8th yr into the relationship and still no wedding ring

Philippines
November 21, 2010 11:49am CST
I have this very close friend who's had the same boyfriend since we were in senior year in high school. Back then we all thought that she'd be the first girl to marry in our class. But now we're all working and out of college and some of us have gotten married and had kids but still she's in the same relationship with the same guy. What gives? Every reunion we always expected to see her with a wedding (or at least an engagement) ring. I've asked her about it and she says that they both simply have no plans yet - still focused on the job, other priorities, but they still love each other, etc. Am I alone in thinking that that's weird? Can a relationship really last that long with no wedding bells in sight (or within hearing hehe)?
11 people like this
33 responses
@ybong007 (6659)
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
There are people who prefer to be with each other without the binding obligations of marriage. If that's how both your friends see their relationship then that's their choice. Usually long term relationships tend not to work especially if the guy don't have plans of taking it to a higher level. I have a colleague who been with a guy for 11 years and they end up separating at the time when both of them were on the process of planning their marriage. Another colleague is in a relationship with her boyfriend for seven years and the girl, as much as she wants to get married already, can't because her boyfriend won't propose.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
That's what I was afraid of. I know I should be happy that they look happy, but you know when there's this nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach? I do hope I'm just being paranoid. I don't mean to overreact, I just don't want my best friend get hurt :-/
@ybong007 (6659)
• Philippines
23 Nov 10
If it's a mutual decision then there's no problem with it. Getting married because of the pressure from all around them won't do them any good. As long as they're both happy with their relationship now then just let them be. It would harder for them when they give in to the pressure only to find out later that the're not meant for each other.
• Philippines
23 Nov 10
Oh that's so true! I guess you're right.
@donsky14 (5963)
• Philippines
21 Nov 10
Well maybe their just preparing for their future. Maybe they want things to get settled before getting married, like if their financially stable. Some relationship even goes to ten or more years before they decide to get married...so its not really weird.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Nov 10
Yeah I can see your (and their) point on that. I just need some reassurance that it's not so much unusual anymore to be in a long-term relationship without being married. It's just kind of hard to understand..especially in our Catholic culture where marriage is such a big thing (heck even legislation for divorce has been pigeonholed forever). And goodness I've waited to the be the maid of honor for so long! lol. But they look okay with it, so I guess I should be..
1 person likes this
@donsky14 (5963)
• Philippines
21 Nov 10
I think you haven't checked my profile...I'm from the Philippines as well...and usually old people in our country prefer that couples you know lasts in a relationship for like years before they actually marry. I mean, that's what my mom advised me and my auntie's so that we could get to know our partner better. Like the saying goes, marriage isn't like rice that you could just spit out when you get burned.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
I think I did, just didn't notice the country field kabayan. Come to think of it don't you think it's kind of frustrating how a quick marriage and a long-drawn unmarried relationship are both frowned upon here? It's almost like there's a prescribed shelf life for a relationship before it either should be plucked for matrimony or thrown out. Must admit I've been drilled into this thinking myself, that's why I found it odd to comprehend this other alternative ending in my friend's relationship.
1 person likes this
22 Nov 10
A relationship can last that long without wedding bells in sight, she has proven that. Maybe it is a case of they want to earn more money first, or maybe he has not asked her, why doesn't she ask him? It doesn't always have to be the man that pops the question. The main point is the fact that they are still together after such a long time. It does seem strange they are not engaged, i mean they still could have a long engagement, maybe marriage isn't for either one of them or both of them, maybe they have discussed things like this. At the end of the day if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't, but if they are still together many years later then great, you don't have to be engaged or married to be in a serious relationship, they prove this.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Yeah I guessed as much. I'm just really worried it ends badly and she ends up more hurt because it's been such a long relationship. But I suppose that's part of life and living and growing up. Most I can do is be there for her.
22 Nov 10
Being there for her i am sure will mean a lot to her. We don't really know what they both really do think about marriage and what there future is. When we were kids, especially girls they often dreamt of the wedding day, the house, job, kids, perfect man, etc. Sure some people don't get married, very few though, but i wonder if the problem is with him? You have known your friend for many years, you should possibly know how interested in marriage she is. Maybe the relationship has just lasted this long because they are good together but at the start you don't think about marriage, but after this long together surely it has to of been mentioned, he may have said that he doesn't want to get married, she may feel very sad about this but think that she loves him and has been with him for so long that that is fine, but it's not really as she doesn't get the marriage. I hope she does get married, what woman doesn't want to?
@34momma (13896)
• United States
22 Nov 10
I say if she is happy then that is all that matters. some people are just not in a rush to get married. if you are committed to each other then that is enough. the relationship can last as long as they want it to last. it seems that they are ok with it so then it doesn't really matter what others thing or care.
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Yeah, I have to give them credit for that.
22 Nov 10
Ya its up to them if it work or worse don't judge them if you see them happy and their relation working you should glad for them and support them as long as they happy
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Yeah, I see your point. Thing is I'll also end up doing the supporting in case things take a turn for the worse - but I guess that's part of the bff package. Just don't want it to end badly. Thanks for the assurance :-)
@lingli_78 (12845)
• Australia
22 Nov 10
may be your friend has her own plan with her boyfriend and she just want to take it slow... there is nothing wrong or weird about that... i had heard couples who dated more than 10 years before they finally decided to get married... and yes, i believe the relationship can last as long as both of them stay committed to each other... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Thanks for the reassurance :-)
@verabear (797)
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
My man and I have been together ten years (eleven in January) and I don't have an engagement ring and we're not yet married. Sure people have been asking, specially since this is the season when my friends and batchmates are marrying off. We do have plans of getting married, just not rushing off to it I guess. :)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Kudos to you! :-D It's reassuring to hear something like that.
@gaiza12 (4889)
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
I think it's not really weird, it's just that they have other priorities than tie the knot. Maybe they are just preparing more for their future and that they don't want to get into something that they are not yet really that ready. At least they are still with together after all the years. And maybe they don't need to be married just to be together, they may think that love is enough without the rings.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
I really really hope that's true. And they look happy still, so I guess I should be happy with that too :-)
1 person likes this
@fannitia (2170)
• Bulgaria
21 Nov 10
I don't know the customs in your country but I think that today the marriage is not so important. There are couples who live together and have kids without marry at all. Maybe they want to get a financial stability first. To make a family, to have children - this is a big responsibility.
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Say that to the manangs (that's what we call the old Church ladies who frequent the church in their veils and long dresses) who live across our street. Hehe. But yeah even just based on all the responses here I guess views on marriage has evolved so much in the past 50 years.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Nov 10
I do not find it odd or weird in any way. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and not once have we spoken of marriage. We are very much in love and truly have never spoken of marriage. The way I see it is if it happens it does, and if it doesn't well we still have each other. We have a great many things we both want to accomplish and marriage is not on the top of the goal list. We do not have a vindictive master plan in anyway nor are we against marriage, it is just something we simply do not discuss. The way I see it is why ruin a great thing going for now.
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
That's nice to hear. Reassuring too. I guess they both believe the same thing.
1 person likes this
@puccagirl (7316)
• Israel
21 Nov 10
Honestly? I think it really their business and not for anyone else to judge. I mean, there could be things you do not know of for some reason. So while it is not the most common situation, I would not ask too much about it. As long as they are happy, that is all that matters, no matter the circumstances.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
I was just concerned...and a bit curious too. But yeah I guess you're right.
1 person likes this
@kingparker (9698)
• United States
21 Nov 10
Maybe they already broke up, but she doesn't want you to know anything about it. I might have done the same thing. With that long of time, the relationship might already deteriorated. Not surprise of it. Maybe I am wrong, but we just don't want to pry on other people's privacy right?
• Philippines
21 Nov 10
You're right. I'm just a bit concerned. But the other posts here have cheered me up a bit :-) Besides maybe I'm just being bitter and really have no business meddling (but I'm not! I just need to know if that's healthy/okay!)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
I have a friend who had a boyfriend for ten years. Everything about them becomes a simple mutual understanding. They simply just thought that they are fine. When people started pushing them to get married, they became engaged for a year but never married because they realize that they only find each other as a good companion and not as partner for life. I hope this will not happen to your friend
1 person likes this
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
23 Nov 10
I don't think that is a big deal for two couples. The important thing is that you love each other and swear that you stay forever for better or worse. But the deals is that some of the girls very demanding and wanted all things to be happen in what they wanted even if the husband did not provide it. This is the reason why most couples did not stay longer
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
Er...guys can be pretty demanding too. And can deal the deathblow to relationship, as I've quite often seen. Not that girls don't either, but I think it's unfair to dish it all out against girls :-p Oh.. I see how you may see it now. No, I'm not pressuring a 8-year boyfriend to marry me. Besides the lack of one, this whole discussion was started based on a close chum's relationship. Not that she's forcing her bf to marry her either. They look pretty content with what they have, actually. I'm mostly just getting paranoid, and curious too as to how and why they're seem okay with that.
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
27 Nov 10
You right, it's unfair if you all things be bear to girls alone...Have a great day!
23 Nov 10
well you would atleast think there would be an engagement ring after that long together.
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
Yup. That's what I was thinking. But all the other responses here have been really helpful in giving me more insight into their relationship...relationships in general, actually. One of the reasons I so love MyLot :-)
25 Nov 10
I love mylot as it does show many different sides of responses to some very interesting topics. I am happy that you have had some good responses from people on here. Who's responses stood out on here for you? Will you be taking note and following on any of the advice that they gave to you? Eight years really is such a long time to not atleast have an engagement ring on her finger. I guess the information from others may point you into the direction of what may needed to be said or done when it comes to your friend.
@Royalty10 (196)
• Guyana
22 Nov 10
Well in my country we believe the old people always right and my grandfather says that a good live home better than a bad marriage. Hope you all get that. Not exactly standatd english. lol. This setup wouldnt work for me but if it works for them who am I to say otherwise. If it is onsided I'd tell the party who wants to get married to get out but if the are both happy with this arrangement then I say right on!
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
Haha your father has a lot of sense, even if his English is not so perfect.
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
oops..grandfather ;-p
• Canada
22 Nov 10
I think it's totally fine. She doesn't sound like she's unhappy in her relationship. Marriage isn't for everyone and for those that do want to get married these no rule book that says how long you have to wait. You marry when it feels right. My sister and her husband waited 13 years. If it was up to him they would have married long before that but she wanted to wait as she was nervous about marriage due to my parents divorce. Me, I could be with or without it. It's more of a society thing to me. It really is just a paper. You love each other just the same with or without it. But if you are religious and want to make that commitment in front of God then I understand that.
• Canada
22 Nov 10
P.S When I read the title of the post I thought it was going to be the girl in the relationship discussing this, not her best friend! LOL!
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
Yeah, I guess we're all just brought up thinking what a great and grand thing marriage is without really understanding it. A lot of my friends' parents are actually separated or unhappily married, so I see the sense in waiting, even in opting not to marry altogether. I really love my friend (we're like soul sisters, lol), so I wish all the best for her.
• United States
22 Nov 10
Not only can it last but it may even last longer than some marriages. When I read your title of this post , I thought the woman Wanted to get married 7 years ago. But if she and her partner are happy and in love and together m that's what matters , not a wedding ring. I love this story. I thought I was weird, I never will marry but I knew I would fall in love.Now I am with my guy and we will never marry and I am so happy. Not every couple Must get married to have it last forever.
• Philippines
22 Nov 10
That's great to hear, and I'm happy for you :-) I sure hope that's how the story ends for my friends too.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Nov 10
Thanks. I hope you and your friend are both in happy places. Take care.
@Xansus (950)
• Bulgaria
25 Nov 10
In this age some people dont even wed :D So what is 8 yr when people live from a lot more together and have child and all stuff like that and are not married :)
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
Hmm yeah I get that from a lot of people here...but our circle (and families) are still pretty much old-fashioned. I see the sense in not needing or wanting marriage now, though. :)
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
24 Nov 10
If it has been an 8 year relationship and you have no ring yet, the chances are it isn't coming. It doesn't mean that there is no commitment by your partner. Marriage may just not be what they want in aa relationship with you.
• Philippines
25 Nov 10
It's not me this is happening to, but a close friend of mine. But what you said is not really that comforting. Does that mean that he might be in a long-term relationship with my friend and yet see marriage potential in a different girl? Hmm...