Do you think that I shall write to my dad?

@youless (91539)
Guangzhou, China
June 20, 2012 2:20am CST
This morning my dad asked me to buy an automatically pet feeder and I replied to him OK. Then he suddenly said if I had your ability, I would be in the street. That means to say if he were me, then he would be homeless. I don't understand why he said so. OK, he is successful and I am not that good. I have an ordinary work. But at least my husband and I can support our family and everything is fine. We have savings and we can still buy something we want. But we are just not the people who are rich enough to buy a LV bag. It is hurtful to hear he said that to me. No matter what, we are no need to go to the street. I hesitate to write to him since I really want to tell him that I haven't depended on him since I graduated from school. He should realize that. Sometimes I give in to him just because I don't want to say something to upset him. Now I feel it is enough. Do you think that I shall write to my dad? If so, how shall I write to him?
2 people like this
15 responses
@PageTurner (2827)
• United States
20 Jun 12
Hello, youless I am sorry to hear of the state of the relationship with your Dad. Writing to him may be a good idea for you. Even if you never send him the letter, it may be good for you to say all the things that you need to say to him. This is a good way to organize your thoughts and assess how things are with your life and in how you and he relate. In this way, even if you never send him the letter, you could find yourself in a stronger position. I am curious as to what is the LV Bag?
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
I just use the LV bag as an example since it is an expensive brand. Even if I was that rich, I didn't think I would be interested in buying such kind of thing. It is just not my style.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jun 12
Yes, I understand, but what is the LV Bag? I have never heard of such a thing. I am curious as to what it is.
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
26 Jun 12
LV means Louis Vuitton.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 12
NOPE!!! I think you should speak to him in his face like he spoke to you in yours. You should not hide behind pen and paper ever. I write letters all the time but never to someone who spoke like that to me. They need to hear my voice loud and clear..
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
I don't think I can speak to him face to face. As my emotions will make me cry and I can express myself well.
• India
20 Jun 12
If it so you can make use of the pen and a paper. Before that make sure that you include all the emotional as well other contents and you should also include the question why he told that to you.
1 person likes this
@dream_ozn (1758)
• Singapore
20 Jun 12
@ youless, i have the same problem as you do! i can never speak to my parents face to face when things arise because my emotions will get the better of me and then i'll cry. and when i try, i lose the power and therefore whatever i say will be thought of as nothing and that i'm just saying becuase i angry or sad!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jun 12
I'm sorry I am late coming to this post. It is all up to you . Dad will keep saying these things if you Don't say anything. I know there is a culture divide. Over here there are daughters And sons who haven't spoken to their parents over less. Just because he is your dad Does not give him the right to demean you abd your choices. I don't men he should agree 100% of the time with them but he Should be supportive. Over here Many see that a parent can not or will not be supportive , just walk away. I think you should follow your heart. Do what will make You feel better , not him! You do not deserve this. See I am a big mouth , Stubborn Daughter. If my dad said this to me. I would say, Do you Mean you Want me to be homeless? Will that Really make you happy? I'm sorry I am not the son you wanted or even the daughter you expected! And then I would walk away and it would be up to him If he Ever wsnted to speak to me again or not. And When he Does come over , He Better apologize or I will walk away again!
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
25 Jun 12
Perhaps the culture is still quite different. I dare not to say that to my dad, otherwise he will feel very hurtful.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jun 12
I understand.
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@marguicha (94951)
• Chile
20 Jun 12
Not all relations parent-children are the same. And in each case, there´s no way another person can give you a sound advise. I can tell you what I would do, but then, maybe if I were on your shoes, I would not do that either. I have polite but not close relations with my mother. I got tired a long time ago to accept being hurt by her. So now I just don´t mind. So if she now said that if she had my ability she´d be in the street, I would reply: Arent you happy that you are not me? Take care.
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
Perhaps I don't get used to hear that. Especially in fact I love and care about my dad although I have never said that to him. So it really hurts to hear that.
@marguicha (94951)
• Chile
22 Jun 12
I was hurt for 60 years until I decided not to listen anymore. I love her, but we don´t get along at all. In fact, we get along better now that she has lost her power to hurt me.
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@dream_ozn (1758)
• Singapore
20 Jun 12
hi youless, i think you should write to your dad. i read it in another response that you mention you can't speak to your dad personally as emotions will get the better of you and you will start crying. i do have the same issue as you face. i can't speak face to face when i have issues with them as i am very touchy. small little things and you can see my tears. it's definitely not going to work well conversing when we have tears around. however, i think maybe you can tell you dad about how you feel about his comments. maybe he's just had a bad day and that's why he said that? however, if it's a very common occurance. then i think it's really time for you to let him know. i don't see anything wrong with having an ordinary life. as long as your family is happy, i see no need no need to buy any LV bag or Cartier for that matter. as long as you are contented, you are rich. money does not mean everything and it definitely does not mean happiness. as long as you and your husband are hardowrking and are having a fulfilling life, carry on wtih your life!
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
You are right. In fact I wrote to my dad yesterday. I don't know whether he read it or not but I think this time I needed to say what I wanted to say. That's I haven't depended on him after I graduated from school and have a job. I am not like some people who use parents' money and do nothing everyday. I have my job and family. I try to balance it well. Perhaps I just can't be a millionaire but I do have my own career. I am just not interested in the stock market and I dare not to invest to it a lot. My dad is wrong since he thinks this is like a loser.
@dream_ozn (1758)
• Singapore
7 Jul 12
Hi youless, i think everybody have their own opinions (including your dad). we should respect their opinion regardless of whether we agree with their opinions or not. We have to remind ourselves to be open and receptive to the opinions and thoughts of other, but if we do not agree, just take a step back. In the case of your dad, someone who is close to you, it is a good idea to let him know the way you think. but if he still thinks that you are a loser, then forget about it. at the very least, you know you have communicate your thought and thinking to him. if he don't agree, then just don't bother about it because everybody have their own right to do their own things. furthermore, i think you are not a loser. you seem to me as one who stands firm on the ground. a very stable man! good luck in your future endevours!
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
20 Jun 12
I am not sure if I am in your place. I might end up like you- do not know which one I should do- face and speak to him to write it or just leave it. These days older people are so hard to listen to the younger. Even if not all of them, but mostly they refused to listen to the younger. That is what happened when I try to talk to my older siblings or my parents. If I say back to them, they will easily get upset, sad and can't accept it even if it is true but if we just keep it they will say that we are not willing to share and say what we feel to them. We do not want to hurt them but sometimes what they said might hurt our feeling. For me it is dare enough if you could write to him to say what you feel.
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
You are quite right. The elders will be stubborn and don't want to listen to others. My dad always think that he is always right. And once I have an objection, he feels hurt and thinks that I don't understand him. Perhaps this is the generation gap?
@myfb2009 (8304)
• Malaysia
21 Jun 12
Yes CT, sometimes it is really hard to speak to stubborn people, face to face especially to elder peoples. Indeed, writing letter to express oneself is quite good option, when we don't have the courage to speak face to face.
• China
20 Jun 12
Well, everyone will be upset when hearing such words from his or her family. As far as i am concerned, what your dad said must be careless words. Maybe he is not satisfied with your current financial situation. Yet I don't think a father would mock his child deliberately in that way. To my mind, a short open-minded conversation is enough. Words on the paper might make things worse. What do you say?
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
I wrote to my dad and tried to say to him that I have not depended on him in these years. His words may be careless like you said, but it still hurts me.
• China
21 Jun 12
I can understand you because i have been through that too. Maybe it was not the same problem as yours. I am just not sure wheter it is appropriate to express what you think on paper. Anyway, it is up to you.
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@myfb2009 (8304)
• Malaysia
21 Jun 12
Youless, it is pity that your father didn't understand your situation. You can write letter explaining your opinion to him. And see how is his reaction. When both of you are ready and wants to discuss this matter more openly, then both of you should speak face to face. Hopefully, you will be able to solve your this confusion with your father. Good luck to you, friend.
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
25 Jun 12
I think my dad already read my email, and no troubles for me
@shylade (3137)
• Philippines
21 Jun 12
I think it is better to talk to your dad personally. Ask him if he has any with you or your husband. Maybe he has a reason why he said it or he has a misunderstanding on something. I hope you can work things out with your dad :)
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
Perhaps he said that without any reasons.
• Jacksonville, Florida
20 Jun 12
I think some parents think they can say whatever they want to us because they are older and our parents. I think it is wrong. What your father said to you was mean and hurtful and I see no reason for it at all. That would have hurt me too but like you if I get too angry I just cry which doesn't help our case. I would write too. That way you can freely speak your mind without showing your emotions or letting your emotions get in the way. Keep proving him wrong though, your obviously not in the street and you should be proud that your doing the best you can. =)
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
I totally agree with you. I hope one day I will not be such kind of parent.
@coffeegurl (1470)
• United States
20 Jun 12
Wow youless...where can I begin to think of the right words to say in this situation? I don't know your Dad, or your family for that matter. I can relate to you in this situation in a couple of ways. I haven't relied on my family since I graduated high school. I am not married, but I have a "live-in" boyfriend and we have ben together for a loooong time, maybe too long. He is not financially responsible, and I would probably be much better off without him, but I have lived with him so long, he almost seems like family, but because of him, I cannot visit my family, as I am afraid to even go on vacation and leave him alone, for fear that the bills won't get paid on time. Plus, although I work from home, I do not own a car, so I am stuck with him to take me where I need to go. He sleeps all day and has zero energy for just about anything. It is depressing. This is not who I thought he was when I asked him to move in with me originally. I have never been married and have no children(my bf was told by a doctor when he was only 18 that it would be almost impossible to have children). Despite the fact that my bf cannot help me financially other than pay his half of the rent, I somehow manage to save a little. I am trying to save up for a car, but I really want a hybrid or electric car, because I watch a LOT of documentaries and it is scary what the future holds if the world runs out of fuel. I was never told the same type of sentence by a family member(that is way hurtful)but I have been hurt by my family. I tend to over budget when it comes to money. I just do this automatically. So, sometimes I feel like I don't have enough money for things, when I really do. I never ask my Mom for money. I don't have a father-he abandoned us when we were small. I needed to borrow only $25 because I had to go to the dentist. She caused me to get into a heated argument with her over the $25, because I only needed to borrow the money for ONE WEEK....one week. She knew that I had a job and was working. And, still, would NOT let me borrow the $25. This really made me angry, because I was only going to borrow the money until I got paid, but my dentist appointment was something I needed to get done right away, and I didn't want to reschedule. She knew I needed to go, but kept making me beg her for the money(all my friends moved away, otherwise I would have asked them). And, she didn't give me the money. By the way, she was going to drive me to my appointment, because I don't have a car, and my bf had to work. I got so mad at my Mom, I avoided talking to her until the day before the appointment. I realized I had over-budgeted, and actually didn't need the loan afterall. I had about $30 extra 'till payday. I didn't tell her this right away, though. I think she realized how upset she made me, and she suddenly had a change of heart and started acting like a caring mother. She offered me the loan. Then I told her I didn't need it afterall. I had to work myself up emotionally and prepare for the dentist, and it was too exhausting, and for $25 I didn't even need. But it did teach me one thing:I have no one to turn to when I really need money. And do you think I would ever ask my Mother for a loan again? It just puzzles me, because she actually paid my sister's rent for an entire year because she was unable to find a job. A Year! My family has since moved very far away from me, and I mostly avoid talking to them. I used to have a cell phone, but my sister never called me, not even on my birthday. So, to save money, and also because my family can't even help me, I got rid of the damn phone. My Mother doesn't even ask her to call me, even though I told her it really depresses me when my own sister won't call me for 6 months or even a year. She always says that my sister is busy, or some excuse. But, last time I asked about her, she told me her boyfriend pays ALL the bills and my sister has no job. It's kind of my Mom's fault. My sister has been "babied" her whole life and always got what she wanted. I never really had much of a choice, or any help from my family, and had to carve my own path out, which was usually crooked most of the time. I even have an aunt and some cousins I have never met, because those people suck donkey balls and are terrible people because they have no concept of what family is or should be and wouldn't give me a drink of water if I was Rango in the desert. But, I digress. Anyway, I feel your pain.
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
Actually my husband is a programmer, so his salary is good. I work in the office and the salary is OK. But perhaps this is not my dad's expectation. He always thinks that it is better that we can study more about the stock market but actually not many people are good at it. We are the same. I am just not the way he wants to be but it doesn't mean that we can't afford to ourselves. He might say this careless but it hurts me. He is a very proud person and he always think he is right. But he is not.
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (50006)
• Philippines
20 Jun 12
I think it would be best if you talk to him face to face so he would really know you can't take insults anymore. Sometimes parents expect too much from us. Maybe because they think they raised us good enough so they expect a lot without looking at their own faults. I hope things would be better between you and your dad and hope you can tell him how you truly feel about what he said.
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
21 Jun 12
As a matter of fact, not all the children will be much more successful than their parents. Many people are still common.
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
20 Jun 12
Hi, At this moment you can just observe him and try to understand what he actually meant by saying such words. May be he has something else in his mind about you and your husband and want you to improve your lifestyle. Give him some more time and discuss with him what he expects out of you/your husband. In one way, he is under estimating your abilities, this time he may not take your emotional note seriously but you have to tell him success can't be achieved over night. Again, if you choose to write to him, also think twice about its effects on him. Do you think he will give it due importance or just think you are still childish... You can also discuss with your husband and take a decision.
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
Perhaps we let him down since we are not interested in the stock market.
@jaiho2009 (39019)
• Philippines
20 Jun 12
Why not speak with him in person. It is better to let go of something inside you. I know it is not easy to do, but once and for all, it is better to drain everything inside your heart and mind before it is too late.
1 person likes this
@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
I chose to write to him since talking with him doesn't work well since I am emotional.
• India
20 Jun 12
I think first of all you need to find out what made you dad to tell you so. Anyway as a father if has the right and the power to question or tell you anything and you should be the one who should listen at him. I think this will make him too happy.
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@youless (91539)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jun 12
He is just so proud of himself and then look down upon others.