Do you think it's too soon?
By Shanegodi
@Shanegodi (44)
United States
August 27, 2010 9:41pm CST
So, this is a very odd thing to go to the internet about, but I'm seeking advice from all angles, really.
See, I've been dating this girl for about 2 years. I have just turned twenty years of age, and she is eighteen. We've lived together nearly the entire time, and get along great. She actually asked me about marriage. I went along with that, because I really like the idea, but some people don't agree with me. They say that we are too young, or that it is too soon.
I just think that we know each other pretty well. Outside of work, we've spent almost every single moment of the last couple of years together, and with no problems at all. If we argue, it's over in an instant, and is never brought up again. We always do very thoughtful things for each other, mutually (It's not one-sided). I guess what I'm trying to say is that we really don't have any relationship problems or setbacks at all. On top of that, her family seems to accept me as -the- guy, and her father said to me once (After a few drinks, to be fair) that "He loves how I treat her, and would be proud to call me his son-in-law". I'm absolutely crazy about her, and she treats me even better than that. She actually makes herself out to be lucky to have me.
Despite all of this, I'm still constantly being told that it's too soon, or that we're too young. How do you feel about this situation?
(Sorry this post is so long. I guess that makes it obvious that it's definitely a serious subject for me)
1 person likes this
12 responses
@Sha033 (29)
• United States
28 Aug 10
Well, you both are adults now and nobody knows you better than you. If you really feel like your both at an age where you both really want to settle down and be together, i would say go ahead and do so. And if her family already accepts you that's wonderful! Just make sure that you love each other enough to get married not just the idea of marriage because you already live together. I wish the best for you both, good luck.
@Shanegodi (44)
• United States
22 Mar 11
Ha, I remember this thread. so, yes, we are still together, and doing wonderfully. Still haven't gone through with marriage yet, but at this point, it's just a financial hurdle. Thank you all for your responses.
@lolo58 (54)
• United States
28 Aug 10
Lots of very good feedback - but as i read, I'm particularly impressed with "Charlene" - you're showing just a little doubt. If you take that and combine with the majority of folks suggesting to wait a little while you just may have the correct answer. There is absolutely nothing wrong in waiting. You're living together, the parents like you, you seem to have a solid foundation to your relationship. If it's strong, it'll stand the test of some time. Marriage is a fabulous institution, but like everything else in life it has it's stress points so just make sure you're prepared...Got one more question though. Would you still feel the same if you weren't living together? Reason being, although living together is living together, it's not marriage. There's something about that little piece of paper that sometimes changes people. You sound like a very nice gentleman.
@PDBME2 (1014)
• United States
28 Aug 10
I guess the rest of the world has "been there and done that". 
Sorry for the negativity everyone gives you but honestly I would have to agree to some degree. I got married the first time when I was 21. I think I didn't have the advantage you have which is that you get along. We fought all the time, and our families hated each other. Anyhow people change over time is what everyone is trying to say. Her needs might not be the same in a few years. Same for you, why have you two been living together all this time? They say the longer you live together without marriage the harder is to make marriage work. Maybe it's the fact that you are now "married" with obligations to each other that is the mind playing games on someone. I would talk to a pastor or marriage person who is a professional to maybe see if you are really ready. Believe me children will bring challenges, any doubts now might be bigger problems later. What about seeing the world or travel? I know people are negative but really look at the whole picture. On the bright side my brother in law has been with his wife since he was young and they are still together. My brother met his wife when she was 16 and they are still together, she is now 40. The good and the bad. 
Sorry for the negativity everyone gives you but honestly I would have to agree to some degree. I got married the first time when I was 21. I think I didn't have the advantage you have which is that you get along. We fought all the time, and our families hated each other. Anyhow people change over time is what everyone is trying to say. Her needs might not be the same in a few years. Same for you, why have you two been living together all this time? They say the longer you live together without marriage the harder is to make marriage work. Maybe it's the fact that you are now "married" with obligations to each other that is the mind playing games on someone. I would talk to a pastor or marriage person who is a professional to maybe see if you are really ready. Believe me children will bring challenges, any doubts now might be bigger problems later. What about seeing the world or travel? I know people are negative but really look at the whole picture. On the bright side my brother in law has been with his wife since he was young and they are still together. My brother met his wife when she was 16 and they are still together, she is now 40. The good and the bad. @PDBME2 (1014)
• United States
28 Aug 10
Well you sound like a reasonable young man. Believe me for you not to get angry at what people say is a good sign. So many young adults would be so upset thinking they are more mature than ever. Just when you get older, you really realize how immature you were at that stage in life.
My husband moved out with his first wife when he was 14 and had his first baby at 15. His ex mother in law let him move in to their home. Although he worked everyday and took on the responsibilities of an adult he now realizes "what kind of parent would let their child start living an adult life at 14?" They both started living a wild life later on and now as he looks at our kids he thanks God that they still enjoy being kids. I look at my kids and tell them that once they get into a serious relationship alot of what they hoped to do in life goes out the door, especially if a child comes along. Sometimes you give yourself a pat on the back for handling the responsibility of an adult at an early age but then you realize later on in life that "you were just a child" at that point of your life. 
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
29 Aug 10
Hiya shanegodi,
If the two of you feel the time is right to get married then go ahead. After all it´s between the two of you this love. You are not marrying your Friends you are marrying your Girlfriend.
So although you might be anxious and all that if you want to get married go and get married simple as that.
@juggerogre (1653)
• Philippines
28 Aug 10
If you think you are ready to start your own family then go ahead propose to her. Just keep in mind that being just in a relationship or just dating is very very different from being married. If you think you are financially, emotionally and spiritually ready then you should marry her. You'll just have to be ready to face bigger problems and challenges of a married couple. 
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
28 Aug 10
Relationships in general are not always easy regardless of age. Not to be a hypocrite and go along with the world, I would have to respond by saying look at your life now and ask yourself how you want to be living let say 5 - 10 years from now. Can you really handle all of the responsibilities that come forth with a life long marriage.
There are going to be a great many hiccups and those that tell you otherwise are nuts, no relationship is ever completely perfect. I would agree with Celestenicole that perhaps you should at least await one or maybe just maybe two years. There is no rule or time frame when it comes to engagement.
During the engagement period you will get a sense of yet even more time whether this is the right decision. After all you are asking and when a person has to ask there is a sense of questioning as when you know for sure you are definitely ready a person knows it and will not have to ask. Not to be negative just letting you know that life is difficult enough when single, now there will be two and later add ons.
@Shanegodi (44)
• United States
28 Aug 10
I see what you're saying. That's a very well thought-out reply. But to be honest, I'm not really questioning (myself) whether or not it's too soon. I am pretty certain that things would work. However, the opinion of others should be valued. In -most- cases, when opinions are weighed 500 to 1, the 500 are right. That's common sense. So, while I'm still pretty rooted on what I was thinking, I still do appreciate these responses, and seeing what others have to say.
I can see that you know what you're talking about, though. Thanks again for the reply.
@pinksplotch (268)
• Quezon City, Philippines
30 Aug 10
hi
thanks for sharing this - this is a very interesting discussion. here's what i think: some people indeed mature at an early age. in this case they could also get married early. because they have what it takes to make it work or have the potential to get through the life of being married.
still i think that marriage takes more than just maturity - it also takes commitment. when you finally decide to get married, i hope you're ready to stick with your decision, because i believe that marriage is a no-turning-back thing. i hope it really works out for the both of you because i'm sure in the future you don't want to hear anybody saying "i told you so" right? so if you're going to do it, do it really - i mean do everything to make it work. stick with the marriage. i'm positive that it could work for the both of you (even though you're young) because there really are some (very) few young couples who have made it. i hope you're one of these few lucky ones. best of luck!
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
28 Aug 10
You have to decide how strong your commitment really is. If you jump into a relationship at a young age, you have not explored much of life. If you are sure of your feelings and see your future with this person, then I don't think you are too young. If you have any doubts about your relationship because of your age, you need to take more time to see what is you really want.
@atv818 (1980)
• United Arab Emirates
28 Aug 10
Well, since the 2 of you had been practically living together, I feel happy for the both of you that you value the love for each other to have it sanctified by marriage. I have to warn you though that sometimes (but I hope not for both of your sakes) love fades. You better have a stable friendship so that when it does happens, you still have friendship to keep the two of you together. I'm not being negative, just realistic. Always remember to always give and take. Love each other always no matter what. I wish you both all the luck and may GOD bless you both!
@kukueye (1759)
• Malaysia
28 Aug 10
I guess young age is associated with maturality level.It is not the young issue but the level maturity suitable or not to enter into marriage.Hence it is case by case.Maybe your can set goals to get marriage first.Like wait few years like until she is 25 years old , or goal of saving money together like 50 000 dollar before getting marry.Setting goal together and achieving it will train and increase your maturity.Maybe only should get marry if your want children. Or get a house car before getting marry and such.Do not get marry because people ask your to get marry.Your are having doubt this is already a good reason not to get marry.
@dream_ozn (1754)
• Singapore
28 Aug 10
There is no hard and fast rule as to whether is it right or wrong. Whether is it too early or too late. There is no such things in relationships.
If both parties are agreeable, then why not? Since her dad accepts you, then all should be well.
It true that her being 18 seems to be a little early to get married. This is because at the age of 18, most of us are still studying. Btw, is she still a student? Being a student and working outside are 2 very different things. Our feelings, our thinking and our thoughts will all change.
Generally, most people will say that 18 and 21 years old young adults are still young. That we are too young to make decisions for our life. This is true, they just want you to be sure that you are certain that you want her for the rest of your life, and not to regret only a few years later (no offence).
I urge you to think about it seriously. Not get married just for the fun of it, but rather, you really understand the meaning of getting married, the commitment between the both of you.
@Shinobu (44)
• Singapore
28 Aug 10
If you are living together for couple of years and are very much in love with each other then go ahead. I believe if you are ready then go ahead meaning financially, mentally and emotionally. Financially because if you want to get married it means starting a family, do you have enough savings for the marriage and much more for the responsibility after that. You must know that marrying her means marrying his family as well, all the problems and hardships.Financially is most of the times one of the factor why couples separate. Emotionally meaning you need to understand the weight of responsibility you are taking. To love her and stay with her for the rest of your life. But if your family think that it is still early then you should think this seriously. Family advise should not be taken lightly as they know you best even though you don't talk to them often and they want the best for you. If this is there advise then maybe you are not really ready yet. Maybe you haven't really reach your goal yet. My advise is before you get married make sure that you are already complete, meaning you have achieved what you want to achieve and if you have dreams and you want to give something to your family then do all this things first. So that When you marry, you wouldn't have insecurities and any regrets that you cannot do the things that you should have done before. Hope this help..:)
@Charlene0821 (1)
• China
28 Aug 10
I think you better not marry at this moment. You see, you are a little bit doubt about the whole mariage thing. If you marry hurriedly, you might regret about it. So take it easy, when you really want to marry her without ant hesitation, then do it!
