He's suffocating me with too much attention
By lazette
@lazette (216)
Philippines
January 11, 2011 6:01am CST
I'm having trouble with my boyfriend recently. We've been together a year now, and everything's going great, I think. Well, he's very loyal... scratch that, he's over-the-top loyal. I'm a medical student, so I'm usually very busy studying my head off, and he makes the extra effort to try and squeeze himself into my schedule every time. He always posts "I love you" on my wall, pokes me there a lot, and really finds time for me. He'll text me at least 20-30 times a day, and goes as far as sending the same message 3-4 times when I fail to reply. He makes it a point to give me a call every night just so we can talk with each other.
The gist of it is, he's my first boyfriend. I'm not this used to the attention. I don't really care much for Facebook, and I don't check my phone regularly. Every time we talk, he gives me the sad face and demands why I didn't "like" his post on my Facebook wall or his statuses that are for me, or why I didn't poke him back. He'd ask why I wasn't able to reply. He'd be overly wary of my guy classmates, especially if he sees me talking to some of them. He calls on the nights that I totally need the most for studying for big exams.
I don't know how to break it to him. I really love him, and just seeing his sad face whenever he demands my attention already makes me guilty. But this is just too much I can ever handle. What do you think I should do?
3 people like this
12 responses
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
11 Jan 11
lazette,
I have read all the responses and I thought I will add another perspective for you. Now, I hope you will not be offended by what I have to say but I hope that you will give some thoughts to what I am going to say.
Your man is a classic M.C.P example; brandished with a gnawing inferiority complex and expect his woman to be beneath him in all aspects. True enough, typical M.C.P guys have positive qualities like unwavering loyalty and most of all 'overly caring' personality which reads possessiveness but (sadly) they can't comprehend the concept of trust, freedom and power equality.
In fact, as long as certain events are not within his span of expectation and/or control, the suspicion gets into him instantaneously - as you had posted and I quote "He'd be overly wary of my guy classmates, especially if he sees me talking to some of them".
It doesn't matter if it was the truth or not - his perceived state of mind is the inexorably truth he so believes in - explanation is merely a red herring. It doesn't matter if your relationship is stable, his wild state of emotions belie fact from friction, listened only to his heart, which has totally been consumed by inferiority complex. There's no logic in emotions that has been tainted by inferiority; all his actions merely fill in the void that is missing inside his esteem.
To the both of you, I will have to ask this blatat question: "How long can you remain in a relationship without trust?"
You - If you constantly allow your reasoning of 'he's a very rare type of guy' to misrepresent your stand to remain, then you are probably better off without being with this 'very rare type of guy', because your 'rare guy' brings forth a very 'common disastrous trait' to any relationship.
I hope you will ask the question I posed to him and let him ponder over it. At the same time, tell him to allow you the necessary space to be who you are and what you want to be or do. I do not know about you but messaging 20-30 times a day is really way too exorbitant or rather obsessive.
Relationship is always two way traffic and the both of you really need to work on it starting with communication and trust. You need to say something even if it is unpleasant and when you know it is for the better good here.
Take care and have a nice day.
@princess8881 (1630)
• South Korea
11 Jan 11
very good point:) something to consider.. thank God I didnt end up being with that kind of man...lol
but who knows..I wonder if they can change?maybe when your young you tend to have this kind of thing..but maybe when they got older they prolly laugh on themselves why they even have to be like that..:)@lazette (216)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
That's a very valid point you mention here, but I'd have to disagree with a few things. I don't think it's his inferiority complex that is the problem... if he even has one. The both of us are very competitive when it comes to things. We see each other as equals, sometimes I win, sometimes he wins. More than anything, he has a superiority complex, since he believes no guy who tries to steal me from him can ever do so. I think his reason for all this attention to me (or rather, wanting my attention) is the lack of love and attention he received from his family throughout his life. He's from a broken family, and it's basically the one and only topic that can get him crying just talking about it. He knows very well how it feels to live in a family that doesn't bother showing him any love, so he said, him having me is something that he's always wanted, and he'd never want to and can't afford to lose. One reason I'm having a hard time telling him to stop is because I know that the attention of someone he loves is something that was deprived of him, and I want to grant it to him as much as possible. He was a delinquent and a problem child back in high school, but he changed when he met me at the start of college life. He changed so much to the point that his actual parents actually thanked me for filling the gap in his life that they couldn't give.
Another reason, I think, that he's being overly attentive is that prior to us being together, we had this sort of... problem. Whichever the case, said problem left me pretty much emotionally scarred for life, so, as he says, he's trying everything he can to try and erase what was done in the past. I'd rather not bring this topic up, but yeah.
And he's not a rare type of guy to begin with. I've seen loyal guys like himself, but he's definitely common, if not ordinary. He trusts me, and I trust him - it's the people who approach me that he doesn't trust (the guys I mentioned that he sees talking to me are all guys who previously tried to court me, but gave up when him and I became an official couple), especially since he believes that a guy doesn't easily move on from a girl he once loved.
We've never had problems with communication and trust. We always say what we want to say, etc. I'm just having trouble with this one because of the reasons I mentioned in the first paragraph. Despite his always asking questions about the guys that approach me, all he ever does is ask, and never does anything any more drastic than that.
Nonetheless, thank you for taking time to reply.
By the way, what does M.C.P. mean?
@kaycharmedMD (381)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
I understand your situation. Well I think the best thing to do is still to be honest with him and tell him how you feel before things get more complicated. You should tell him your concerns and how his actions are affecting you and your relationship. If he really loves you, he should understand and give you more space to breath. If not and if he turns the situation around and then blames you for not having much time for him or his facebook quips, then i think it's time to cool things down. That's not healthy in a relationship. When I was in medical school I had to change my priorities and put studying on the top. Not much time for love life. Tell him that you are serious in your studies and that he should understand that.
1 person likes this
@lazette (216)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
I know that he'll never turn the situation around. I forgot to add, I also bring this up from time to time. He'll make the sad face again, say he's sorry, and be manageable for a few days, but then he returns to being how he was: over-attentive. I'm at a loss here...
@thaMARKER (2503)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
i won't feel you this much 'cause the attention that i'm getting from my partner is enough but i sometimes want more than enough. hahaha.. i'm just not the type of person who ask. whatever i get from him, i'm good. and he on the same way too.
i think that you just have to establish trust for him not to think too much while you're away, for him not to bug you through text messages.. then talk to him. make him understand that it's very important to have time for yourself too. it's ok to go out with your friends sometimes. don't talk to him and make him feel that what he's doing is negative. tell him you appreciate the attention but there are times that you need privacy.
@malpoa (1216)
• India
12 Jan 11
I think it is high time you discuss it with your boyfriend. If he really loves you he will understand your time constraints...Love should put you at ease, not in tension...It is better to make one heart heavy than carry on like this, hampering your mental peace, studies. Be prCTICAL, THINK PRACTICALLY ACT ACCORDINGLY..aLL THE BEST
@princess8881 (1630)
• South Korea
11 Jan 11
I totally understand your situation when I was in high school I also have a boyfriend till college and he thinks were the only person in the planet that we have to spend most of our time together...
and I really regret that I didnt focus on my studies and try to made a balance but its just so hard..,, then after 4years we also broke up..lol
So I think you should really explain him that you wanna prioritize your studies... and you dont want to much attention coz its quite disturbing for you.. so just explain him and hope everything is gonna be fine
goodluck :)
@lazette (216)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
It's a shame that you guys broke up. I definitely won't want that to happen to us, I really do love him. I really love him and all, but I don't want him to change. His being over-attentive is something I love about him, but is getting in the way a bit. I'll try to tell him, thanks.
@princess8881 (1630)
• South Korea
11 Jan 11
ahaha nah thats fine to me sometimes when your not for each other u theres just no way u can be..
and I got no regret though..coz past is past and I learned a lesson..and I am so much more happy now with my new man...:)
@rainbowink (296)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
Communication is key to a growing relationship. Just let him know that you love him and you're very much thankful that he makes all those things to let you know he's really into you - all those efforts. In Tagalog, we say, "Haba ng hair mo teh!". Anyways, he will eventually learn that he should also give you time and space. To be honest, I think what he does is what most girlfriends do. Some boyfriends like to spend more time with their online gaming mates, barkadas, etc. than with their gfs. You go talk and I'm sure he will understand you.
@GardenGerty (157562)
• United States
11 Jan 11
What do you love about him? Why do you love him? From this description he sounds very selfish. He is demanding your time when you have many other things that are really important. He is making you feel guilty, when you have done nothing wrong. I know I sound really mean. He needs to see this discussion. He also needs a hobby in his life instead of spending all of this time on Facebook and texting. Is he not going to school or working? I would not be as nice as you are. I would be very annoyed and would tell him so.
@lazette (216)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
I love him because he's him. I don't know. We were friends before we were lovers, and that's how I realized that I loved him. When we became an official couple, this side of him surfaced. We go to the same school, but we're from different courses. He's mostly busy but still finds time to squeeze me into his schedule. Thanks for your response.
@maxilimian (3099)
• Indonesia
12 Jan 11
Hi Lazette!
Well i wanna know that if you ever said "Why should i?" to your boyfriend? You can say that you love him, but you didn't have to reply it all, that's quite strange for me actually sorry to say this ... but do you don't feel it's very annoying?be honestly, and why should your boyfriend give his sad face when you can't reply his text or something, do you ever ask him why?
@lazette (216)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
I never ask him why or tell him that because I don't want to hurt him. To cut the long story short, I'm the first one he ever experienced being loved because he came from a broken family with parents that never paid him any loving attention. Thanks for your response.
@penrockerchic (1903)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
The truth will always set you free. If that's how you feel, then you let him know but formulate what you have to say in such a way that it won't hurt his feelings that much. It's really all about communication and when I say communication, listening is the most important aspect of it. You tell him how you feel, but at the same time, listen to what he has to say. Put yourself in his shoes and let him put himself in your situation. Then arrive at a compromise where both of you will benefit from the relationship.
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
I think you should have a heart- to -heart talk with your boyfriend.
Let him understand that you have to be devoted in your studies in order to succeed and that he should do so too himself, for your future together. Tell him that you don't like and don't have the time doing those things that you think are disturbances to your study but assure him that you love him so much.
In addition, maybe you could compromise on how to get in touch with each other and its frequency. That way, he will understand .
@chiedenn (77)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Hi.. I've never had that kind of boyfriend.. I mean, to quote you "Every time we talk, he gives me the sad face and demands why I didn't "like" his post on my Facebook wall or his statuses that are for me" -- that is crazy. I mean, Come on.. Its not your duty as his girlfriend to like everything that he post on his facebook. he has to understand that. your limits and your time. Gosh. Girl, my advice is, you have to tell him at least nicely that you need space. even if he is your first boyfriend, he has to understand things, you too. you have to understand and respect your limits. Im just saying, its for your own good. and his too.
