Why I keep Falling in the Same HOLE

United States
September 26, 2010 8:51pm CST
Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results . I guess this would make me verifiably crazy because sometimes I just don't get it. I am an addict . Yes a real live drug addict. I know this to my core to be true about me : I cannot use any substance without getting completely addicted. My drug of choice is opiates. Pills not heroin. I had struggled with this for years and finally got clean on Dec. 27 2006. It was literally the biggest fight of my life but I had a primary care Dr. that put me on a medicine called Suboxone and it helped me get through. I walked around with my head held high because I won the fight! I wasn't going to die too young because of an O.D. I can't put into words how great I felt being clean. So what happened?? Well I was going to my doc getting my meds and everything was great . Then my dr. who had been with me since I first got clean had to turn over my care to another primary dr. No big deal right ? WRONG ! I started seeing this dr. and after a few visits I tell him i'm depressed and kinda stressed out alot of the time. So this doc gives me 2 meds , one for depression the other for anxiety called Ativan. Ativan is basically an extrememly addictive pill that works like a tranquilizer. So I start taking the Ativan and I like it , I mean really like it . I start taking more and more of it until , what do you know I'm ADDICTED. Again !So I lie to my dr. and keep getting the scripts filled for like 6 months then I got discharged from my doc's office for breaking so many appointments. I start freaking out because Ativan makes you sick (not like heroin) and causes all kind of mental and physical problems. So I start to google Ativan addiction to find out how bad things are gonna be . One website said YEARS!! I wanted to kick my own butt for getting myself into this mess again after all I gained. So since I could no longer get prescriptions I decided to tuff it out and get clean again. While I'm searching this drug on the web I find out that Suboxone and Ativan are dealy together at about 6 mgs. I was on 10 mgs. all at one time (i'd take 10 pills in a sitting).So I felt like crap for about 2 weeks then guess what ?I start feeling better. All these websites trying to sell stuff to help with withdrawls because they last years and years are wrong. I wanted to write this for two reasons , 1st if your an addict you need to be smart about everything you take even if a dr. gives it to you 'cuz lets face it some dr.s suck. And also there is hope out there. it may really suck while your going thru it but YOU CAN make it to the end of the proverbial tunnel. Your best hope for any kind of addiction is to seek help because its almost impossible to do it on your own. My ex was an alcoholic for 20 yrs. then just stopped drinking but because he got no help hes a miserable person. There is help out there and you should take advantage of it . Also DONT TAKE ATIVAN!! Alot of times it drives you crazy or kills you, not worth it.I hope this helps someone. Thanx for reading.
1 response
• United States
27 Sep 10
ledwards can I say that you are once again on the road to recovery as you know first hand that in order to even attempt recovery you must admit you have and or had a problem to begin with. I am sorry that you have had this addiction and that it is quite easily to fall back on it again. I hope that during your recovery you truly get the help to stay clean for the rest of your life. Good luck to you ledwards as this has to be a really tough road, and always remember that when you do get clean the sense of accomplishment it makes you feel, I hope you can kick this habit and able able to enjoy life to the fullest. Welcome to myLot.