I am rethinking my marriage.

United States
July 10, 2011 9:24pm CST
This will sound strange coming from someone in a good marriage. We have been togehter for 10 years, married 8. We have two kids 8 and 5. My husband is in the Navy and gone a lot and even though I miss him, I dont. I am a stay at home Mom, but Im feeling bored, confused. When he was gone I use to get upset. I missed him terribly and now Im finding myself fine when hes gone. A little more freedom. When hes home its always the same thing. He is a great man, great father, husband so this problem must be me right? He likes to play video games and watch movies. We hardly talk anymore even though I would love to. I would love for him to set up a date for once. I would love for him to chose to do something different. With him being so great and taking care of his responsibilities and everything he has done for us, I totally feel this is my problem and have no clue what to do.
2 people like this
14 responses
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
11 Jul 11
I read a couple of your responses to get more info about your situation personally I don't think it's your trust issue, or how his family used to treat you, or that you need to keep busy Do you have someone that can take care of the kids while you travel abroad, visiting exotic places? or even just a road trip to different states? maybe go back to school? take up new education or skills that keep your mind going and physically active I once had a friend working in the military like your hubby, he was always somewhere else than his own country he could go online but at odd times due to time differences and the work involved he told me about his girls, he is single with lots of gfs and I often wondered how they cope up with him keeps moving around like that I personally can't have a relationship or married to someone that is hardly at home, or someone I can't communicate with when I want to
• United States
11 Jul 11
Travel abroad im a little chicken, but I would love to visit some fam in WA. I dont really have anyone right now who could watch the kids. Im trying to find a way where I can do a little part-time job. I need to stay occupied. Its funny you mentioned those thing since Im looking into a couple things. My husband is stuck in a sbu so we dont really get to communicate much. I think Im just frustrated with some things and feel so stuck as a wife and a mother. Just cant remember who I use to be. I use to work all the time before we had kids. I hated it, but enjoyed it to. I would have three different jobs and found it entertaining. Something new at each place. Thank you for the advice.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
12 Jul 11
@Humanicon (328)
• India
11 Jul 11
I will not write much but still i will write a small fact.Men after reaching some age stop talking to every one.They stay very silent. Before marriage and after few years of marriage men talk much,do more romance ,share a lot but after more years and with increase in their age they become silent , romance never comes in their dictionary , they stop talking and share very less.they now only speak few words and they are yes or no or hmmmm... .But it doesnot mean that they dont love .They do love even now.Actually their love now is more than their love few years ago. This is the case with 85 % of men in this world.At least in my country it is. But why is that only women complain and why men dont.Think by keeping yourself on his side.he loves you dont he.he might be missing you and he might be living in sea with only your memories.He might be dying every day thinking of your well being and safety.dont he.just think.He loves you that is why he does not cheat on you. It is only you who has to cope up with it.so just do it.dont make him feel that his job is a curse on him.dont make him feel insecure with his own job.
• United States
11 Jul 11
My husband isnt a social person. He likes being home and he isnt a huge talker when he dosent know you. When we started dating he put so much effort into our relationship. Once we got married and had our first its like he didnt need to try anymore. He never even proposed. We got married when I was two weeks away from giving birth at justice of the peace.I think he has gotten to comfortable and I have gotten bored. Its just firguring out what I would like for myself and hot ot make our marriage work. How to fall in love with him again.
• India
12 Jul 11
Men are anti social.Before marriage they put every effort and after marriage they feel like they have conquered the whole world and so they get back to being anti social.They stop interacting completely.And this behaviour of men does not go well with every women.And with age men become worst. You said some where had he plays video games.If yes then you have got a best chance to talk to them.learn every thing about video games .And when he returns talk to him about video games while he plays and sit by side and watch him playing and while playing chitchat with him about anything or play with him in LAN.This way you will get more time to communicate. If he is not a gamer watch movies with him and while watching chitchat with him.And go out for dinners ocasionally. Cook some special dishes for him and play with him by asking ingredients in them.This way you will get to communicate. But dont expect men to talk much.In these ways he will atleast try to talk something.I hope this helps.I will pray that your relationship lasts longer.
@toniganzon (50001)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
I am saying that you love your husband but you're no longer in love with him. The excitement is no longer there. I've been married only for almost 8 years and i can say that i'm slowly drifting away from being in love but i still love him. And like you, we don't talk anymore like we used to. We don't have moments with each other anymore like we used to. We don't seem to need each other anymore like we used to and when he's away i felt free as well. Now i heard from someone that in marriage you must stay in love to make it last forever. But the question is how do we stay in love? How do we keep that excitement and the fluttering of our hearts when we see our spouses just like when we were just dating before? I am starting to relieve those moments and will try to talk to my husband that i want the rekindle the relationship that we had once when we were just dating. So, what do you think? Do you want to do the same? Let's try this and make our marriage fun again.
• United States
11 Jul 11
I do love my husband. When we first started dating he put so much effort into things and now no effort. My birthday he pretty much did nothing. He asked if I wanted a cake and I said I guess not. I wanted him to put the effot into me that i put into him. He ended up calling some friends over for a last min little get together that last an hour because it was so late at night. I was still pissed since he called everyone because I was hurt he had put no thought into anything. I put so much effort into everything I do for him. Before he goes out to sea I send him with notes to open on certain dates, a book, I hide little love notes in his pockets, I get little effot in return. I just feel he relys on me for everything except finances. Im fortunate to stay home, I just wish he would show me the same appreciation I show him. When hes not here I dont feel I have to put the effort into him really. I put all my effort into my kids all the time. I just need to figure out me and in doing that maybe can help our relationship. i dont have time to go into everything. I do love him, but I dont feel in love with him. I wish he would communicate more. Once again I guess Ill be puting all the effort into helping our relationship and let me tell you Im exhausted. My husband is out to sea right now so I cant talk to him until he comes home, but maybe Ill have some ideas by than.
@toniganzon (50001)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
On my birthday two years ago, my husband spent time with friends as well and i ended up spending time with mine. So basically i'm right that you're no longer in love but still loves him. Well i hope you'll be able to find ways when he gets back. Good luck.
@nikramos (701)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
maybe you are just getting used to it, maybe you just trust him well that's why you feel that way. please dont think of it as a sign of wanting to let go of your marriage. when your husband feels that you are fine without him, he will slowly drift apart from you. ok, i am not married but im someone who a guy once turned to when he went astray. one of his reasons being, their relationship felt boring and predictable and that his partner seemed like she didnt care. not that i tolerated his wanting to fool around but because he wanted someone who would well take care of him and not just because it is a responsibility brought by marriage but because the partner willfully and lovingly does it for him. in other words, if you feel the relationship's getting boring and monotonous, maybe you can talk it out with him and get creative with each other. you cant just sit there wondering for yourself what could be happening. whatever it is, communicate. it could save both of you from wandering and from being hurt in the future. i have been wanting a family and a great husband myself so if i have someone as amazing as your husband, i wouldnt think twice about doing everything i can to figure out how to make it work. best of luck!
• United States
11 Jul 11
I am use to it. He goes out to sea, he comes home he does the same thing. We have things from our past. He never cheated, but he allowed his family to treat me like crap for no reason. So I have a lot of hurt feelings there. He dosent talk to a cpl of his family members anymore and they blame me for it. The relationships have gotten better with some of his family members, mostly through my doing by constantly defending myself and than I stopped all communication with them so they didnt see my kids or recieve any gifts because my husband dosent do any of that stuff. They realized treating me the way they were was only going to make them miss out. So I think I still have hurt feelings there, but its getting better and I dont think the main source to my problem. I just feel he has let me down with a lot of things, but he is a good guy. I was in a relationship prior where the man cheated on me so I have trust issues. I do many things for my husband and my kids out of love. I think I just have a mixture of emotions right now and I just feel a little trapped so Im trying to figure out how to make this all work. I really dont want to screw up a good thing. Right now hes out to sea so I cant talk to him, but I can try to figure myself out and than talk to him when he gets home.
@nikramos (701)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
eventually you'll get tired of thinking... and when you do, you would just want to get back to zero and start over again, forgetting all the mishaps and whatever negative you have in mind. have a fresh start when he gets home and never bring up past issues. it might make you feel more secured to let go of other thoughts.
@jdex_143 (1094)
• Philippines
12 Jul 11
Hi, there tink! :) Why don't you talk to him? Talk to him about your happy past moments during your first years of marriage. Let him remember what you used to do. I think most relationships fail because of lack of communication. Let your partner know about what you feel so that he will have an idea of what to do in order for your relationship to become better. I hope you could talk it out to him and express yourself and I also hope that he could address your concern about what you felt. Good luck with that.
• United States
12 Jul 11
I would be more than happy to talk to him right now, but hes out to sea. Today is his birthday and we didnt do anything special, hes not here, but Im trying to remember what I fell in love with in him. So for the rest of the month Im posint g anew pic of him on FB and will write something special. Hopefully this will help so when he comes home Ill know even more about what i want in our relationship.
@maximax8 (28256)
• United Kingdom
11 Jul 11
I think that you could make some changes to make your life more interesting and enjoyable. How old are you children? Maybe you could take your kids out somewhere lovely once a week. You might enjoy joining a club. When your husband comes home you could get a baby sitter and go a date together. You could have a conversation with him. Good luck with saving your marriage.
• United States
11 Jul 11
I would like to get a job, but it has to work with my scheduale. I would love to work from home. Just feel like Im helping out more. I feel I rely on him to much financially. We have gone on dates, just always the same thing and I always have to plan it.
@sanjay91422 (2728)
• India
11 Jul 11
I think you have good idea, maybe he also wants the same thing, but he is not able to speak it to you. I think you can set the date as per the previous experience of him. It is good if your relation is saved because he is good man who takes care of you and your children also. Good luck and have a nice day ahead.
• United States
11 Jul 11
Yes, I would like to save it.I just need to talk to him and figure somethings out. I have done a lot of thinking, mainly what would my kids think? My parents divorced and I would have prefered if they had worked out. My has told me she should have worked it out, but she quit to soon. I dont want regrets and I dont want my selfishness to ruin something good. We all have flaws and just need to work through them.
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
For me just content of what you had and if you feel sad and lonely prayed to Jehovah God that he cure your feeling and have waiting attitude to your husband.
• United States
11 Jul 11
I pray to God everyday and I hope he can send me guidance in this. I dont want to lose my marriage, I just want my husband to put some effort into it. Thank you.
@jaiho2009 (39019)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
So,you think the romance is fading slowly? Why not talk with him. You can asks him for a dinner out,or maybe just inside your bedroom and let your feeling/emotions flow. Tell him to listen to you and try to understand what you were asking. Make him understand that you need some care and attention too. Communication is best in a relationship,without good communication and open mind,slowly love and romance will fade away.
• United States
11 Jul 11
We have gone out, but Im finding we are quiet and do the same things. I have told him before I would like him to plan something, put some thought into something, but he never does. Hes helpless without me. Im not here he wont fix dinner. I would talk to him now, but hes out to sea. So Im taking this time for myself to figure out what I can do and how to let him know how I feel, once again and hopefully he will catch on. Just miss how we use to be.
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
I think you should consider counting your blessings first before rethinking about your marriage. I know a married couple who are experiencing a lot of problems in marriage than you do. You should be grateful that your husband doesn't actually cheat on you, because if that's the case then that's when you really should rethink about your marriage. I think you are bored because you're left alone at home. Maybe you should try a different hobby. Go out and explore your neighborhood. You have to do something for yourself too, not just your marriage. You can go to the gym and start healthy living. You can even enroll in some schools, like cooking schools just to stay active and it will be fun. You can meet new mom friends as well, and then you can invite them over your house so yo won't get bored every now and then. There are a lot of things you can fix in yourself first than "fixing" your marriage, because your marriage problem is nothing compared to others. You are blessed! And I'm happy for you! :)
• United States
11 Jul 11
I have many blessings your right. I dont want to lose my marriage, but I just feel stuck. I want to be happy again. I want to feel like he will protect me, but I never have. I was in a relationship where I was cheated on, so I have trust issues. Im sure my husband wouldnt cheat on me, but the thoughts linger. I am bored with our relationship. I have two kids 8 and 5 and Im busy with them. We have explored our neghborhood and gone to the pool right up the street. I found a lot of activities at our local library that we do. I have craft hobbies I like, but find my life revovls around my kids. I need to figure me out as well and so somethings for me. I know communicating with my husband would be good, but hes out to sea. So this gives me time to think and do new things and figure myself out. I know others have marriages that have more problems evident to others, but our marriage has problems others dont see and we dont talk about. Everyone has their own problems. I know mine arent as big as others, but dosent mean arent valid to me. I want to make my marriage work I just have to figure it out.
• Kottayam, India
11 Jul 11
this is common syndrome, try to cope with him
• United States
11 Jul 11
I figured as much. Im working on it.
@nurseclare (2210)
• Philippines
11 Jul 11
That's okay, that's a normal feeling of every women. We all need caress , and we always miss our man. I know you can make it up, everything will be fine tink! Just keep on praying to GOD . Godbless and stay strong :)
• United States
11 Jul 11
I have a feeling its normal in any marriage where ppl just reach a point where they dont know exactly what to do. You just fall into a rut. Even though he is a good guy there are things I wish he would do or put more effort into. I feel I have grown and changed and keep putting effort into things, but he has stayed the same just gotten older. There are things I wish he had done in the past so cld feel more like hes my rock, but I as a child and than as an adult and through my marriage I have always stood up for myself. I havent had anyone who defended me so to say. So maybe thats part of my prob, because I mentioned it to some one else too. Since hes out to sea it gives me some time to figure myself out, what I want and what I want to do. Do I want to lose him? No! I also dont want to feel stuck either so something has to be done.
@rog0322 (2834)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
11 Jul 11
Hi tink, Your problem is akin to our overseas workers here: far from home, seldom seen and exposed to lots of temptations. I suggest you take some time to divert your loneliness to some other endeavors other than thinking about the lousy situation. On my part I would take time to get involved in church or civic activities to help me pass the time and remind me of my vows I made to everyone on our wedding day. Diversion is the key.
• United States
11 Jul 11
We have been doing deplyoments forever. My life revolves around kids. I dont have temptations with dating other men. Im not looking for another relationship. We are active in church and take advantage of the free oppertunities from the library for my children. we have started swimming and I have many hobbies with crafts and photography. So I stay busy. Ill be homeschooling in the fall. I feel more like we have grown apart. I love him, but Im bored to. I fear since our lives our mainly our children when they leave the nest who will we be? I would love to talk to him like we use to but my husband is a closed book and no matter the effort he dosent talk much and is a creature of habit. I just need to figure somethings out I think.
• Kottayam, India
25 Jul 11
marriages are made in heaven, and you cannot break it, it is not a joke for any reasons