My former boyfriend came back, what should I do?

Philippines
May 5, 2010 11:45am CST
During my college years, I had a boyfriend and we had been together for more than 2 years not until he was petitioned by his parents to continue his studies in Canada. We had discussed this issue ever since the start of our relationship and both of us felt sad knowing that time will come for us to live in a separate world. It was the second semester of our third year when he already have to leave. We spent a lot of time together and made sure that the last days we have together will be full of happy memories. We both promised to each other to finish our studies then when the time comes he will be back for me. All we need is to have trust with each other. He even opened a bank account for both of us and he made sure that we will still have a perfect communication. To cut the story short, we separated with tears in our eyes. It was then when I felt how much we love each other. During the first 3 months, we had a communication that we called perfect but as time goes by our communication dropped to zero. I tried my best to contact him but I never had responses from him. He would just text occasionally but once I text him back he never replied and it breaks my heart. I cried for days and I promised myself to put him behind and move on. Those days were too heavy for me not until my mom told me to join a day Life in a Spirit Seminar. I was hesitant at first but later on I accepted my mom's advice. The seminar was very touching and very spiritual. It also helped me a lot to move on. Six months after my boyfriend left for Canada, I met this guy through a common friend and you know what, he seems familiar. Yes, he was in the seminar I attended as well. Then to cut the story short, we fell in love with each other. After one year without communication with my former boyfriend, one day he just sent me an email saying he's back and he even sent me a sms message. He told he wants to see me before leaving again. Though I wanted so much to see him because I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, I got scared that my present boyfriend might know this though he knew about my life before I met him. I decided not to respond to him, but one day he saw me with one of my friend. I don't know but we ended up talking with each other in a quiet bar. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream but I tried my best to keep calm. I listened to him and he listened to me. He ended up saying "I want you back". Then he left again and I cried when he left though I didn't accompany him to the airport anymore. I felt sad, very sad. My boyfriend noticed this but I made excuses. I never told him about my former boyfriend but he learned about it from my friend and he ended confronting me. Until now, my former boyfriend keeps on calling and it bothers me a lot. I realized I still love him but I also love this man I have now even though he cheated on me once. We are planning to get married next year but until now, I still love this guy who left me six years ago. I told him that I'm going to marry this man I have now and he told me he wanna marry me this year. What should I do? If you were in my situation, whom will you choose? It bothers me a LOT! Sometimes I want to hide. Help me clear my mind Please! Thanks!
1 person likes this
10 responses
@wxdwam (43)
• China
6 May 10
Hi: In my views,you should accept this man you have now.please believe your fate. I comprehend you still love the former,but he couldn't keep his word.You need to learn quit.With that you could get true love.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 May 10
I am in a situation in where I have a lot of "what if's". What if I choose my former boyfriend, will he leave me hanging again? What if I choose my boyfriend now, would he cheat on my again? What if I have chosen the wrong guy, will I end up regretting for the rest of my life? These are some questions I cannot answer BUT I need to answer.
1 person likes this
@wxdwam (43)
• China
8 May 10
my god.I only want to tell that you have to choose,which couldn't hurt more people.
@aguas_aj (501)
• Philippines
6 May 10
they are all right. you know who you love most. you're just afraid to lose one or take the wrong guy..I been in that situation.. and there is only one quote, i always believe in, "I'd rather marry the one i cant live without than the man I can live with".. coz in the long run, no matter how imperfect your marriage will be, you would always stick with the person you love most than the person you think loves you more..The 2nd best may not hurt you much, but definitely you wouldnt have much forgiveness and love than the one you truly care for.. Don't be afraid to take a plunge. Life is short to be spend with just someone you dont really really love.. In Tagalog, "Iba ang mahalaga, sa mahal"
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 May 10
I remember the song I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else I'd rather be beside you i a storm, than safe and warm by myself I'd rather have hard times together than to have easy apart I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.. - Luther Vandross - Maybe you're right, maybe I'm just afraid to lose and regret.
1 person likes this
@athinapie (1152)
• Philippines
6 May 10
Hey there! Wow! Looks like you have a pretty complicated situation in your hands. Well I think that this is one point in your life wherein you have to get away from everything in order to reflect on who between the two should you choose. I suggest taking a vacation for a couple of days, or weeks if you still can't make a decision in order for you to reflect and clear your mind. And for you to really think and make the right decision. And hopefully you will be able to come up with the best decision on who should you choose between your two lovers.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 May 10
I really want to have at least a week off but since I am working online, my employer won't allow me and I hated him because he's adding up to my frustrations. I tried everything I could to escape from my situation but still I find myself thinking of what I could do best. During my time off, I play billiards to clear up my mind. I would play 5 straight hours alone. These days, I hate to have someone with me. They are making everything worst. I should not have brought this here in myLot but I just want to take the chance to see what people who I don't know tell me. Its' better this way than having all of your friends around with their own opinion, it's a noisy way of discussion and I'm irritated at times.
1 person likes this
• Cyprus
5 May 10
Hey aphrodite! You should look into your heart... neither of the two guys is a safe solution in my mind, for many reasons. Of course no guy is a safe bet, but you should go with the odds for something this big (marriage). So plan ahead, think hard and test a lot. One has cheated you (although it might have been the only time) and one wasn't responding to you, when god knows what he was doing when he was away, which again could have been nothing, or just a bad time for him. If you don't like the fact that he is bothering you, then that's a different issue, that should be sorted out, once you realize what/who you want for you. I don't want to lead you, you should think for your self, it's better that way, even mistakes will make you stronger. But here are a few facts, "what you don't know wont hurt you" (old boyfriend) which also might turn out to be nothing as I said. What you do know (current boyfriend), might make you feel even worst if you think back, and regret decisions of the past. Both go both ways of course, and for both the boyfriends... Good luck!
@elvira1 (101)
• Philippines
5 May 10
Hi Aphrodite, Trancemaker is right. Think hard. Look into your heart and listen what it says. Sort out things well. Never go for the second best. Be brave in choosing your love. Your heart knows who you love more. Weigh things thoroughly. No need to hurry things as it might lead you to a big mistake. Take your time but never procrastinate. Good luck and God bless you.
1 person likes this
@rudyro (110)
• Romania
6 May 10
This might seem indeed a very difficult situation. But, more simply put, you have to choose between a guy that dumped you when he was abroad (probably because he had another relationship there) and a guy that cheated on you (when you were togheter). Although, ultimately, you need to decide on which man is better for you, now, and in the long-run, take into consideration the fact that some risks are worth taking and pay off - others end is catastrophy and heartache. You should know that one of the risks you're going to take are to be dumped again and cheated again. My advice is to think very carefully about the decision you're going to make. Don't rush into it and don't decide for reasons that aren't valid or rock solid. You just need to follow your heart and your gut. Either way, you are probably going to hurt someone. You need to make sure that you are 100% sure about your decision and that you don't beat around the bush. Once you choose one man, stick with him. Don't lead the other guy or make him think he has a chance. That above would be my oppinon as a friend. However, my oppinion as a man, would be to forget them both and go for another one. I had many - too many relationships and I know that when a man cheats on a woman, or dumps her for another, well... and she accepts him back, he won't respect her for that. And sooner or later, he will go chasing passion in the arms of another.
1 person likes this
• Nigeria
6 May 10
hi, my advice for you will be that you should allow that your boyfriend back because allthings really depends on love if you guys do really love each other then i think you shouldallow him back but if otherwise then i think you should not allow him cause of the future. youguys may end up divorcingt yourself then that is not agood one.but every thing really depends on love
1 person likes this
@Ladyslipper (1330)
• Philippines
6 May 10
Hmmm... This is a tough situation. I understand how very confused you are right now. I think that the best way to make a good decision is to clear your mind and sort things out first. You need to be on your own so you can think and feel freely without any pressure or distraction from any of the two guys. Getting into marriage is something serious. You have to make sure who and what you really want before you invlove your self in this contract.
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
6 May 10
Nobody is coercing you to accept the deal that life has thrown at you, but without the higher wisdom to accept that certain things in life are uncontrollable, we will always lead a life of misery because we will constantly be assailed with such phenomenon in life. One can be emotional, but one cannot indulge in self pity. The latter only seek to degenerate your mind and spirit, which you will find it ridiculously arduous to piece them together once such insidious value has sunk deep roots. Firstly, you don’t aim for success without having to accept your circumstances from within because success often slipped from a person who can’t grasp properly. Paradoxically speaking, it is like telling a person to run when he/she doesn’t know how to use his/her legs for it. If you are unable to manage yourself internally, forget about the success you so dream or speak of and want so badly. Success goes to the person who gains self mastery and self mastery first begins from self acceptance. Surely, nobody said it is easy to move on, especially since your situation involved an involuntary separation of circumstances. But in the essence, it is the same as those who have broken up inevitably because similar depression derived from the inability to continue the mutual relationship in a meaningful fashion. The essence of such phenomenon denotes the impermanence of love, in which once the universal lesson is taught, the existence of the person will naturally disappear. The nature of such a relationship is often karmic and until we gain the necessary wisdom to pierce through this illusion that masked itself as ‘true love’ in our context, we will never be able to release ourselves from this emotional bondage. Our learning in love is a series of stages; each relationship does not exist individually as finality to the whole, much more than a mere part within the intricate system. You don’t exactly possess love in a way you do for physical objects; it only seeks to teach, while you humbly learn or reject what it has to offer. By rejecting or denying your circumstance, it only creates a position where you would face emotional torment from the futile resistance, bleeding in greater amount until clarity appears. To help you let me provide some personal analytic to help you see another perspective and hopefully gain a clearer understanding of yourself. For your first boyfriend who went to Canada to study, as much as you would like to think that you been through a lot of emotional times with him, it's more of how much you needed him than he needed you in reality. You see, he could effectively survive through his life rather uneventfully, even without your presence. In my experience I've met with such feigns and simply understand what's in their minds, so let me be very brutally honest about him. He needs the title of being 'single', so as to be 'socially eligible' in his community that values monogamy, to date other girls without being branded as a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He is exceptionally nice to you in private because he has a hidden agenda and he doesn't want to reveal to anybody, in any ways. Basically he wants to avoid putting himself in situations where he would be 'questioned' by another person. No question hence no answer needed. He likes to be in the driver's seat where he likes to know everything about you whilst you simply does not have any inkling idea about him at his end. As for your current boyfriend, let me very straightforward here, where I simply could believe that a relationship can move on without trust and mutual love. I do not blame you for being suspicious and unable to trust him fully after what he had done. Betrayal is just the lowest and meanest deed to kill any relationship and yours is no exception. There is always a danger in loving someone and not realizing if there was the love you thought it was when you first acquired it. You must understand that people are not responsible for your gains and falls, so you must learn to pick yourself up and keep walking, even if it means having to cut yourself several times over and over again. Let me offer you a friendly advice here, leave these 2 aside and move on. Don't accept this as some kind of destiny of your life as you just deserve better or otherwise the best in this life. You have choices especially when you everything is on your side. Take care.
• Philippines
6 May 10
Thank you for this. I secretly dated this guy a month ago, we went out twice. I decided to see and to test myself if I still have interest in some other guys. At first, I felt somewhat nervous but I convince myself to try. I want to see how it feel to start all over again. He was my friend's friend. I saw him once in my best friend's party last December and he got my number from my friend. Though I told him I was not interested in having a relationship with him besides I have someone already, still he tried sending sms messages when he feels like doing so. The first time we went out together, honestly I felt happy and I will say yes the next time he will ask me out again. The second time, I said yes but there was no third time anymore. Why? Because I see him as a happy go lucky guy. He still loves to party, you know those kind of stuffs. I'm done with those things and if ever I will have someone new, I want him to be more mature than me. After all, I ended up dealing with these two guys I have. Dating that guy didn't help though I enjoyed his company.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
7 May 10
Frankly, I think you need to really take things one step at a time and in perspective. I see that you are still pursuing your academics which I feel should precede your social life. Look, I am not hurling stones on a fallen soul but I just hope you would concentrate on your priorities. Also, I would recommend that you recover yourself emotionally before you venture further with your social life. A perfect relationship is never by birthright; it always forged through understanding, compromising and maturity by imperfect partners ourselves. Only by breaking down the emotional barriers we have put in place for love and love with wisdom, would our higher consciousness attract the best possible mate in the same wavelength and make that into reality for us. Don't rush and as in one of Phil Collins songs: "You Can't Hurry Love".
• Philippines
6 May 10
Hello... I just want to know if the reasons your former boyfriend gave you why he did not bother to communicate with you were valid. You just have to weigh things out. Maybe you really love the first guy but you are afraid to take the chances since you don't want to get hurt again. On the other hand, you may want to hang on with the other (2nd) guy because you feel that he was there when you needed someone to hold and to love at the same time, you don't want to hurt the your current boyfriend because you know the feelings of being rejected. Just pray and ask HIM for guidance to lead you on the correct decision. Good luck and God bless!
• Philippines
6 May 10
His reason is that he wants to see how far we can go without communications. He kind of test our relationship. He told me that he knew that I have a new boyfriend after learning from his cousin. I don't know but during the time that we had no communication, he knew a lot about me. I asked him how did he knew about it but he never mentioned any name. I guess someone is taking track on everything I am doing and channeling it to him. I'm not sure but it's the only answer I could think for now.
• Philippines
6 May 10
If that is the case, If you can bear it, try to ask for a space. Leave them both and explain your side to them that you are confused about your situation. Try to look for a perfect man, the one who will love and care for you and will never hurt you intentionally... You can do it girl!!!! Goodluck....
• United States
8 Jun 10
Hi there, I would say sit down for an hour or two and think long and hard. Why does guy #1 keep running away? Does he want you to follow him to Canada? Is there a reason why he can't stay here in the states? He may be wanting you to come with him to Canada to meet his folks? I mean there must be a reason why he keeps coming back to you, because he sounds as though he can't get you outta his head and that no other girl seems to compare to you. Sounds as though he is still inlove with you. Find out from guy #1 why he keeps leaving? I feel like he needs to give you some answers. Ask him all the questions that are on your mind. Be blunt but in a nice way with him and ask him how he feels about you and why he keeps coming back to you and what he plans on doing about it. Don't ask him if he loves you, you want to get him to tell you from his own mouth how he feels about you. If he says he's inlove with you and you truly feel he's inlove with you then take a chance with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and what's on your mind. This way all the feelings are out there on the table. Then you can work out the living arrangements if he gave you a firm commitment like a marriage proposal. Don't move in with him until you guys are married. This way if things don't work out you don't have the hassle of trying to move your stuff outta his house or him trying to move his stuff outta your house. As far as boyfriend #2 I'm sorry there's no second thoughts or chances on cheaters. But that's just me.