Parents and your significant other
By ronnalee
@ronnalee (43)
January 2, 2013 10:12am CST
Hello myLotters!
Me and my partner of 7 months just spent a week with my mother as we returned from our Christmas trip to Switzerland. This is my first really significant relationship (as I've not considered myself mature enough to enter a relationship until her, didn't meet the right person yet, and I saw no need to be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship) and the first partner my mother had met.
Now, we're Eastern European and my partner is not, so our traditional cooking was full of recipes and ingredients that just didn't agree with her stomach. We didn't know my mother would be cooking for us and she hasn't really asked if Jenn can eat this or that beforehand... So what ended up happening is that my mother was upset because she wouldn't eat her food and my partner was upset because she felt my mother was angry at her for doing so. She didn't want to be a difficult house guest but she just really couldn't eat some of the food, and my mother was trying to be nice by looking after us but the truth is she isn't the best host in the world and she didn't even consider that other people might not be used to her kind of cooking. You can imagine the tension. It was awful! I've never been in that situation before and I didn't want either person's feelings to be hurt.
How do you deal with tensions between your parents and your loved one? Also, do you have any similar experiences? My girl is a keeper and I obviously don't want them to dislike each other or have a bad time being around one another!
9 responses
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
2 Jan 13
I think there was probably tension because for most parents meeting a significant other can be awkward and nerve wracking. They want to ensure that their child's partner is a good fit for them and that they treat them right. Similarly, they don't know the person and are trying to feel them out and make sure they are a god and worthwhile person.
Similarly, your partner was probably feeling nervous and anxiety ridden because they wanted to be liked by your mother and ensure that they are a good match for you.
This would heighten the emotions.
In terms of the food, communication would probably be best. It's always good when hosting someone to ask if there are any allergies or dislikes as it can create a really awkward situation otherwise. The host will feel shamed because they didn't provide a meal the guest wants to eat and the guest feels shamed and embarrassed because they know they feel they are being rude by disliking the meal. Again, I think communication on both parties (the guest and the host) could have made this a more smooth series of events.
I'm sure they were both just sensitive to one another because of the already anxiety ridden tensity of the situation. But I'm sure they will both learn from it and if they both care about you, they will both practice more sensitivity to one another and you and communicate better about their food issues and preferences.
@ronnalee (43)
•
2 Jan 13
Thanks for the response! Yes, I imagine it was a nerve-wrecking situation for both of them. As I mentioned in another post, my mother doesn't have much experience being a host or looking after anyone but me, and in terms of eating habits, I'm the most non-fussy eater in the world.
The tricky part is that my mother finds communication really difficult with me, let alone my partner. We've just began rebuilding our relationship and although she's come a long way, she has a long way to go still as a parent and a person. I also think that she's not a 100% happy with her life at the moment and perhaps that's coming off as negativity or bad mood, but I know for a fact that she doesn't dislike my girlfriend, so hopefully things will be easier in the future!
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
2 Jan 13
If your mother has her own personal problems effecting her mood and life, it's justified and maybe your partner just isn't aware of them or how they effect her and so your partner takes them personally. If they both don't dislike one another than I'm sure it was just the sensitivity of them both and their own issues and I'm sure for your sake they will work harder to make it easier for you.
@echo060201 (540)
• China
3 Jan 13
I think if they can understand each other, it is not a tricky problem, because they both love one person, that is you. You should try to make efforts to let them understand the situation, and give them more time to spend together, I think everything will be OK.
@ronnalee (43)
•
3 Jan 13
The problem is my mother is extremely antisocial and introverted - even when I'm around most of our 'time together' is her either watching TV or playing games on the computer and from time to time making passing remarks, and me trying but failing to make and sustain a conversation. Thank you for your response!
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
2 Jan 13
I have never been in that situation ( thank God lol) but i can imagine the feeling . If she is a keeper your parents will come to accept her when they see how much she means to you , things might get better between your parents and your partner.
@zoey7879 (3092)
• United States
3 Jan 13
I used to adore my mother-in-law... At least I did when her crappy husband didn't live with her. That man is vile.. and poisons everyone around him with his abuse and arrogance. Now, she's become just as bad as he is and for the most part.. I don't care. My father-in-law hates me and that's okay... because I don't deal well with wolves that prey on sheep, as he does. I haven't met my husband's dad yet.... nor his stepmother.. but I'm not sure that I care to do so.
My mother really likes my husband. My step-father passed away before they could meet.. My father, I'm not so sure about. No one in my family has met him yet because right now, my husband and I are living 1,300 miles apart due to some legal matters.
It's nice to be accepted, but the truth is.. I don't care. Im married to my spouse.. not to anyone else!
@BigMoney25 (1286)
• Philippines
2 Jan 13
Hey I can relate to this types of situations ya'll know what I'm saying. That was my reason back then why I didn't really want to bring my girlfriend at home I mean I am afraid that my mom might misjudge her or criticize her for things and all that. You should talk to both of them, force them to talk if necessary. I don't know how you'll do it but you have to it's obvious that you need to do it if you are really planning on saving your relationship with both of these girls in your life then you gotta take proper action ya'll know what I'm saying.
@skyandgrassplot (1497)
• China
3 Jan 13
Wow,it is a really hard situation,and the cooking just one aspect,due to the different culture background,it will be more conflict happen to you from now on.So it is not easy to handle this kind of situation,so I think you need more time to communicate both with your partner and parents,and try to make them to understand each other,and keep a comprehensive attitude,then I think problem will be solved sooner or later.
@marty3888 (2355)
• Acme, Michigan
2 Jan 13
Well first of all, I'm sure your mom didn't purposly cook food that your girlfriend didn't like. I think the next time, tell your mom nicely, if she doesn't know already that there are certain foods she can't eat. This happens. I have a situation where my girlfriend actually thinks my family doesn't like her and the truth is, they do. My family doesn't know and I don't want to tell them because they would actually be hurt and wonder what they did. When we do get together, everything is fine though. Give it a few more chances but don't let them interfere or cause your relatiohsip to break up. You deserve to be happy and if you feel this is the one for you, try working around it.
@ronnalee (43)
•
2 Jan 13
Thanks for your response! Yeah, she was just trying to be accommodating - she's on a special diet for her health issues so she doesn't eat much in the first place and so she went out of her way to get us proper food, but she made a mistake assuming that everyone would be fine eating the way I do. I'm an EXTREMELY non-fussy eater and my girlfriend always makes a joke of me being her garbage disposal because I will eat anything and I also tend to finish the leftovers. My mother is definitely not used to having or looking after guests or anyone else but me.
And you're right, I wouldn't let my family interfere in my relationship - my mother doesn't, thankfully, interfere in my life much (we haven't had the best relationship in the past) and I think she knows that it would only push me away. And my girlfriend is definitely the one for me, I think any difficulties might sprout up from the difficulty of our mother-daughter relationship, I think she just has no experience with dealing with that sort of thing.
@ccmacarayan (188)
• Philippines
2 Jan 13
I think a dash of understanding is in order. You may want to explain to your mother the situation with your better half or your significant other can "man up" and give your mother's cooking a try.
@gamyam (530)
• Hyderabad, India
2 Jan 13
After having a look on your post, i really felt sad and we can't forget it as easily as possible. It is really hard to forget in future. My mother also doesn't like my better half since years! While they are on work with cooking together in the kitchen it would be very hard for me to see that situation. Mother always uses foul language at her for nothing uselessly! when i go to convince both of them, i truly turn into zero. There will be no use thinking deeply without a strong point. Just find a better and also time to resolve the problem like this. Give them a few chances to resolve the problematic situation. Try for more and more times, but do not just think about the result.
To like our bright and happy side, we must also like our dark side. Rather than seeking how others let us down, we look at how they inspire. we will not to go wrong to be at it's best. We must forgive the past and move on to love ourselves and others. Always look for the good in others! These are the key points to being happy again again in everyone's life.
