In Love with a Ghost
August 8, 2010 11:34pm CST
A little over a year ago my boyfriend, whom I was very much in love with was murdered. What a way to start a discussion, right? Well, anyways, it has been over a year and I just recently started to try dating again, only to find that acceptance has become my hugest obstacle. Once I get to a point where I decide I like someone enough to actually pursue a relationship I openly admit I will always be in love with my boyfriend that passed away, it's not like he is a threat considering he has passed away, but I will always love and respect him and I really need for my significant other to understand and if not at least respect that. Am I asking too much?
2 people like this
9 Aug 10
You are not asking too much, if you completely asking is for understanding your situation. I just remember a movie about Ghost, I guess its Phoebe Cates who is starring in that movie. Anyways once you fully achieve the stage of acceptance you are good to go to have another relationship. Just recently when I have a discussion with my beau. He told me that he is reading a book about the 5 stages of Grief. He told me that its: Denying, bargaining, admitting, then acceptance. Sorry I forgot the other factors. I guess you are not in the stages of acceptance yet. Better to achieve that stage first before engaging yourself to go on for another relationship.
9 Aug 10
Loneliness makes us really crazy. I also dont know what is the effective way to surpass things going on with your life. But definitely its not about having another relationship. Somehow makes yourself busy with a lot of things so that you would not notice that you already surpass those things.
10 Aug 10
Hmmm. I would think that I get your point, although, I understand why some guys are not okay with it. I mean, I wouldn't want to be sharing my boyfriend with the ghost of his ex right? I think they should understand that your ex will always have a place in your heart, but you should let go, because it may reach a point where you compare all the guys to your ex, and there'll be noone who would ever compare to him.
• United States
11 Aug 10
First of all, thank everyone for your great feedback. As for those who are insinuating that I should "stop loving" by passed loved one, that make absolutely no sense to me, and I honestly do not feel right calling him my ex, as we never broke up. You can't stop loving someone just because you want to, and although time does heal all it will never make me stop loving this person, it will just make it easier to hide and maybe on my mind less.
10 Aug 10
Hi misscadillac, I am sorry to hear that. I think it is time to give up everything you had for your boyfriend. I know it won't be easy to do that but you will have to, someday. It's okay to keep those memories you have about him, but you can't say you still love him, you will have to let go of that feeling if you really want to move on and have someone else to be with. Now this depends on the other person too.. But if you are getting into your next relationship, you will have to let go of your late boyfriend and give your best to your new one. It would have been a different thing if you would have been married to him and still wanted to love him, you would have remained as a single.. But now it's time to move on and it's time to tell you just loved someone and he passed away and that was a sad but not the end, move on.. All the best dear friend.
10 Aug 10
First let me say that i am very sorry for your experience. But yes, it is asking too much when you ask someone to accept that there is someone else that you love more, or even equally. The person in your new relationship wants to be the only one- and rightfully so. Maybe you're not ready for new relationships yet.
9 Aug 10
No, Your just showing how much you in love with this guy even he passed away your still in love with him its good to brought you this to us. But he needs you to be happy again and for sure he don't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life that he wanted you to do that. The best thing you do right now is to move on find someone which can revive your happiness. Show him that your happy and strong don't let him give any worries. Cheer up....
9 Aug 10
It is okay to cherish those memories and to respect and love him but not to the extent that you're going to commit your self to him. You have your own life and you have the right to be happy with someone else and your ex doesn't want to see you holding back your feelings because of him. He'll be happy wherever he is right now to see you in love again. It's okay to share you emotions towards happened to your ex but you have to set a limitation because they are also human and you are only giving them a reason to let go of you because you're giving them a hint that you are not fully recovered and not ready to love again. In that way you can't find a serious partner. If you are not ready for another relationship, don't force your self, you're only looking for someone to patch that hole. You both get hurt. Don't cheat your self.
9 Aug 10
I am sorry for what happened to you. It must have been very traumatic. But I think you are holding on to his memories more because he is no more. When someone you love passes away, we tend to do that. You will keep loving him, you can talk about what happened to your significant other, but sweety, you have a life now and it is always advisable not to go overboard. It will take some time for those memories to fade and you will move on. Take care.