A situation I am having a difficult time having to reply to
June 8, 2011 4:25pm CST
The other day, my buddy contacted me asking for advice. Advice that i cannot reply to as it is difficult to offer my opinion as i could possible give a terrible one. He told me that his father has returned. His father was in jail for 8 years. His father replied, " i will just give me time ." Now, my friend tells me that his father made their lives difficult before, as he was sent to jail for domestic abuse to begin with. My friend allowed him to stay, as perhaps he is a changed man. Currently, his father is at their home drinking heavily. My friend has told me that he is really considering leaving, and finding a new home together with his siblings, however is having a difficult time leaving his mother as he loves her so. And he claims his mother is being foolish for keeping his father at home, but she argues that they must help him resolve himself as he was not like this at the beginning of their relationship. My friend is asking me, what he should do, he doesn't want to leave his mother because who would be there to protect her if anything is to happen, as he claims, the reason why nothing happened so far is because he is bigger and stronger than his father. Also my friend has been the only source of income for the household. If he were to leave, who would take care of his mother. He wants to leave because of the past that he had to endure and does not want anything to happen to his siblings. I cannot open my mouth to tell him what to do, as if ear that I may give the wrong advice. What would you advice him to do? Or what would you say to guide him in this situation? Thanks.
13 Jun 11
In my opinion, your friend should be assertive of what results he wants. If he wants to resolve their father's issues, confront him and talk to him about it. Communication is critical in getting into any individual. Set up a forum and lay down rules. Show his father how resposible you are so that he'll learn something that can push him forward. Do not just escape the problem, confront it with open arms. Be patient with his father but at the same time be strict and disciplined when dealing with him. Does his father plans to get a job and earn a living? Your friend should inspire his father to change. He can do this by simply asking for his help or participation in the thing you friend needs to accomplish. Your friend should make his father feel valuable so as to bring back his purpose in life. Try engaging him in different things to do while being patient on him. As much as possible, don't critic his shortcomings, but motivate him to conquer those shortcomings. I hope my advice helps!
15 Jun 11
Yea I totally agree that he needs to be assertive. Though I have a feeling that there is some history that he has not informed me about. A history that is probably affecting him mentally and cannot cope or create a response that his father has returned. Though I have not been updated on their current situation. My cousin has visited him and told me that he is doing fine at the moment. Perhaps there has been some good communication going on and everything got resolved. Thanks for your honest advice.
8 Jun 11
If I was your friend, and as you say he is bigger and stronger than his father, I would just set the rules myself, regardless that he is my father. That doesn't give him the right to make our lives (siblings and specially mother) miserable. First, why was in jail for? Second, why he started drinking? Third, why now that he was accepted back at home keeps drinking? Is the father a provider or just lays there drinking? There are a lot I things I could ask and say, I came from a similar situation and when I grew up I stand in defense of my mother at some level, nobody could harm her in any way. Hopefully your friend opens his eyes and start being the man of the house he once was, because the father definitely lost that position in my opinion.
9 Jun 11
Thank you for your comment. I find it very difficult to give him advise as i can only imagine what he is going through. Perhaps there are more to the story that he is failing to tell me, that is why i am trying to approach the situation cautiously. I will however help him recognize that he is the man of the house as you mentioned. Again thanks.