lover or what?

Philippines
February 18, 2012 5:08am CST
i have a friend who is not straight guy. i like to be with him because he has a sense of humor. without knowing before we belong to one group he is already broken to his relation because the boy he love has another lover. but still he masked his feeling he can laugh and joke at as but unconsciously sometimes he is sad. and as a groupmate we don't want him to recall all the pain even we know that it is impossible for now. one night our group decided to hang out to make him happy at that moment. at the videoke bar we all sing, and when i pick a song i dedicated that song for him but it just a fun for me. after that night we just teasing each other i just want to comfort him to his problem no malice for me. but all of the sudden i was shock because he said to me i am serious of what we have?i just laugh at him and said to myself " why? " i didn't make it serious and i just show him a comfort as a friend. and i was shock when he said that he is willing to change himself if i accept who he is....i still laugh and no answer at all because back of my mind i don't know what is joke and serious all this time... but still for me im just a friend to him no matter what but i can't accept him as a lover...LOL
7 responses
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
18 Feb 12
@goodgurl It sounds like your kindnesses and attempts to be a good friend were misconstrued by your friend. He was vulnerable and when you reached out, he read more into your actions than was meant. If you are unsure whether he was joking or not, the only way to find out is to ask him flat out. If your feelings are just ones of friendship, then, you have the task of making your friend understand that. It is a tough spot to be in (for both of you)I imagine, but it is important that you don't allow him to go on thinking there may be anything more. It will just cause further heartbreak to him, and more than likely, to you as well, in the long run. Tell him that you love him, but make it clear what kind of love you are talking about.
• Philippines
19 Feb 12
yes you're right.....but i don't know how to approach him now because he treated me different....i hear from him that he will never treat same way so that i will never expect something from him....that is why i asked myself what happen? because for me its all just for friend?i know if i will talked to him maybe i will add pain to him.....for now i really want to be his friend to comfort him nothing more :(
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
23 Feb 12
@goodgurl If you find talking to him face to face difficult, then try writing him a letter to let him know where you stand on things. Make your feelings towards him very clear and let him know if you still want to be friends and what the boundaries are.
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
19 Feb 12
If you don't really like him, you don't need to force yourself. And I think your friend has to understand both your boundaries to each other. AS you said you made it clear to him, just continue to be his friend. Hopefully he won't be so confused about his gender and will found someone who will love him too.
• Philippines
19 Feb 12
im hoping that too....all i want is to be friend with him :(
• United States
18 Feb 12
just tell him that you too are really good friends and you dont want to ruin that between you 2? cause friendships turned into relationships never turn out that well i know that cuz i use to have alot of chicks as my friends but each one wanted to date me so we did and after we broke up things were just never the same anymore
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
18 Feb 12
@jugga I was deeply concerned about starting a more serious relationship with one of my good friends. I debated over it for a long time, because I was afraid that if we took our friendship to the next level, then we would end up breaking up and losing that friendship. It was another friend who told me to stop being silly and open my eyes. She told me to look at the couples that I know of that had been together for 20, 30, and 40 years and think about what they had in common. They were all true friends first. I took my friends advice and have not regretted it. The friend I was so hesitant to start dating is now my husband of ten years. He was a really true friend first and I think that is why we get along so well. He knows that I am here for him, as I know that he is for me. As friends, we really had a lot of heart to heart chats and sought each others advice in other relationships and life events. I guess it depends on the level of the friendship whether it is wise to allow it to go further or not.
@beamer88 (4267)
• Philippines
18 Feb 12
Hi, goodgurl. I think what's important is the feelings you have for him no matter if he's straight or not. I've had lady friends who fell for "gay" guys and their love in turn was reciprocated. That's the key element here. The being "in love" with the person. Besides, maybe he just said that since he's still reeling from the hurt of the breakup.
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
18 Feb 12
@beamer I think you are right and goodgurl just needs to have a serious talk with her friend and define the boundaries with her friend. I too am inclined to think that he was just reaching out in a time of emotional need for him.
• Philippines
20 Feb 12
yah i think being a friend is good but he is just carried away by his emotions because he was just depress... besides there is no guarantee that he will not go back to being not straight.. and being a friend has boundaries... he should know that... it will make your relationship as friends to change... so i think just make him understand... the importance is you are with him when he is down that is all matters
• Philippines
19 Feb 12
well, maybe he change for you but when one night or few interaction would not be enough to maintain trust and you still have develop doubt on him. because you were not serious so he is if he was just joking. it s up to you to take him seriously or for granted but you would feel deep inside if his feeling for you is true or just a cover up for her loneliness to you as you fill his emptiness from broken heart. but if he makes so many effort, then try to give him a chance? maybe he change for the better just for you..
• United States
18 Feb 12
if he is homosexual the why would he want to be with you? this makes no sense. lol