of it, he never NEEDED to get a job since he is apparently coddled by his parents...Which of course will end up blowing up in all their faces sadly...(I've known ppl like htat in my life and it ALWAYS ends up biting them in the rump)
I told him the other day he needs to smarten up and start getting serious about his life.
Is that HOW you put it? if so then you're choice of words or the way you went about it was a mistake
He seemed kind of mad/upset I told him that, but isn't that what friends are for to help them out with guidance and all that.
yes friends should be supportive and caring and suggest that one make changes...but giving unasked for advice is ALWAYS a risky thing...You can "put the bug in his ear" but you have no right to TELL HIM what to do..He's a grown man and though yu are a loving, caring friend you arent his parent ya know
Am I wrong for questioning his fantasies that he has or am I do the right thing by telling him that he needs to actually start getting serious about his life?
yes and no....Questioning his fantasies in a way that makes him think about how realistic or non-realistic they are (such as saying to him when he brings it up things like "so how you going to go about doing it?" - asking gentle questions that will make him think) is fine BUT if you are questioning in a way that may come across to him as though you are mocking him or making him feel foolish is a big fat no no...SUGGEESTING to him that maybe he should get on his feet first before jumping into his fanasties is fine BUT basically telling him he is an immature fool (regardless of how its worded) is a big fat no no..
Bottomline IMO is this...yes you can voice your concerns and such with ppl like htat BUT youhave to realize that becuase he's been coddled by his parents most likely for his entire life he WILL NOT see the world the way you do...Maybe you dont have parents that will bail you out at every turn or take care of you (though it really ISNT) financially in every way shape or form (be thankful for that) but he obviously does so his views on the world and life, growing up, being responsible etc are very twisted in comparison to those of us who HAVE had to grow up and act like adults....Make sense?
@nvdbball27 (117)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Well I summed up what I basically said to him. I wasn't like dude you need to smarten up and get serious about your life because being that blunt would have been wrong. For the sake of getting out all the information needed quickly I just got to the point.
@nvdbball27 (117)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Well I summed up what I said to him, I wasn't that blunt. And you are right, I am not his parent so how I look at it I was giving him friendly advice. The guy wants to be an adult and get on with things in his life, but how are you going to do that without actually starting up a career. What was the point of going to school if he wasn't going to use his degree? In that case why would someone waste their time doing it? My suggestions on what to do pissed him off, not the way I said it. And I wasn't telling him what to do I was suggesting better routes to take. At the end of the day he is going to do what he wants to do. My whole point I was trying to get across to him was listen when are you going to take responsibility for your life and start earning things on your own. I think I did that in a way were obviously he didn't get completely pissed cause he nixed it off and is talking to me but in a way of suggesting not telling. Like his idea of moving out west. I said it is unrealistic for you fresh out of college to make a move to california without having any work experience and with no money saved up to make that move. At the end of the day I agree it is his choice and he will do what he wants, but I just think it is a bad idea since who is going to give him a job with little to no work experience. I just think it is going to turn out bad for him and I expressed that to him the best way I could and to try to avoid it I threw out suggestions not demanding or telling like a parent.
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
2 Jan 10
bottomline is, that as much as you or anyone else can give him suggestion after suggestion and good ones I'm sure, its up to HIM to do the work...SOME PPL have to hit their personal rock bottom before being able to do that and unfortunately if his parents are continuously helping him out etc he will NEVER hit that rock bottom..he may say on the surface that he WANTS to grow up or whatever BUT at the same time he knows in the back of his mind that he really doesnt NEED to becuase someones got his back...
You gave him suggestions, you voiced your opinion and concerns and basically thats all you can do...the rest is up to him...Just hope for the best ya know..
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi, nvdbball27. You are not wrong in trying to talk some sense into your friend. He does need to get his act together so that he can be a better man for himself in life. He needs to be mature enough to handle responsibility so that he can learn the ropes of the real world. He needs to think smart so that nothing will back fire on him in the end. Continue to stay talking some sense into him. I hope that after all of your talking he will change his way of thinking. Not thinking smart can get a person into big trouble instantly or down the line someday.
You are a great friend and don't you ever forget that! He should be a great friend to you by at least taking heed to your advice and trying to at least follow it.
You are a great friend and don't you ever forget that! He should be a great friend to you by at least taking heed to your advice and trying to at least follow it.