Do know you fit
June 5, 2011 4:40am CST
I write a couple of blogs one of which Is Your Mind Your Friend. Without trying to go too deep into what it's all about, here's the over view. I suffer with Bi-polar, have had past addiction problems to Alcohol and Drugs and suffered an abusive childhood. The addictions came about trying to escape the childhood and the fall out from it, which until recently was still going on till leaving my family well alone. It took me from 1999 till 2008 to stop the alcohol. Which was hard to leave as I didn't want to loose my brother. The trouble was in not wanting to loose my brother and so when I stopped drinking very quickly realised I needed to move on. I left behind the little I'd got in the way of friends and tentative relationship with my family. Quickly I found love, moved in and had a daughter and felt I need to protect her from the life I'd had upto yet. I figured I'd tell her who they where when she was old enough to understand. I'd hoped that I'd left behind the politics. I'd left behind the control my mother used to have on me as a child. The "you must take it to god" from my dad. The way my brother used to push my buttons, tapping into the anger inside me from not been belived and dismissed. The fact due to use with alcohol and mental health everything was my fault. Now let me just expalin the bit about that last sentance. I'd done a lot of dodgie deals to servive, said a lot of bad things and told some lies. The anger inside me was real from a lot events that did happen. Upto the point of stopping drinking I let everbody blame me for a lot of things as I was scared of having nothing. It goes back to getting kicked out for telling my parents about my uncle. My mother tried to kill me and generally was unhappy with me been around for the first two years of my life. This my dad used as the reason for the way I was. What I got told was "don't tell anyone as it will give your nan heart attack, break you brothers heart and cause a family scandal". I used to let my brother use me as the whipping boy, taking the mick of my alcohol problem to take the focus of him. In stopping drink I'd takien resposability for my action and so tried to move on. My familiy on the other hand hadn't and still wanted to keep their hold on me. They used to say that due to first two years of my life and my mental state everything was me. Now I still struggle wondering if my mind is my friend. I'm not stupid though and know as I'd to from an early age understand what people where saying as so to prepare myself. I knew that I'd need to be truthful with my partner. What I also knew is I'd need councling for my childhood. I also know not everything is my fault. What I didn't realise is the fact that now I've put myself in the position of been the expenable one. I still get told stop feeling sorry for myself when I raise something I don't feel is fare. I still feel controlled by the future mother in law. I still get told that a lot of things (more than what is really) my fault as I can't have gone through all that without being damaged and my mental state. I have no one in this new life that is my friends a support network if you will. I get told what rights others have as far as my daughter is concerned and I've no right to question it. As I'm not nlood related I can't do the same, so liveing with my future stepson is gettting difficult. The future mother in law controls everything when she stops and dosn't suggest things, but tells me. I guess what I'm trying to do is find if there's others out there in a simular situation. That hit a brick wall when trying to live their life. That may have mental health issues and don't just get labelled, but treated so different whats the point in been there. I love my daughter and don't want to leave her with a part time dad, but I don't want to be an honary dad as others tell me there rights. I feel suffercated by the things that people tell I can be and not I feel I should have as a DAD. I mean with my past why should have any rights to back in society let alone be a dad doing a parenting job. At the risk of feeling sorry for myself I feel alone, not quite in the fold and kept at a certain distance. I've no doughts my partner loves me, but I also think that her familiy and friends only support me as far as it helps her. To have any kind of real job as a parent seems to be what I'm aloud to have. As a person with 37 years of my history what rights do I have. I need my own circle of friends, independent and knows some of what I'm about.