Seen the Affair of my Friend's Boyfriend. What to do?

Philippines
December 22, 2012 2:47am CST
My sibling and I went to this restaurant that do not have lots of people because the location is not a high traffic area and you have to have a reservation for you to eat there. Upon sitting on the couch, I noticed my friend's long time live in partner sitting on the other side (not facing me). I stood up and went to his table because I want to say hello to him and ask where my friend is and why he is alone. He was so surprised to see me. Then a girl came over to us and said, "Who is that honey?" I was shocked by her term of endearment. When I looked at him, his eyes were so big and his eyes were like saying don't say anything. I did not say anything even when we were introduced and felt so bad why I did not confront my friend's boyfriend. So I called my friend and asked her if we could meet. We met at a mall and when I arrived there, she already bought a gift for her boyfriend. I want to tell her but she is so happy and it's Christmas and I don't want her Christmas be ruined. I felt soooo bad until now that I'm not opening my Facebook account because I might see her. I want to tell her but I don't know where to start. Both of them are going to our annual Christmas Party and I don't know what to do. I'm such a coward at this and I don't want her to get hurt but I really want to tell her. I feel so bad and I'm always thinking of that incident. Should I tell her now even if Christmas is approaching? I hate to be in this situation and I hate myself for keeping this for three days now.
2 people like this
10 responses
@cessybear (223)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
That's a very hard situation. :( I think your friend has the right to know about her boyfriend. Not that you're trying to pry in their relationship, but.. well, who will get hurt in the end? They could maybe try to talk it out. You don't have to feel bad if something bad happens, you only did the right thing.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Thank you for your response. I just wish that this boyfriend of hers will also have the courage to pick who he really likes. I'm going to tell my friend but will confront her boyfriend first. I hate to feel like this and when I see them tomorrow on Christmas Party, it will be awkward to talk to them. The boyfriend of hers just texted me and told me that we need to talk. I wonder what he's going to tell me. I just wish for this to end.
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I agree greenthumb18 :) you should confront the guy and tell him to pick which he thinks he really loved. Maybe he was just playing games with that girl or maybe to your friend. Tell him to stop what he is doing in an instant or you are going to tell your friend about it. If i am on your situation I would do that and after giving him enough time and yet he's still with that girl and he's also with my friend then I would tell my friend without hesitation. It's painful for her if she might know that secret from other people and what's worst is that you are her friend but you didn't tell her. I experienced it before, my FRIENDS (there are 4 of them) knew that my boyfriend has an affair with other girl and yet he's not breaking up with me. It reached to the point that I discovered my boyfriends secret and that my other friends knows about it but they didn't tell me because they are scared that I might get hurt, but look? the pain that i felt back then was doubled, I felt betrayed by them. So it's up to you :)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
That's what I'm afraid of. That she may think that I am betraying her because I did not tell her right away and made a fool of herself. When we met at the mall, I don't know why I can't blurt it out. Seeing her so happy with the gift she bought, I don't know how to tell her and the right words to start it with. I feel so guilty and angry at myself at the same time. Tomorrow night, all of us are going to see each other and hopefully this nightmare will end.
@junmae (1592)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
You have to tell this to your friend, it is her right to know everything. Try to put yourself in her place, what would you feel if your found out that your partner is having an affair for a long time and one of your friend knows this yet she chooses to keep her mouth shut. don't let your friend be ruined by this kind of guy. She is your friend and her partner is fooling your friend.
1 person likes this
@dodoazo (6428)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Ordinarily, the situation is unbearable, but yet you still control yourself. This is the kind of humble and understanding love you have had with your BF. You did greatly a good job for being in control of yourself. You're not rude to him. Well, as a matter of making your decision to tell her the truth, the matter needs to be acted accordingly. Again hold your ire until Christmas day is over. Approach the girl or whatever kind of communication that you could personally meet and tell her frankly. Tell her that you are so considerate for you don't want to spoil the spirit of Christmas, but your affair she should not interfere. Then also have a heart to heart talk with your BF and settle everything for what he wants and give his liberty if he wants to. Somebody who is your compatibility will be coming soon. Believe me. Take note. The Lord will provide for this for you.
1 person likes this
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
28 Dec 12
This is a very tough situation and I can understand why you wouldn't want to meddle. The best advice I can give is to go directly to the source--ie. the boyfriend assuming you two have some sort of friendship (I'm assuming you do because you approached him to say hello). Maybe you can just say: 'Look, I know it's not my business, but I feel very uncomfortable knowing what I do. You either need to man up and come clean to your girl or I'm going to because I don't want her to get hurt and now I am being a bad friend by continuing to lie to her when I know something you're doing behind her back." It will be awkward and uncomfortable and I'm sure he won't take it well, but your friend is going to get her heart broken down the line. Sorry you find yourself in this position :(
• Philippines
29 Dec 12
Thank you for your response. I saw the both of them on our annual Christmas Party and I noticed that he was avoiding me. So when I saw that he is not talking to anyone, I went to him and asked him if he's still in love with my friend. He begged me not to say anything because it will ruin their relationship. I was pissed when he told me that so I told him calmly that he's the one who ruined their relationship and not me. It's just so happen that I was the one who caught them. The nerve of this guy. Unbelievable.
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
29 Dec 12
Wow. He is such scum. he wants to have other women on the side and your friend too. That is disgusting. Typical 'have you cake and eat it too'. I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position and I hope he does the right thing soon.
@Dominique25 (9476)
• United States
22 Dec 12
Yeah it perhaps would be a good idea to wait until the holidays are over. Then you can talk with her and let her know. You can explain to her everything and happened and let her know that she should talk with her boyfriend about it. This way she can ask him any questions she has or clear up any misunderstandings. Let us know how it turns out when you talk with her.
• Philippines
29 Dec 12
Thank you very much for your response. I waited till the holidays are over and I don't think I can hide it till new year so I told her. She was devastated. She was not talking and her reaction is just silence which made my heart beat a little faster than the usual. She believed me though and I am happy that she's not angry with me or accused me of lying. I don't want to have a misunderstanding with her. She doesn't have a family here in the city so I just told her that both of us can spend the new year with my family if she wants to.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 13
I'm glad that you told her.It would be very hard to deal with something like that.I'm glad that you are there for her and offered her to spend time with your family. That was a great thing to do and I'm sure that she appreciates it. In time she will find someone who is worthy of her love.
@jaiho2009 (39084)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I know that would be so hard in your situation. I guess you must talk with your friend's boyfriend and clear the matter to him. If the guy is just playing with your friend- tell him to be direct with your friend's relationship. If he loves the other girl more than your friend- at least he should be fair and let go of your friend. If he loves your friend then...he must disregard the other girl. Now, if your friend's boyfriend won't listen to you- whether it will hurt your friend, you must tell her the truth.
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I will consider your suggestion to talk to my friend's boyfriend first. I just feel bad that I didn't say anything even if both of us were introduced. I was silent the whole time and felt that I should have said something.
• Thailand
22 Dec 12
I don't think it is necessary for you to talk to your friend's BF. You can just tell him that you will tell her what you discovered that's it. But he doesn't need to explain to you what ever was there. He should be the one to tell that to your friend.
@Aja103654 (5663)
• Philippines
23 Dec 12
I believe she deserves the truth. I know it will crush her but I care for her, so even if it will ruin her Christmas. Besides, if her happiness was based on a lie, then I need to take her out of there. If she can't handle the truth, then she'll have to learn how to cope with that and I will be by her side to support her. but I won't let her break up with her boyfriend just yet, I want her to observe her boyfriend and see for herself. Let her pretend nothing is wrong so her boyfriend will be caught off guard. It will be tough for my friend, but I know I am doing the right thing. I will be with her and support her all the way. Even if she blames me for ruining everything, I don't fear that. I know what I did is wrong. I'd ask her would she rather be happy out of a lie or know the truth. I guess this is a question that I would ask her this question first before telling her about her cheating boyfriend.
• Philippines
29 Dec 12
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, I waited till Christmas before I told her. I was hoping that the guy would tell her instead and I can't keep it till New Year. I apologized to her for keeping it for almost a week and she forgave me. She is actually doing what you told me. She is now observing her boyfriend. It is very hard for her because they are already living together and she told me that she thought that he is "the one".
• India
6 Jan 13
Hi friend, sad to hear about this, it is really hard to face such kind of situation. I wonder why you r friend's BF is not loyal to her and do such kind of cheating activity? Now you are in trouble due to him. First of all ask about this to him. May be the girl is just his friend, conform about their relationship before conveying this message to your friend
@ZoeJoy (1395)
• United States
23 Dec 12
A difficult situation to be in for sure. Probably not a good idea to tell her just before Christmas. If you do, she will probably defend her boyfriend and their relationship and turn on you. Then, you will lose your relationship with your friend. I would talk to her boyfriend though. Ask him to explain himself. You are not a coward. It may not help her to tell her just before Christmas. She may not believe you. She may only believe what her boyfriend tells her. It may be that the only way she will understand that her boyfriend is cheating on her, is when she is willing to accept knowing. Perhaps all you can do is be there supporting her when she does realize what kind of boyfriend she really does have. Let her have a good Christmas and just be a good friend for her.
@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
That could be tough to handle. But I would suggest that you go talk to the guy first and tell him that what he is doing is absolutely wrong. Tell him how much your friend loves him and that your friend does not deserve to be treated that way. Now if he thinks that he has fallen out of love with your friend, then he should be man enough to tell her frankly instead of making her believe that he is still in love with her. Also, tell him that he should get rid of his lover right away or else, you will be the one to tell your friend because you do not want to be conniving with his infidelity.