Am I wrong to hate my mother

@chulce (1540)
United States
January 22, 2010 8:47am CST
Over the years as I have watched my sisters grow into the young women that they are; I have grown to resent and hate my mother. Yes, I do love her and I do respect her for giving me life, but I hate and resent some of the many things that she has done while I was growing up. You see, there are several years between me and my younger siblings. As a matter of fact there are almost 7 years difference. Growing up, my parents were always strict with me. I couldn't do a lot of the things that my friends did, for example, having a late cerfew, (yeah right, I was home by 8pm), or how about having a nice sweet treat after school, (nope not gonna happen), a new dress or other clothing (nope, I got hand me downs from the neighbors children or from my cousins). Or how about recognition for something that I had done that made me feel proud, an honor that I received in school for placing in a competition that was state wide. (She couldn't even tell me congratulations, she was actually mad that she had to come pick me up after I returned from the competition.) It was a lot of little similar aspects that really hurt me and made me feel as if my mother wasn't proud of me or wanted to be around me. Now, after I was a senior in high school and my siblings were still primary school, I watched as my mother would praise them for things, would give them special clothes and share with them things for special occasions. I cried as my mother wrapped her arms around one of my sisters and told her how proud she was of her and how much she loved her. Or how about when my sister was 5 hours late returning home from being out with friends. No punishment given as she wondered in the house. For me 3 minutes late I was grounded for a month. Or my other sister who had been out drinking with her teen-age friends all night and smelled horribly of alcohol as she stumbled into my parents home. My mother smiling and asking if she had a good time? I really am happy that my mother did show feelings for my siblings and show that she cared for them. But, what happened with me? Why couldn't she do the same for me? Does she hate me that much? Is she that angry that she had me? During my early teen-age years, I would take care of my siblings, I had to help raise them. If there were events going on in my life, I would have to post-pone things or not attend because I was forced to take care of my siblings as my parents would go and do what they felt was important. When my parents were both out of work and I had a small part-time job, I had to pay the bills and make sure that we didn't loose our home, I was the one that put food on the table and managed to keep my grades up while still in college. Not once did my mother ever thank me, not once did my mother ever say she was proud that I could manage all of that for them. I actually feel bad that I hate my mother for the way she treated me and still does. I call often to see how the family is doing, but feel that I should not have to do this. I feel that my mother needs to take some sort of effort to show that she does care about me as well, that she has enough respect for me. Here I am now a grown woman, each of my children are given the respect they each deserve, praises for all of their hard work and accomplishments. How did I become the better mother? Is it wrong for me to think that I am doing a better job than my mother did with me? Should I hate her because of the way she raised me?
5 responses
• United States
22 Jan 10
I am 12 years older than my brother. I was raised an only child for 11 years. She was strict with me and money was tight. When she remarried and had my brother, things changed. He got away with anything and go whatever he wanted. I could never have time just me and my mom because he was around or my stepdad was around. He had 2 boys of his own that were older than me and they could have gotten away with murder. They were so spoiled it was ridiculous. I've questioned myself many times on my feelings for my mother. How she never made time for me. How I had to rely on others or myself for anything. How I had to pass on college to take care of her when she was sick and didn't even get a thank you for it. She was my mother and I did love her, very much. But I would question how it was possible to love someone so much and hate them so much at the same time. It's a hard situation to be in. My advice to you would be to try to make it work. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. That is something I never did and I regret it every day. Also think of the positive. You are a better mother to your children because of her. You have learned from her mistakes.
@chulce (1540)
• United States
22 Jan 10
Wow, sounds like I have found someone that understands how I feel. Please don't get me wrong I do have a lot of love for my mother, I am thankful that she brought me into this world and that I did get some time with her. I always felt as if she and my father created two separate families, one with me and the other with my sisters. I have felt this way for a very long time, I really feel it is because of the age differences and the way they were raised versus the way I was. Maybe she actually felt bad about the way she treated me and decided that she needed to do things differently with my siblings. Although, look where that got her, all 3 of them stayed living there with she and my father until they were into their 30's and had started families.
• United States
22 Jan 10
I totally understand where you are coming from. The blows kept coming even after she was gone. With her life insurance, my brother literally got 6x's more than I did. Don't get me wrong, it's not about the money. It's the point. I gave up everything when I was 18 to take care of her. My education got put aside. My job was affected. And in the end, when it was all said and done, my brother got a bigger thank you than I did. I still cannot afford college but my brother that doesn't even want to go has enough sitting in a trust to pay for several years.
30 May 10
Jealousy can be a green eyed monster. Let your sister ask you herself, not your mother. Then if your sister ask for help, then you can examine the situation yourself. But probably not as bad as they claim. I find that parents get more lenient with the younger ones. The oldest one they expect so much more, that is probably what your situation is all about. Look up birth order. Maybe you ought to take a break from talking to her for awhile if she is getting defensive when you try to bring up problems. Let them think on it. Just do your own thing, hobbies, but most of all concentrate on your own family (husband and children.) Good Luck
@chulce (1540)
• United States
30 May 10
Thanks for the response. Well, I just finished spending part of the weekend with my mother. She came to visit for my son's graduation. However, she didn't attend the graduation, instead, she acted as if she were extremely ill, which many of us in the family know other wise. My father says she likes to guilt everyone into thinking she is very sick or that she has massive problems with her breathing. It was interesting to watch her do her acting bit, this weekend and the way everyone reacted to her when she did it. Most of the time everyone ignored her. Even my in-laws could tell that she was acting out a lot of her illness. They could tell that with effort, she is perfectly all right. That is something that my mother doesn't put forth, effort. She wants everyone to do everything for her. Even as a child I was the one that cleaned her home, I was the one that cooked and took care of my sisters. She didn't but, she would complain to my father that she did it all. He knew who did.
• Philippines
21 Feb 10
Yes, it is wrong to hate our mother even if she's the most terrible mother ;-)learn how to accept people for what they are... simply accept your mother for what she is. That's ALL ;-)
@chulce (1540)
• United States
30 May 10
Thanks, for the suggestion. It has been quite difficult to accept her. Most of which is because of the way she treats everyone else around her. She is constantly demanding of everyone to be respectful to her, but she never shows respect in return. If you do something nice for her, she acts as if it was owed to her in the first place. My mother is the type of person that acts as if everyone should be at her beck and call but never really help in return. I guess over the years, I have become more irritated by the way she acts and thus, it has become more difficult to accept.
@elly1384 (353)
• Bulgaria
22 Jan 10
hi i hated my mom`s thinking about everything but now i am amother of son and i make my mistakes
@chulce (1540)
• United States
22 Jan 10
I agree, I have made my mistakes as well, but, I think because I watched how my mother was, I wanted to make sure that my kids actually felt respect for me and wanted me in their lives. Which is what I have done with my boys. We spend a lot of great family time together. This is something I will miss when they are on their own. I only hope that with the bonds that I have created with my sons it will make them want to visit often.
@thebestmom (1100)
• Philippines
22 Jan 10
why dont you talk to her, maybe there is something that you should know? but still , do not hate her, because no matter what happens, she is still your mother and she raised you up. maybe she doesnt realize that she treats you that way. so have a heart to heart talk. goodluck!!
@chulce (1540)
• United States
22 Jan 10
I have talked to her on several occasions, she gets very defensive and then just walks away. It is as if she regrets even having me. I know that she doesn't realize that she treats me the way she does, or maybe she does and just doesn't know how to change it. I actually talked to her this morning and she attempted to pull on my sympathy strings. She is upset because one of my siblings and her family are now living with them and she is now asking me to help by giving money to my sister and her family so that they can get back on their feet. I told her that I didn't feel it was my place or responsibility to dig my sister out of the mess she was in.