When shall we tell her ?

@Angelpink (4023)
Philippines
August 28, 2012 11:19am CST
Lotters, i need your opinion in this bit a sensitive issue. Got a legally adopted niece , very intelligent but very emotional one. This baby is 4 years old now yet she still don't know the real situation , our problem is when shall we tell her the real truth ,that she is an adopted child. We don't want to hurt her for we love her very much like our true blood. When is the proper time and timing , please share just your opinion.
2 people like this
7 responses
@Bhebelen14 (5206)
• Philippines
28 Aug 12
HI Angelpink, I know it is a very tough situation, i have a friend who adopted a little boy 10 years ago. He is very happy, charming, lovable and generous kid how i wish that he came from my friend womb. My friend did before he told about the adoption issue, she assess first the emotional and intellectual capacity/ condition of the child so that she will know if he can able to handle the situation. When she already know that the kid is mentally and emotionally prepared little by little she started to talk him about the adoption and showing to him that even though that he is adopted he is still part of the family, they shown too much love and never let him left behind most of the time. I think you better to start to talk about it with proper guidance and understanding.
@Otanetix (509)
• United States
28 Aug 12
While adopting a niece is a very personal matter, I will give out my opinion. I suggest you wait until she is in early adolescence, which would be around 10 years old. My reasoning is that during her pre-teen years, she start to perceive more things around her and asking about various things. If it so happens she asks about her real parents before adolescence, I would suggest trying to avoid the answering the question and come up with a little white lie. But you may want to get a second opinion about my white lie suggestion because I have never been in your situation before. Telling her about the issue during her adolescence will probably be a good time because she will understand a little bit of how life works. I would try to tell her before she in her teenage years where she will have to deal with peer pressure, hormonal changes, body changes, etc. Overall, when you talk to her about her situation, be willing to listen if she has any questions about her adoption, try to act confident as much as possible, and tell her how much you love her on a regular basis. Although it's a sensitive matter, showing your confidence will help her see you are genuinely concerned about her and trying to stay strong. You are her legal guardian and she will look up to you; lastly, just reassure her that you will be there when she has anymore questions about anything or possibly when she gets into trouble.
• United States
28 Aug 12
Tell her as soon as she is able to understand what it means. I was adopted as well, and my parents did me a great service by letting me know as a child. I remember knowing as young as six. My mother always told me, "Your birth mother must have loved you so much. She wanted you to have a better life." Growing up, knowing I was adopted was a part of me. I loved having that bit of information to add to my individuality, and it also made me embrace my differences from my family growing up. There were a lot of things I did when I was little that my family couldn't relate to (I'm very artistic and I've written novels since I was six), and these were all things I found out later on that my birth mother shared with me. If you were to not tell her at all until, like the first response mentioned, she needed an organ, I think that's a huge mistake. Personally, if my parents hadn't told me I was adopted until then, I'd be very hurt. To think they raised a child for eighteen years without letting her into the "secret" of her true identity? I never once felt as if being adopted kept me an outsider of the family...but if I'd found out at eighteen or older that I was adopted, of course I was an outsider! There had been something about me that everyone BUT me had known for eighteen years! I would feel left out, hurt beyond belief, and I would feel resentful for my parent's dishonesty. In my opinion, that option holds irrevocable damage. I would beg for you to please tell her within the next two years. Let her know that you are her real family; she simply shares the blood of another. Tell her how much you love her, and I would even add what my mother told me years ago. It wasn't "your birth mother didn't want you", but "your birth mother wanted the best for you." Keep your relationship with her honest and open--tell her.
@sbrn11 (415)
• India
28 Aug 12
i think, you should tell when they are little mature to understand it. two of my friends were adopted, their parents told them, when one was 10 years old, and the other was some were around 12 years old. they explained to them their problem, why they decided to adopt them. what were the reasons and all. first it was a bit of shock for them. but gradually they understood it. first few days, they were in bit of a shock. but now they are enjoying their life normally, with their parents. 4 years, means she is still a kid. i don't think she can't understand. she may that it in a wrong way.
@riyauro (6430)
• India
28 Aug 12
Oh in this case since she is just 4, I don't think she needs to know all that now. Just try to make her fit in the family. She will take some time but I guess she will be totally a member of your family soon. Give her some time. I think she is too small to understand that she is adopted. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day ahead.
@iamJB7 (123)
• Philippines
28 Aug 12
Just tell him now while she's still a kid. If you will hide it util she grows up then it will be more hurtful to her. Girls are more emotional when they grow up. Trust me I have a friend who's adopted. She's really upset when she knew the truth. she was 17 years old then. She then became a rebel and was against by his parents. She got pregnant at the age og 18. She told us that if they have just told her while she's young then she will not be against them.
• United States
28 Aug 12
NO way would I tell unless she needed something like an organ and I was not a doner. People are hurt more than you know when they find this out. I would not tell at all.