January 14, 2011 7:32pm CST
What in the world is wrong with me? For as long as I can remember, every January and February are hard month for me with depression however in the past 3 years, I seen to be able to keep things under control. It's like I'm finally able to get through those months without some crazy outburst or a suicidal thought. But this year, this January, it's a complete different story. When I met my husband 8 years ago, we discussed the fact that I wanted more children. Yes I was blessed with two from previous relationships but internally, I'm 'that mom'... you know - the one with a gazillion kids... I'm happiest when surrounded with kids, when I'm needed in the motherly role. So when we found out that my husband was sterile, I was crushed. Of course, there are other options and we've explored them all. So far, nothing is even remotely possible. Needless to say, the older I get, the more devastating I feel. But lately, this January, I'm a complete mess. I can't stand in line at the store if I have to stare at a baby in front of me. I can't walk pass the baby section. I can't even think of going into Boomerang Kids. And tonight, when folding my daughter's freshly washed doll clothes & baby blankets, I broke down again. I hurt and grieve over the fact that I'm incapable of raising any more babies. The toughest part, I believe, is the fact that I homeschool. We get together with other homeschoolers - some of which have large families and of course, babies! Last Tuesday, a mom asked me to hold her newborn while she set up a table for the other children. I simply couldn't. Sorry I have a cough, wouldn't want to get the baby sick... How in the world do I get over these blues? How do I convince myself that two is enough? How do I get over these feelings of emptiness? How do I stop avoiding babies?